Season 4 Episode 5 - Dream Nightmare
by fanningon
Summary: This is the fifth episode of an 8 episode MMFD fanfic. This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic - please read episode 4 first (Tipping Point)! If you can, read it with the suggested music cheers m'dears xo


_'Total Control' by The Motels_

"D'you know," Josh said suggestively, looking at Candace, "The other room is empty." He raised his eyebrows at her and she hit his arm hard.

"We've got a competition to think about!" She replied with a blush.

"We don't need that long babe." He grinned.

"Then it's not worth going over there is it?" Rae joked and they all laughed.

"SH!" Izzy giggled, "We'll get Elsa on us."

"Yeah but I wouldn't mind Elsa on me." Sam replied.

"Yeah for a bigger woman… she is incredible." Josh agreed.

"She's just incredible," Phil corrected, "You don't need to qualify it."

"You what?" Josh asked and Phil rolled his eyes.

"You don't have to say for a bigger woman she's attractive. When you do that you're implying that all bigger woman are naturally unattractive which is bollocks."

"That's not what I meant though." Josh said with a slight frown, "I just meant that I don't normally go for bigger girls."

"Why not?" Phillip asked honestly, "You can't tell me flat out that bigger woman are not attractive, we have ample proof of the exact opposite with Elsa, and Rae, and Bethany, and countless other women." Rae enjoyed it when Phil spoke passionately like this. "So why does the size of a woman even figure into what you go for?" Josh furrowed his brows for a moment.

"I don't really know."

"Because the images you've been seeing of women your whole life on tv, magazines, movies, pornos… they're all of really thin girls. And the girls are getting thinner and thinner… and they're shown as sexy, sexual, desirable…" Rae thought back to the 'hello boys' billboard that had gone up in Stamford right around the time she broke up with Finn the first time. "Women's bodies are very cleverly marketed, as accessories, as objects to own. And there's an implicit message that as a woman you must look like this or be worthless, and to men, you must own a woman like this, or be less of a man." Rae considered the way that billboard had made her feel, Phil was right, she was aware of the messages being sent to both men and women with these kinds of images; that's why she was always, still, so embarrassed for Finn to be seen with her. "And it's all a very clever, much more subtle bit o' marketing than we think. Sure we realise that they're selling us a product… we can even resist that. But we don't resist the image, the lifestyle, the bodies they're marketing. So you don't buy this particular product? Doesn't matter cos you want the lifestyle, you'll buy something else." Phil said with a cynical smile, "There's a multi-billion dollar diet industry on this planet and plastic surgeons are sometimes booked for months, years even, all because we constantly tell women that they are not attractive enough and that this is the worst thing that can happen to a woman; to be rejected by the cock. I look forward to the day when the advertisers remember that men have money and perfectly destroyable self-esteems too and start in on us."

"You're a lot smarter than everyone else in this room," Candace said with a wry grin, "You know that?"

"That's a rudimental understanding of body image and feminism Candace." Phil said, "I only read Wolf's 'The Beauty Myth' to get that."

"That was just one book?" Josh asked and Phillip chuckled at Josh.

"That was a tiny part of one book."

"Can I borrow it?" Izzy asked curiously and Phillip nodded at her, leaning forward to see her at the other end of the line. They had pulled the mattresses off the beds and laid them down on the floor. Phil had sat at the far end, closest to the door and to his surprise Rae had sat next to him as Josh had joked with Sam that he was a dumb idiot for having to repeat second year. Josh had sat next to Rae and told Candace that they had to stay in pairs. Izzy had ended up on the end of the line, next to Sam. Rae had expected to have Izzy on the other side of her, but Izzy seemed very happy up the other end.

They had talked a lot of shit, the main topic being survival tactics in harsh environments, Josh insisting that they'd all need to get naked in a snow storm and press together for warmth. When they'd all tried to get verification of this assertion from Phil he'd shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know a thing about survival strategies."

"You've abandoned us to having to believe Josh!" Candace laughed aghast.

"Hey I got into university!" Josh defended himself.

"And no one's sure how." Rae quipped and he nudged her.

"Shut up Rae." He laughed.

"World class comeback." She told him with a cheeky grin.

As the time approached 10pm a silent agreement was made and everyone settled in to sleep peacefully; all of them were keen to be fresh for the competition tomorrow.

Except for Phil.

Lying this close to her was torture.

He laid on his back and tried to ignore the places where her body touched his. She was lying on her side, her head on the corner of the pillow he was using, her back to him. The lights from the road shone through their windows; they had left the curtains open and he could see her outline fairly easily. He tried to just sleep; sleep was important right now for the competition. He couldn't let Rae down, he had to get to sleep, to be fresh for the performance. He took some deep breaths and started to count backwards from 100; this usually worked for him. And tonight was no exception; his body was accustomed to this method of self-soothing and quickly he fell asleep.

Phil woke in the middle of the night, his arm draped over her, her arm over the top of his as if they were really spooning, his hand just under her breast, the fingertips just touching the underneath of her breast. He froze, his whole body instantly went tense. He looked up at the clock: 2:13am.

He tried to move his hand slowly, but her arm squeezed his arm and her hand pulled his arm tighter round her body, forcing him to press himself into her even more. He closed his eyes, his face was close to the back of her head and he could smell her hair.

"Steady on Phil." He barely whispered the words to himself, trying to stop the erection that was starting to press against his pants. And she shifted, moved herself slightly, rubbing herself against his body slightly. He drew in air sharply, holding his breath until she stopped moving, his eyes still closed, unable to believe how close he was to her. When she'd finished moving he felt his hand on her breast, cupping her through her clothes.

"Oh fuck." He breathed as his body started to react to her presence, her feel, her smell and he just couldn't stop the rush of blood through his body. It took less than a minute for Phil to stop himself revelling in the feel of her, get himself under control and act like a decent man by starting to gently worm his hand off her breast. He didn't want to wake her, nor did he want to take advantage of her while she slept; he had no doubt she thought he was Finn and he wasn't ok with that. If she were awake, if she had asked him to hold her, if she knew what it meant to him, if….

So many ifs.

He got his hand slowly free running down her stomach and up to her hip unintentionally, a sigh of desire escaping his lips before finally being able to separate their bodies slightly. As soon as he got some space between them, putting himself almost off the mattress he folded his arms over his chest and tried to not think of how her breast felt in his hand, of what he wished would happen.

It was as if she were reading his mind, because just as he wished she would turn to him, she did. She turned over, facing him, her hand going to his hip, pulling him closer, Phil obliging without a thought and then instantly regretting it as their legs entwined, their faces so close. He took her in, in the light from the outside streetlights and regretted that he'd have to extricate himself from her arms more than letting himself get into them thoughtlessly like he had. He decided to give it a minute before starting the task of getting them un-entwined, to make sure that she was asleep; he didn't want her to be embarrassed. Slowly he started to separate their legs, looking down as he did so, even though he couldn't see properly. He didn't know how he'd get her arm off his hip without stirring her, but he'd think about that when he had to, for now it was all legs. He gently nudged her leg off his. He got it off after a few attempts and looked up to see her eyes open, he started slightly, his mouth opening to say something but she didn't move, and he figured she must be still asleep. But then he saw her brows furrow slightly, vulnerability sinking into her eyes. He could see the internal conflict all over her face as she slowly pulled herself closer to him. Phil felt his breath catch in his throat as she re-entwined their legs. He saw her eyes go to his lips and felt an electric thrill go up his spine, his hand very gently stroked the hair off her face and then he caressed the smooth skin of her cheek, unable to believe he was doing this.

He saw her lips part and felt his own parting, felt their faces coming closer together.

Closer.

But the look of vulnerability on her face, and the inner conflict she obviously felt came to Phil as her lips were almost on his. He could feel her breath on his face, all he had to do was pout slightly and his lips would be on hers. She had stopped, her eyes on his, even this close, waiting for him to finish the movement.

He closed his eyes and opened his mouth wider, ready to kiss her, like he'd been aching to do for months and months. But that look in her eyes…

She wasn't sure.

"What are you and Finn fighting about?" He whispered, his lips brushing hers slightly as he spoke. He stroked her hair lovingly, not wanting to lose this closeness.

"Oh…" She sounded surprised and hurt. And Phil felt his heart skip a beat. "I didn't think you'd wanna talk about him." Her lips brushed his as she spoke slowly.

"I don't." His voice was low and filled with an aching desire and she moaned lightly in response to that desire and they both unconsciously moved closer. "But why don't you tell me about him anyway." Phillip forced himself to say it. Her hand went from his hip to his chest, running up his body slowly. They were fully clothed, but Phil knew, from his time with Andrea that a few centimetres closer and he'd be able to slip his cock into her if she wrapped her leg round his waist.

"But I were about to kiss you." She whispered, her voice low and filled with desire. Phil swallowed hard, feeling almost dizzy with desire as she managed to move herself closer, her hand running down his chest and stopping at his belt buckle. He moaned slightly, so desperate for her it hurt.

"I know." He told her achingly, "I know." He felt her lips part further, inviting him to kiss her, "but tell me about Finn." He managed to say the words even as inside he bemoaned that he was saying this to her, when he was so close to her. With the way she was clinging to him, he knew he could suggest that they go to the empty room and she would go. He knew he could make love to her tonight if he just said the right things, and given the vulnerability in her eyes, he knew it wouldn't take much convincing at all, she was practically already convinced. The smell of her, and the feel of her in his arms was excruciating. She was so close to him, and he wanted so badly to just kiss her. Her fingers curled under his belt and he groaned as she rose her leg up his thigh. If they were naked he'd only have to thrust and he'd be in her. His hand travelled down her side to her arse momentarily, he couldn't stop himself from pulling her closer; their bodies moved slightly, rubbing against each other Phillip didn't know how much longer he could do this before he did the wrong thing and ended up taking advantage of her, he wanted her so completely he could barely think straight, his cock was throbbing in his jeans. They clung to each other almost obscenely, their lips still not quite touching.

"I thought you might wanna kiss me." She moved her head slightly her lips brushing his again and it took everything Phil had in him to not do it, it was bad enough that they were almost dry humping; if they moved even slightly faster or harder it'd be definite dry humping. If he kissed her, he knew they'd make love tonight. And he knew that she knew it too.

"I do." He whispered and she groaned, making all of his nerve endings stand on end. "Fucking hell Rae, you have no idea how much I do."

"I do know how much you want me." She moaned softly.

"No…" he could barely breathe the words, "You don't." He had to make himself pull away from her, even now he could see that vulnerability in her eyes, hear it in her voice.

"So show me." She asked him slowly her bottom lip grazing his slightly. Phil had to close his eyes to try and get his impulses under control. His cock was aching to be in her and he so desperately wanted to taste her. He pulled his face away and stilled the movement of his hips.

"Tell me about Finn first." He said softy, "Then we can talk about this kiss." He saw the confusion in her eyes as she pulled away slightly, her hips becoming still, but neither of them letting go of the other one just yet.

"We broke up." She whispered. Phil felt his face reacting before he even knew what he was feeling. He heard his voice speaking words before he even knew what he was going to say.

"Are you alright?" He saw her confusion deepen, he supposed other guys would take that as an invitation, but he needed to be sure she was alright before he even considered it.

"Sorry." She shook her head, "Um… not now, I wasn't very clear." She grinned awkwardly, with no humour, "I meant at Christmas time."

"Oh." Phil said with better understanding. "Alright." He hadn't thought they were broken up by the way Finn was acting outside the school. "So… why is that troubling you?" He asked sympathetically.

"When we broke up…" She lowered her eyes, "I mean we weren't together so I shouldn't be upset…" He saw a tear drop from her eye to the pillow.

"He got with another girl." Phil just knew from her reaction and Finn's reputation. But more than that, Phil knew from his own experiences of dealing with not having Rae. Slowly they both moved into a less sexual position, still hugging, still intimately close.

"We was only apart for six days Phil!" She said with a heartbreakingly sad voice. Phil pulled her into his arms and let her cry silently for a while, gently stroking her hair. "Did I mean that little to him?" She whimpered. Phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath, ready to soothe her the best he could.

"I don't think tha-"

"And he says that she shut him down and nothing happened." She fretted. "He says even if she hadn't of, he wouldn't of gone through with it…"

"Do you believe him?" He asked and she shrugged.

"How can I trust him now? He took nine months to tell me something he says is nothing." He heard the despair in her voice and knew he could so easily turn her against Finn here. All he had to say was he didn't know if he himself would trust some one that did that. And that would be it. She was vulnerable, suggestible right now; the wrong, or right words, would stay with her.

"I don't think Finn did any of this to hurt you, or because you meant nothing to him." Phil said slowly, "I think it's quite the opposite." He saw her probing his face, looking for a lie, but there would be none, this was what he truly believed, "I think he has made some unbelievable mistakes. But I think he got himself into a hyper-vigilant, hyper-aware state of frenzy over finally getting to have you. And it made him not think straight. I imagine he spends a good deal of his life hoping like hell he doesn't lose you." He knew he would if he had her.

"But why would he try and fuck a woman when we broke up?" Rae pleaded with him to explain how Finn's mind worked and Phil, strangely did not feel at all out of his depth. He stroked her face longingly.

"Have you ever lost you? Have you experienced not having you?" She lowered her eyes and he was taken by how beautiful she truly was, and what a privilege it was to be allowed to see her like this; she was always so strong, she never let anyone see her cry. "I think Rae… that he… did it to try and forget you. To try and, I guess, fuck away the pain." He knew that's what he was doing. "It's only a short term solution… cos as soon as you're done, you fucking hate yourself." Phil told her, "But you know, you learn to deal with the self-hate pretty well. And just get the relief of the fuck."

"Is that something boys just do?" Rae asked him and he smiled grimly, still stroking her hair comfortingly.

"Some of us." He admitted. "Some girls too."

"Why?" She sounded so confused.

"Sex feels good. Really good." He told her, "You get to forget yourself and all your problems for a while. And you feel wanted and almost loved… it's wonderful to feel that way instead of the way you do feel."

"It's just a way of coping with bad feelings." She reminded herself thinking about Olivia.

"Exactly." Phil agreed, "Why were you about to kiss me Rae?" He asked her this to help highlight his point, not because he didn't know why; he knew all too well why she was going to be with him that night. Her eyes were still lowered, her breath tickling his face still, her hands fisted in his shirt for comfort.

"To forget." She understood. "To feel good… desirable. It's like, how can I compare to her…?" Rae thought about Elsa, "So… I wanted to feel…" She looked up at him, "Something other than what I were feeling."

"Same reasons some boys fuck around." He said, "When they can't have the woman they're in love with."

"I'm so sorry Phillip." He saw how upset she was and he shook his head.

"Don't even think about it." He said softly and he lowered her eyes. "Do you think you wanted some revenge?" He asked, "You know, you felt cheated on so…"

"I dunno." Rae said sadly, "I really hope I'm not that shallow."

"Ah, so what if you are?" Phil said comfortingly and she smiled sadly, "We all have our bad sides."

"You don't." She said honestly and Phillip took a moment to store that compliment with all the other ones she'd ever given him before smiling grimly.

"Yes I do, I just hide them really well."

"Like what?" She asked, unimpressed with his assertion.

"Well… I can be a bit spineless, just ask my parents… always give in." He said with a wry grin, "And I'm far too good at lying. And I don't think I'm very brave." He said sadly, "I'd like to change that…" he took a deep breath, "I don't know how to physically defend myself. I'm stubborn to the point of hard-headedness sometimes." He told her, "I can be single-minded and unwilling to give up even when I know I should." He looked at her pointedly and she got the message clearly, "I can panic if I don't immediately know the answer. I…" he lowered his eyes and his voice dropped so low that Rae could barely hear it, "I've used girls like Finn has… you know to numb my pain… which is quite abhorrent… but I don't intend to stop."

"Oh." Rae's face was filled with sorrow for him and when he looked up at her he had to look down immediately; he couldn't stand to see that look on her face.

"Does it make you think less of me?" His voice was fragile and he waited for her answer as if awaiting the guillotine.

"No." She answered simply, "I was just about to do the same thing to you." She shrugged, "if I want forgiveness and to not be judged, how can I judge you for the same thing?"

"Because you stopped. And I won't." Phillip felt numbness starting to creep through him.

"No I didn't stop. You did." Rae corrected him and he looked up at her, a kind of fierce joy burst into his chest at the way she looked at him with admiration, "You're the one who stopped this from happening tonight." She whispered, "I guess Finn should say thank you to you. Stopped his girl from…"

"I know you would have stopped yourself before we went too far." He reassured her, "And I didn't do it for Finn." A long silence followed his words as they stared into each other's eyes.

"Aye." Rae admitted slowly, "I guess I know that."

"You'd never forgive yourself if you cheated on him out of vengeance or wanting to numb your bad feelings." He stroked her face, his thumb tracing along her lips, "If you were to kiss me because you had genuine feelings or desire for me… that's something we could both enjoy, and you'd forgive yourself eventually." She watched his eyes go to her lips, the desire so clear in his eyes. She was surprised that part of her still wanted to do it. She didn't understand why, she just knew that it felt good to be held by him, to know that he wouldn't take advantage of her… To know she could trust him.

"Yeah." She agreed in a small voice, still trying to understand her own feelings.

"And so would Finn." Phil said immutably with a dawning realisation of just what a good man Finn was.

"You what?" Rae asked surprised at his firm assertion.

"He'd forgive you Rae." Phil told her, knowing he was right, "If something were to happen between us… He'd forgive you in an instant."

"I don't think so Phil." Rae answered and Phil shook his head.

"You know I think he's expecting something to happen between us." Phil thought about the way Finn had talked to him earlier while she sat in the minivan and refused to look at him. "He's expecting it… he's ready for it." Phil's mind went over all the territory Finn's mind must have traversed these past few months, seeking to understand Finn's state of mind.

"I think you'd like it if he-"

"No Rae." Phil answered, "Finn Nelson is a fucking Neanderthal, I'll never say otherwise. But he loves you. He loves you like all the great poets write about; without ego. He really puts you first. He'd forgive you because he knows if you were to do to something like this, it would be because you needed to. And what you need comes first." Phillip shook his head in surprise, "I don't think there's anything he wouldn't do for you Rae." Phil told her reassuringly. "You can trust him. The love he has for you is one of those rare things that barely anyone gets to see." Rae lowered her eyes, tears stinging her sharply, "Don't ever doubt that he loves you."

"I know he does." She whispered, "And you?" She looked back up at him. Phil stared into her eyes longingly.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you either." He admitted slowly.

"Including not kiss me."

"Including that." He nodded his head. "But you should know that should the right circumstances arise Rae. I will kiss you. And you will feel…" He paused stroking her face, his eyes dropping to her lips.

"What will I feel Phillip?" Her voice when she whispered was intoxicating.

"Now's not the time to talk about all of this Rae." He looked back up at her eyes, "Got a big competition tomorrow." She nodded slowly and nestled into his arms to sleep. She felt safe there. She could trust him.

_'The Unforgettable Fire' by U2_

Finn was already sweating when Rhys approached him, throwing the gloves at him without a word. Finn caught them and put the jump rope on the seats.

"You look like you got something up your arse again." Rhys said and Finn nodded, "Alright then, try and break my hand." Finn held up the pads and Finn started to punch as hard as he could.

"Growing your hair out again?" Finn asked as he saw the short sprout of growth across Rhys's head.

"Gotta cover me head for winter." Rhys grinned.

"Just get a hat." Finn didn't stop punching, "You look less terrifying to uptight middle class types when you've got hair." He teased.

"Damnit." Rhys said, "My life's goals dashed."

"Put a black beanie on you though…" Finn started to chuckle, "And the fuzz'll say you was asking for it." Rhys laughed.

"Me wearing black clothes at all elicits that response from the police."

"Too much black for 'em!" Finn grinned, happy he was able to have these jokes with Rhys; being closer friends with him had taught him so much, he sometimes felt like his entire life had been lived with his eyes closed so far.

"I was gonna go with too cool for 'em Finlay!" Rhys joked, "But you had to bring race into it." Finn had to stop boxing to laugh at that. As if race was never an issue for Rhys when it came to the police. When it came to most things in this world.

"Well you know Rhys, as a white boy, I feel I have a unique perspective on race issues." Rhys laughed loudly, drawing multiple stares. No one at Rhys's work place had really heard him laugh before. He was a serious man at the boxing joint.

"I bet." He shook his head still chuckling. "Come on Finn, no more laughter. Break my hands." Finn set back in to thumping the pads with all his force. After some time Finn was feeling nicely warmed up and Rhys started to move the pads and intersperse the movements with sweeps aimed at knocking Finn down. It was fast paced and required a lot of concentration. When Rhys had first started doing this with Finn the sweeps had been slow, one for every ten punches. Then he got faster, harder, more random over the years; Finn was one of his few clients that made Rhys have to work for it because his skill level was high enough to occasionally challenge him. If any of Rhys's sweeps connected with Finn they'd knock him down instantly, the head level ones would knock him out cold. Rhys was putting force into the sweeps; this was no pleasant bit of exercise, Finn often came out of his sessions banged up if he didn't pay attention and maintain focus. So of course, this was usually when Rhys made Finn talk. Because fights were never in perfect situations that you could easily concentrate in. Finn had to learn to do this all instinctively.

"What's on your mind?"

"Rae." Finn answered ducking a sweep, feeling the air move his hair, he'd only just missed getting his head knocked off by Rhys.

"Why?"

"She found out I did something a while back, when we was split up that she don't like." Rhys mixed things up with a hard shove and Finn fell back. "Fuck." He felt winded but jumped up and went after Rhys's pads again, punching them as hard and fast as he could.

"D'you understand why she don't like whatever you did?"

"Aye." Finn answered and jumped over the leg sweep, again barely missing it, Rhys had upped the difficulty again.

"If she had done the same thing to you, would you have disliked it?"

"I am fully expecting her to do worse over the next few days." Finn answered honestly.

"You didn't answer my question." Rhys noted.

"I don't like that it's gonna happen." Finn said, "But I accept it." Rhys's arm came crashing down onto his shoulder, Finn not fast enough to miss it. "Fuck!" He rotated his shoulder slightly, feeling the damage, and then put his fists back up. But Rhys stopped.

"You know the rules; if I hit you hard, we stop."

"It was a graze!" Finn brushed it off.

"Yeah that's why your arm's dropping." Rhys shook his head and Finn had to admit it was hard holding his arm up to the proper height when his shoulder was screaming out in pain like that. He sighed angrily and took his gloves off.

"We gotta have another bare knuckles fight soon." Finn reminded him that he'd promised to start street fighting training again.

'I know." Rhys put the pads away, "Let's run." Finn groaned. Rhys always made him run intervals; sprinting forward to a set point and then sprinting back to him to keep running until he was sent off to sprint again. And Rhys always found all the hills in town and made sure to go up them all. They set off at a steady pace for Rhys, which was quite a bit harder for Finn to maintain.

"Do you want to talk about this shit or something else?" Rhys asked as he mentally prepared their route.

"This shit." Finn answered, "Just not sure what to say." His breath was slightly short from the pace Rhys was setting, but he was still able to just talk.

"What did you do?" Rhys kept his eyes forward, but felt Finn studying his face and after a long pause turned his face to look at him. "What?"

"Just wondering what all the rules are with polyamory and all that stuff." Finn said slowly, his eyes clearly appraising Rhys.

"If this is about the kiss with Chloe, I am already aware of it." Rhys answered, "And I-"

"Not about Chloe." Finn panted slightly. Rhys narrowed his eyes and tried to think why else Finn had appraise him like that.

"Elsa…?" He sounded genuinely surprised and turned his eyes to Finn to see him nodding slightly. Rhys stopped and Finn overshot him and had to come back to him. "You fucked around with Elsa?" He asked shaking his head.

"This is before I knew you two were-"

"This isn't about me!" Rhys shot back, "It's about you fucking around with Rae's idol." Finn's mental process stopped and he dropped his head in shame, slowly nodding. "Did you know how much Rae admires her when you did it?"

"Kinda." Finn said, "I knew she liked Elsa a lot and that she looked up to h-"

"Sometimes you're a fucking idiot Finn." Rhys told him.

"Oh aye, I know." Finn answered humourlessly. Rhys started to run again, setting the pace slightly slower for Finn.

"I am very surprised Elsa let you-"

"She didn't." Finn was glad to add, "She shut me down. But I still got a little bit of…" He didn't need to finish the sentence.

"It's been a while since you two were broken up." Rhys noted, "You took a long time to tell her."

"Which makes it look a lot worse than it was." Finn sighed, "I realise that now. But at first, I thought, cos we was broken up when it happened that it didn't matter so much."

"I understand why you didn't tell her." Rhys nodded slowly, "I also understand why she is so upset." Finn groaned as he saw a huge hill ahead, of course.

"I just wish I hadn't had to tell her about Elsa afore she went off to spend three nights with Phillip." Rhys made a small noise in the back of his throat.

"Are you broken up again?" Rhys asked.

"No." Finn answered, "I don't think so." He corrected.

"So you are expecting her to cheat on you?" Rhys asked as supportively as he could; the concept of cheating was fairly foreign to him, he didn't do relationships like Finn did.

"Aye." Finn answered slowly. "Although it's not really like that." He tried to explain, "I told her she could do whatever she wanted with Phil, no questions asked, at this dinner thing we planned… But before the Elsa thing, I figured she'd probably give Phil a bit of a kiss. But I know she'll probably sleep with him now. And that's ok." He shook his head and Rhys again stopped to look at him.

"A few months ago you were making an arse of yourself because Phil dared to want to give Rae a hug. Now it's ok for them to have sex?" Rhys asked, checking carefully for the frame of mind of his friend; big changes like this could mean something negative.

"I did say last week that I'd let her sleep with someone if she needed to, Rhys." Finn reminded him.

"There's a big difference between words and deeds." Rhys kept his eyes on Finn.

"Look Rhys, I understand why Rae needs this." He shrugged.

"Enlighten me." Rhys said carefully, wanting to ensure Finn's head was screwed on right.

"Rae's father abandoned her, so she has a pretty shit relationship with men." Finn answered and Rhys narrowed his eyes slightly. "And Linda's nice enough, but seriously, she's a scatter brain and sometimes she can be right selfish." Finn continued, "So Rae never got the love she needed growing up." Finn gave a grim smile, "Add to that a world that tells her she is ugly, undesirable, unlovable… It was such a shock to her that someone could want her like I do." Finn's eyes went off to the side as he remembered their first kiss. "She can't believe someone could find her beautiful. It was such a joyous thrill for her to be loved and desired. I could see it in her eyes." Finn grinned, "And she finds it so hard to believe that anyone could feel like that about her that she doesn't see people like hot Mike being genuinely interested in her. And here we have Phil, so obvious, even she can see it. Why wouldn't I want her to get joy from being wanted and loved by other people as well as me?"

"It's nice for one person to find you attractive." Rhys understood, "Nicer if many do."

"Especially if you've been told you don't deserve it, you're not worthy of it, you know? And extra especially if it's never happened to you before. I think it produces a hunger in her." Finn said slowly, "A need to be loved." Finn wished he could have a cigarette, "And I'll give her all my love, but if she needs more, then I will make sure she gets it." Finn said firmly, "I love her more than I love myself and what I want. I will make sure she always has what she needs, what she wants… whatever makes her happy." Rhys nodded his head slowly, "And plus I don't want her to feel like she owes me something you know? For being the fit lad who loves the fat girl." Finn shook his head, "Like I've done her a favour or something. I always got the feeling that she felt that way. Like she's so hard to love and I'm going through something awful to be with her. She's even said shite like that." Finn scrunched up his nose in thought, "I want her to know that she is perfect and loveable and desirable. Exactly the way she is. And if that means she needs to fuck Bill then so be it." He shrugged with a wry grin.

"Why are you so sure something will happen while they are away?" Rhys started them jogging again.

"Cos he's gonna declare his love for her."

"And I suppose that means she has to choose one of you…?" Rhys asked and Finn nodded, "I don't see how that leads to her fucking him."

"Well before the Elsa debacle it didn't." Finn grimaced, "But now I bollocksed it up so completely, she'll be feeling like she's in competition with Elsa and she'll want to feel desirable and like she can trust someone." Rhys made another small noise, considering it.

"Are you not worried, then, that she will choose him?"

"Oh of course I am." Finn answered, "I'm a good man… But Phil is a better man I think."

"Why do you say that?"

"He's loved her selflessly from the beginning, not that he realised it. But he knows it now." Finn said sadly. "I'm only just getting me head around it." Rhys made one of his noises and Finn smiled fondly.

"How d'you think Rae would have taken it if within a month of going out, you told her that you were ok with her sleeping with other people?" Finn thought about this for a long moment.

"She would o' thought I didn't love her. That I were saying it cos I wanted to fuck other people." Finn realised, "It would o' destroyed her."

"You know that Darwinian saying 'survival of the fittest?'" Finn nodded in reply to Rhys's unexpected question, "It's misquoted." He said, "It actually 'survival of the best adapted.'" Rhys gave him a wry grin, "In all the time I've known Rae, you've been the best adapted to her changing needs. And her to yours. It doesn't matter how evolved Phillip is, how fit he is, how ahead of you you think he is… you're the one who's best adapted to Rae."

"You sure you're not a secret monogamist?" Finn laughed.

"I'm really not!" Rhys laughed with him, "In my kind of relationship, you and Rae would have the primary relationship. And Phil would serve his own secondary function for Rae, or you, or both of you. And he would be aware of that… perhaps he'd have other arrangements like this, or his own primary relationship…"

"Like a huge spider web." Rhys nodded slowly. "Well if that's what she wants, that's what I'll give to her." Finn said with an enigmatic smile, "Cos I think our relationship is solid enough to survive all of this; monogamy, polyamory, fighting, fucking, whatever… even if she chooses him over me… we'll still survive it." Rhys furrowed his brows at Finn. "We're forever. Even if we have to take time apart for something, like Phil, or work, or whatever… we're forever."

"Forever isn't a-"

"Yeah yeah yeah." Finn brushed off Rhys's sure to be philosophical words, "I know what kind o' thing you'll say to that, and I don't care. Rae and I are forever." He told Rhys firmly.

"Of course." Rhys said with a bemused grin.

"That's fucking right." Finn said with a mock stern voice that Rhys accepted silently with a small grin. They jogged in silence, Rhys increasing the speed markedly, making Finn work hard, before starting the interval training.

They were heading back to the boxing joint at a hard, fast run, Finn panting heavily, Rhys even a little short of breath when Finn remembered something he wanted to mention to Rhys.

"How's the shoulder?" Rhys asked as he checked the time and grabbed his bottle of water.

"Heaps better." Finn lied and Rhys gave him a sardonic smile.

"Alright, let's get you on the bag then." They headed out across the gym to Rhys's training area. The boxing joint was set up for each of the full time trainers to have their own training areas. Tom shared his with Jim; most of the training areas were shared. But both Rhys and Dean had their own. They walked past the dozen boxing rings they had, the two separate weight training areas, and all the various boxing bags hanging from the ceiling.

"So I heard a little rumour that you didn't take no for an answer from Elsa…?" Finn teased and Rhys turned his face to Finn as they crossed the huge area.

"I was 16 when I first decided to pursue her." Rhys answered, "I know better now." He shook his head slowly. "And I didn't chase her down and harass her until she gave in." Rhys clarified, "I just asked her under what circumstances would she change her mind. And then I made sure I was with her when that change happened." He grinned slightly, "Didn't mention it to her again until the circumstances changed."

"I bet you thought about it though." Finn enjoyed how Rhys opened up to him more lately.

"Every fucking day!" They laughed. "She is remarkable." Rhys nodded slowly, "I have been very lucky to know her well."

"Is it just me… or is she kinda uncompromising?"

"Extremely uncompromising!" Rhys agreed, "That's part of her charm." He grinned, "I like uncompromising people." He added, "People who won't soften their own rough edges or deny what they want simply to make others love them." Finn was suddenly struck by the thought of Elsa telling him to make an exception to his heterosexuality and turned to look at Rhys. He had an incredible and enviable physique; that solid muscle was something Finn aspired to. He supposed Rhys was attractive. Finn furrowed his brows and looked away, shaking his head at himself, breaking out into a grin.

"What?" Rhys noticed the movement as they got to his training area.

"Elsa told me to get gay with you." Finn said with a shrug, "I were thinking about it." Rhys cocked an eyebrow at him, and gave a look as though he were considering it for the first time. They both shrugged and Finn laughed, grabbing his boxing gloves as Rhys grabbed the bag to steady it for him.

"Move me." Rhys ordered and Finn nodded, understanding that Rhys wanted Finn to hit and kick the bag hard enough to drive Rhys back. It felt good to be boxing, to have been honest with Rhys today, to be calm about Rae. Although he missed her like nothing else. He didn't like to think about her while he boxed; it made his hitting softer when he thought about her beautiful lips when they smiled, and the way her eyes lit up when she was happy… when she saw him. So he pushed her from his mind along with everything else, letting himself go completely blank as he worked to move Rhys.

Fifteen minutes later Rhys was walking him to the change rooms.

"Da wants to know when the account's paid to?" Finn asked; his father still paid for his training.

"He's paid up until January." Rhys replied. They stopped outside of the change rooms, Rhys about to say goodbye before going to meet his next client.

"How's the business going?" Finn asked quietly.

"We've bought the boxing joint." Rhys answered, Finn's face instantly lit up, "and the neighbouring building. Paperwork gets finalised today."

"Seriously?" Finn was surprised and excited.

"It made sense to get rid of the competition." Rhys continued, "The pool is going in the neighbouring building, then we're gonna upgrade this place. And re-open it."

"Are you gonna sack Dean?"

"He's on a contract." Rhys said with an unimpressed tone, "He's out as soon as it's over."

"This is fucking exciting!"

"I won't celebrate until the paperwork is finalised." Rhys countered.

"Of course." Finn rolled his eyes, but the grin never left his face, "Congratulations Rhys!"

"Gotta come up with a better name than 'the boxing joint,'" Rhys answered looking around at the place. "To be honest, this place is kind of a second home." Finn understood. "We'll need a replacement for Dean." Rhys said, his eyes on Finn and Finn knew exactly what he was meaning.

"Count me in." Rhys gave Finn a grateful smile, and they shook hands and Rhys left, heading out to his next client, Finn went into the change rooms alone, his mood both elated and deflated.

He missed her. And this was so much worse than just not having sex with her.

Not seeing her, not sleeping next to her…

He'd die from this if it went on too long. And it was only the first day.

He missed her.

_'Dots on the Shells' by Yothu Yindi_

Elsa fixed Phil with a stern look as they all crowded in around the table for breakfast.

"You look tired." She said unimpressed.

"I prefer my own bed." He answered dryly. He had barely slept, holding him to her all night, stroking her hair if she stirred until she fell back asleep, and gently releasing her when everyone stirred in the morning, so as to not start any rumours. He was under no illusions as to where he stood with Rae, but that didn't change his feelings for her. He was starting to wish more often that he could stop loving her, but he knew that was something he could never do. He envied those that could seem to stop loving others sometimes.

They had all had rapid showers, still sharing the same room; laughing and joking to cover their nerves.

"How did everyone else sleep?" She asked with an astute grin and was greeted with a round of 'fines'.

Rae could barely eat, she was terrified.

"Whose idea was this?" She grumbled to Phillip. "Stupid idea."

"It's just stage fright." He smiled fondly at her as she scowled at her breakfast.

"Right," Elsa looked over the paperwork, "Here's the order of our performances." She handed a form to Izzy.

"Last!" Izzy looked at Sam and pulled a face.

"Both good and bad." Elsa acknowledged, "You gotta see everyone else, try and keep your energy up… but you're the last thing the judges see.' She told them.

"Second." Josh nodded, "That's the best spot." He grinned at Candace, "No first go nerves… early enough for the judges to not be asleep!"

"But there's a lot to follow you." Elsa warned them, "So you gotta be memorable." She gave the last piece of paper to Phillip and Rae leaned over him, Phillip acutely aware of everywhere their bodies touched.

"Oh no." Rae's face dropped and Elsa gave a grim nod.

"Dead in the middle."

"Dead's right." Phil said, "Worst possible position."

"The judges are already tired from the whole morning, they're keen to get out to lunch… there's heaps to follow you… it's called the forgettable position for a reason." Elsa agreed.

"Well we're fucked!" Rae gave an awkward laugh.

"I've seen brilliant pieces be completely forgotten in this position…" Elsa told them, "You have got to be utterly brilliant, captivating, original and completely memorable to be in with the slimmest of chances." Elsa told them, "So I still expect you to win."

Rae sat down next to Phil in the seats at the back of the audience that were reserved for the performers. They had decided to watch a few performances before returning to the hotel to practice. Sam and Izzy were sitting in the row in front of them, running lines quietly. Josh and Candace were backstage already, even though the house wasn't live yet, and Elsa was with them for now; she'd have to leave the backstage area when it all started. The entire theatre was empty except for a few technicians in the catwalks above the seating sorting out the lighting for the performances and the four of them.

"Oh shit." Rae looked out across the hundreds of empty seats. "How big is this theatre?"

"440 seats." Phil always knew his theatres.

"It's bigger than I thought it'd be." Rae felt a knot of fear in her stomach.

"Yeah, four times as big as the little 100 seater back home." Phil grinned, missing her rising panic.

"How many people do you reckon will come?"

"They have 300 seats for this thing available to the public apparently." Phil shrugged, "And I think there are about 50 or 60 comp tickets too."

"Comp tickets?"

"Complimentary. Freebies to people they want to have come. Sometimes you get talent scouts and agents coming to things like this if there's enough buzz surrounding the performance levels that year. But that'll be tomorrow, not today." Rae's heart started to thud in her chest, the blood pounding in her ears. Phillip felt her getting tense and turned to look at her, he realised that she was panicked as soon as he looked at her.

"I don't think I can do it." She got up and fled the theatre, trying to find a hidden place to try and calm down. Phil jumped up and followed.

He caught up to her in the back hallways of the theatre in a quiet corner, still trying to find the toilets.

"Rae?" He asked and she turned away from him. He felt frozen on the spot as she put her hands on the wall, her breath coming in short gasps, she was muttering to herself. "What can I do?" He whispered helplessly.

"Something solid." She muttered to herself, "You're alright. Just self sooth. And feel the solid wall."

"Self sooth…" Phillip grabbed hold of those words, "I've got a really good technique for self-soothing. It's supposedly a type of self-hypnosis. That's probably bollocks… I am waffling." He realised his anxiety to help her was getting the better of him and that that would not be helping her. "So basically, you just close your eyes and count backwards from 100, but you take a deep breath, say the number and then let the breath out. Pause and then do it again with the next number." He told her, not sure if she was hearing him. "Do you wanna try it?" He didn't wait for her to respond, not sure if she was able to. "100." He said and she put her forehead on the wall and took a deep breath.

"100." Her voice was high and shaky.

"That's great Rae. Slowly let your breath out. Pause." She nodded rapidly and he had to resist the urge to pull her into his arms. He didn't think that would help at all. "Deep breath now. Imagine your lungs are a glass and you need to fill them with water. A glass fills from the bottom." He watched her stomach and chest expand with the deep breath.

"99." She said without prompting and let the breath out.

"Focus on the inside of your eyelids." He said in a soft voice as she took another deep breath.

"98."

He got to 79 before she was alright. But she managed to shut everything else out, just the inside of her eyelids, her breath and her voice counting herself down existed. It was surprisingly effective. She kept going until she got to 60, to make sure she was ok, before turning to Phillip, leaning against the wall closer to him so they could talk as softly as being in a theatre but not on the stage dictated.

"Thanks." She kept her eyes lowered.

"Don't think that deserves a thanks, I was mostly useless." He gave her a small smile as she looked up at him.

"You taught me the counting thing."

"Yeah, but that only works if you're able to focus." He said apologetically. "I'd've been worse than no use if you'd had a full out panic attack." He realised this as he said it. "But I can learn." He said determined.

"It's not your job to learn that kinda stuff Phil." She lowered her eyes again, obviously embarrassed.

"It's a good skill to have." He shrugged off her embarrassment. "You're not the only person with anxiety." He reassured her. "Do you want to talk about the theatre yet?"

"No." She said quickly.

"Alright, something else?"

"Thanks for last night." She said softly and Phil very suddenly became acutely aware of their closeness. The dark hallway was deserted except for them. He lowered his eyes and then looked away. This was not the time to be thinking like this.

"It's no big deal Rae."

"No but it is. You could have so easily-"

"Become a regret for you." He said honestly. "I don't want to be a regret Rae."

"You're one of a kind Phil." She said with a thankful smile, "I'm glad I met you."

"It is one of the greatest joys of my life to have your friendship Rae." Phillip told her honestly, "I wouldn't want anything to destroy it."

"Well we'll just make sure nothing ever does." She said with a grin that made Phil's insides squirm delightedly with love.

"Promise?" He returned the grin.

"Do you?" Phil paused, knowing that he would be telling her he loved her tomorrow night. The outcome of that might change everything.

"Yeah, I promise." He said firmly; he wouldn't let it change everything.

"Me too." She put her arms around his waist and they shared a hug. A hug that very close friends would share. Nothing more. And Phillip's entire being ached for so much more. "Wanna head back in?"

"Yeah, let's check out the competition?" They shared a wry grin and Rae linked arms with Phil before they headed back in.

They sat back down behind Izzy and Sam, neither of them having noticed them leaving, they were too intent on running their lines. Audience members were starting to mill in, Rae looked at Phil's watch.

"Late start." He agreed. Rae leaned forward to Izzy and Sam, "House is live." She told them and they both looked up at the people finding seats near the stage. Izzy sighed.

"Right, better be quiet." She said grimly. They shouldn't have been in the seating when the audience were let in and Rae and Phil gave each other a worried look, both hoping it wouldn't count against them. But they looked over to the other side of the theatre and saw other students from other school's sitting around too.

They had been in the theatre since 7am, they got to do a blocking run; a quick run through of their movement queues on the stage, listen to a safety and rules talk and go over the running order. The judges were introduced to them and they'd been allocated their backstage spaces. Izzy, Candace and Rae shared a tiny corner in the change rooms in front of the mirror. The boys had a similar set up.

There were 60 duologues to get through, each no longer than 10 minutes. They were supposed to be starting at 8am, but they were going to be late, and there was an hour lunch at 1pm. It was going to be a long day, and word wouldn't be sent until 8 or 9 at night as to who got through to the finals. Only 15 duologues would make it to the finals tomorrow, the judges also had the option of interviewing the students for motivation, characterisation, script interpretation and anything else they wanted to ask on the shorter day.

The competition only ended up starting 15 minutes late, with a fairly decent sized audience. At first Rae's stomach was in her throat with nerves, but after only a few moments she was watching the performances with a critical eye.

"I'm seeing some trends." Rae whispered after the fourth duologue. Phil nodded.

"They're all rushing, even the ones that are slower." He whispered. "It's normal for people to speed up on stage, you even hear it with bands and the like. But it takes real nerve to slow down and make an audience wait for you."

"Real nerve and talent." Rae said, "To know how to read an audience. To know when you can get away with making them wait." Phil nodded, "also their characters are kinda shallow."

"Most duologue characters are." Phil said with a grim face.

"But we can add more to ours." Rae said slowly and saw Phil's mind start to tick over. "We need to show a deeper understanding of our characters, and the issues in our piece."

"Up for a late script change?" Phil grinned and Rae nodded

"Let's go somewhere we can talk." Rae got up before Phil had a chance to respond. They left the theatre and headed back to the hotel to work on their script and performance, Rae's anxiety completely gone as she focussed on the task at hand. She sat on the bed as Phil grabbed a pen and their script.

"You know what's wrong with their acting?" Rae said, "It's that you can tell they're acting. It's like Elsa said, they list their lines like a shopping list to remember, rather than speaking them like people speak every day."

"Yeah and you can see the heavy handed characterisation." Phil added. "You almost see the cogs working over in their heads; 'this is what my character wants, so therefore I have to do this.'"

"Yeah that figuring out a characters motives stuff…" Rae thought about it for a while, "But it's so basic innit? It's not really becoming the character like you're s'pose to." She shook her head, "No one thinks, 'this is what I want so I'll act this way' or 'this is my history so I feel that way.'"

"You're totally right." Phil's eyes opened wider. "Thinking like that makes sure the characters are always obviously being acted rather than looking real…"

"You know, if you're chased by a lion in real life, you're not thinking; 'my motivation for running is that I'm being chased by a lion…'" Rae grinned, feeling like she finally got what Elsa had been saying about becoming character completely, so that the lines didn't feel like lines but felt like what you would just naturally say, "You're thinking. 'FUCK! SHIT FUCK! AAAARGGGHHH!'"

"We need to re-characterise, Rae." Phillip aid with a determined grimace, "properly." He looked at his watch, "And we've only got about 2 hours."

_'Under the Milky Way' by The Church_

Finn sat down in the armchair in the corner of the room and watched Archie going over clothes to pack.

"Still not packed?"

"I keep having moments where I think something I've packed is too obviously gay." He sighed.

"Your clothes aren't gay Archie," Fin told him, "They're just bits o' material."

"There are still parts of the world where you can be jailed, flogged, executed for being gay." Archie said, "We're going to a couple of places where being gay is illegal… I'd rather just play it safe you know?"

"Maybe you shouldn't go to those places?"

"Finn, that's not right!" Archie furrowed his brows.

"I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying I don't want nothing to happen to you."

"Nothing will, don't worry!" Archie grinned. "We're travelling as 'cousins' in those countries, and I'm even packing Vaseline instead o' lube, so they'll never know."

"You're gonna have sex in those countries?" Finn's face showed his concern and Archie gave him a reassuring smile.

"As little as possible." Archie said, "But Tom's sex drive won't cope going too long without. We'll be super careful though."

"Just make sure you both get back home, alright?"

"We'll be fine." Archie shook his head; everyone was fretting more now that they date for them leaving was getting close.

"I heard some stuff coming out of Egypt…?" Finn looked so worried that Archie stopped packing to sit on the bed opposite him.

"Yeah there's some stuff happening, but nothing for us to worry about, alright?"

"Alright." Finn accepted Archie's reassurance, "Just remember you're me best mate. I won't do well without you, alright?"

"Alright." Archie grinned, "But honestly, it's just a bit o' travelling. We'll be fine." Archie got up to continue packing. "How you going without Rae?" He asked, "Skipping school already."

"Aye I'm not going if she's not there." Finn shrugged. "I miss her. It's worse cos…" He paused and sighed, "We kinda had some words afore she went."

"Another argument?"

"Not really." Finn shrugged, "More my past mistakes biting me on the arse."

"Oh right? What'd you do this time?" Archie's eyebrows raised as Finn hesitated to respond.

"I might of… tried to fuck Elsa…"

"What the fuck?" Archie's jaw dropped.

"When we was broken up over Christmas… might have gone over to Elsa's right after we broke up and tried to…"

"You are un-fucking-believable." Archie shook his head, "On the day you broke up?" Finn nodded, "Couldn't even give it a day afore you tried to get your dick in someone else?"

"Yeah alright!" Finn said with an unimpressed look.

"Oi, don't give me that fucking look; you know I'm right!"

"I were a fucking mess alright?" Finn retorted.

"Alright, and the answer to that of course, is to fuck someone."

"I'm not saying it were the right thing to do… just that… it were a coping mechanism." Archie shook his head.

"Right, and you know what Rae was doing to cope?"

"Aye I know." Finn lowered his eyes, remembering the diary entry from that time that he's read.

"Even when she turned to Liam to deal with being alone, she at least waited a few weeks, you know? And it weren't till you went to Leeds that she-"

"I know!" Finn said sternly, "I know it were a fuck up!" Finn said grumpily.

"And with Elsa! What were you thinking?"

"I weren't thinking."

"Obviously." Archie folded up a shirt and put it in his backpack. "Maybe you went there cos in the back o' your head you knew she'd shut you down." Archie mused, "You could o' just as easily gone to Olivia or Chloe and gotten some…" Archie sighed and Finn appreciated his best mate's ability to understand him. "I suppose it could have been worse. How did Rae find out?"

"She kinda guessed, I were being too proud of me closeness to Elsa I guess."

"Yeah I noticed that too. I was wondering…" Archie shook his head, "How'd she take it?"

"Better than I'd hoped." Finn nodded slowly, considering this. "She needs some time alone to think though."

"And she's got that I suppose."

"Except she's not alone… she's with Phil." Archie looked up from his packing at Finn.

"So she's in an incredibly emotional state, in which she needs time alone to get her head on straight… and Phil's there?" Archie looked Finn up and down, "You're very calm right now…"

"Expecting me to be smashing shit over something I can't change and have no control over?"

"That's what you've been doing so far."

"Aye and it hasn't really done much for me, has it?" Finn grinned, "I'm surprisingly alright." He added.

"Phil's gonna try it on with her… you know that right?"

"Aye I do." Finn grinned, "And she'll probably sleep with him. Which will be difficult and messy. But we'll be alright." He shrugged.

"Are you serious?" Archie sat down on the bed again and stared at Finn. But before Finn had chance to speak, Archie continued, "You think Rae's gonna fuck him…?"

"Probably." Finn shrugged. "It's not like I want it to happen!" Finn said to Archie's disbelieving face. "I just accept that it probably will."

"You honestly think Rae's just gonna fuck Phil…? What, outta revenge or misery or…?" Archie shook his head confused, "Why d'you think she'd do that?"

"Cos Phillip is gonna take her out to dinner to declare his love for her on Tuesday, and she is going to need to feel beautiful after-"

"After mercilessly comparing herself to Elsa since the moment she found out." Archie finished of the sentence and sighed. "I guess I can see why you think it'd happen, but I don't think she'd cheat." He shook his head, unable to think about it.

"Except I told her she could do whatever she wanted no questions asked." Finn said, "So it's not cheating." Finn took a deep breath. He'd told her that when he thought it was just going to be a kiss. Now he almost regretted giving her the freedom to do whatever she wanted. Except he could never regret giving her anything she needed, even if what she needed was Phil.

"What?" Archie watched Finn shrug. "I don't understand how you went from almost insanely jealous to… this…"

"It's just some stuff clicked in me head Archie." Finn said, "It's not right to be jealous and possessive. I get it… I see what I was, and I feel deep inside that I'll be happier if I'm the opposite o' that. And the opposite o' trying to own someone, is giving them complete freedom." He shrugged again. "And I am actually happier like this so far." He gave a slight grin, "Which surprises me."

"If you're alright with it, are you two moving away from monogamy?"

"No I don't think so." Finn furrowed his brows. "Unless she really wants or needs to. But I want monogamy. I suspect she will too." Finn watched Archie's confused face, "I think this thing with Phil is an anomaly. I think Rae will be keen to be monogamous after she's gotten it out of her system." Finn shrugged. "I'm keen to give her whatever she needs either way." Archie considered this for a moment then nodded.

"You make compromises in a relationship." He agreed.

"Oh this isn't compromise, this is utter capitulation!" Finn laughed. "But I don't mind." Finn watched Archie packing for a moment. "How's everything in your life?"

"Really good." Archie gave a satisfied grin. "I'm so excited about this journey Finn! I've repacked about eight times." He looked in his backpack and sighed, "I'm a bit nervous too. It's my first time traveling without my parents." Archie had been to France with his parents, "Tom's first time leaving the UK."

"D'you remember when we was little how we made that plan to go backpack around Scotland?" Finn chuckled, "What a grand adventure!" He joked. Archie laughed.

"We should still do that."

"Oh aye?" Finn asked surprised.

"I reckon it'd be great fun." Archie grinned, "Just the two of us!"

"Alright, you're on!" Finn held out a hand to shake and Archie took it.

"After uni?"

"After uni." He agreed and they shook hands. "

"Have to leave Rae and Tom behind…" Archie mused.

"I'm sure they'll entertain each other." Finn shrugged.

"Tom's gonna struggle." Archie contemplated.

"You what?" Finn asked with a strange grin, "Is he that dependent on you?"

"No… he's very independent. I meant the sex drive. He's a fucking beast on heat Finn!" Archie laughed.

"Oh right." Finn nodded, "A bit like me huh?"

"Now that you mention it… But kinda twice as bad." Archie went through the medications bag he had and realised they should probably take some rehydration solution. "Lucky we don't have redgate to deal with."

"Me either anymore." Finn declared happily. "So…. You don't miss school?"

"No I fucking don't!" Archie laughed. "I thought I would, but it's such a fucking relief to not have to go back there." He looked over at Finn, "You should know."

"When I left I were fucking heartbroken Archie. I weren't thinking about the plus side of quitting College."

"So you guys re actually alright?"

"Aye." Finn nodded, leaning back in the chair nonchalantly. "I already know exactly how the conversation'll go when I see her on Wednesday." Finn bit his thumbnail carelessly, "I've even figured out what sorts o' things I'm gonna say to make her feel better."

"Got it all worked out then?"

"Aye."

"What if she picks Phillip." Archie looked him square in the eyes, "Thought of that?"

"If she picks Phil, it'll be my turn to annoy the fuck outta him." Finn grinned, "Cos no matter what, Rae and I'll always end up back together." Finn answered confidently.

"What if you're wrong?"

"I'm not."

"What if she loves him?"

"I already know she does." Finn shrugged and gave a slightly smug smile. "I know she might pick him, Archer. I've had this discussion with Rhys already. If it makes her happy, I'll abide by it."

"And wait around for her like Phil…" Archie watched Finn shrug with an enigmatic grin, "But if she don't want you no more, wouldn't you wanna be with someone who does?"

"Arch, stop worrying; we're fine." Finn told him firmly, "I got this one figured out. For once in me fucking life, I know what's going on."

"Alright." Archie answered unconvinced and counted how many pairs of underwear he had.

"Alright." Finn mocked and Archie threw a pair of socks at his head. Finn caught the socks and tossed them back gently with a grin. They shared a moment of silence before Finn decided to broach a topic he'd been meaning to ask Archie for a while. "I… I saw some bruises on Tom's thighs." Finn said as matter-of-factly as he could and Archie looked over at him momentarily before looking back at his packing.

"And?" Archie tried to not get defensive; he knew Finn had done the best job out of everyone at accepting his and Tom's unusual relationship. Out of all of the gang, Chop and Izzy were the only two that had ended up in a conventional relationship. Finn had ended up with a bigger girl and Archie had seen firsthand the way people judged that, and they were quite experimental, and possibly moving towards an open relationship. Chloe had ended up in an inter-racial open relationship with Rhys, whose sexuality was undefined, but obviously very open. And he himself had ended up in a gay sadomasochistic relationship with a Greek god nymphomaniac… Sometimes it was hard to not get defensive when the majority of the gang seemed to need to defend themselves and their love so often.

"I…" Archie watched his best mate hesitate, then overcome his fear, "I kinda liked 'em." Finn bit the inside of his cheek. "They looked good." He winced slightly, "Do I sound a bit fucked up?"

"Nah." Archie shrugged, "Tom likes us both to always have a mark on us. I'm not so fussed about leaving marks." Archie sat on the bed, needing to take a moment away from the packing, "I don't like the pain as much as Tom, but I love overcoming it and I like control and power play much more than Tom. Tom's not so fussed by power. He liked pain, a lot of pain, and to leave a mark. He's talking about getting a branding or a tattoo of my name on him." Archie grinned. "He wants me to do it to him!" He chucked, "Love that fucking crazy man."

"Are you gonna?"

"Yeah, it'll make him happy, so why not? And I'll definitely enjoy doing it to him."

"Will you get a tattoo of his name?"

"Probably." Archie smiled and flopped back on the bed. "So you're a little like Tom then? Wonder if my tastes rubbed off on you when we were kids?"

"Could have been the other way round!" Finn laughed.

"Or maybe we're both just bent!" Archie laughed, "Birds of a feather and all that." Archie thought about how true it was that people who were alike tended to stick together unconsciously.

"Probably both born with it!" Finn agreed comfortably. "So…" He tried to continue, "So… how would I…?"

"Get bruises like that?"

"Safely." He added and Archie sat up.

"Of course safely." Archie tutted. "I did those with a wooden paddle." Archie got up and went into his and Tom's walk in wardrobe and opened a closed cupboard up the back of it. He returned with the wooden paddle. "Like this." He handed it to Finn.

"That must've fucking hurt." Finn marvelled.

"That's the point." Archie said drolly and Finn gave him an unimpressed look.

"Have you ever had any accidents?"

"Yeah!" Archie intimated with a slight grin, "First time I caned Tom I hit over his kidneys and he pissed blood for a week. He was not impressed."

"Too far even for Tom?"

"Tom has very definite limits. And I respect them." He shook his head, "It was a rookie error that I haven't made again." He looked at Finn's face, "Just stick to meaty parts of the body. Nothing bony except knuckles and even then, only for people who really love the pain. Use the flat side of the paddle, not the narrow side… what are you gonna use?"

"Riding crop."

"Big or small tip?" Archie asked expertly, surprising Finn.

"Big."

"That's the less painful option." Archie assured him "Hit yourself on the thigh to get a feel for how much it'll hurt. Start on her arse, it's the soft option for this kind of stuff." Archie continued.

"I want her to do it to me." Finn countered and Archie gave a surprised grin.

"Is she alright with that?"

"I think so yeah."

"Well, you know, same advice but other way round." Archie told him, "Tell her to be mindful of where the tip is wrapping round too; make sure it's not hitting anywhere too sensitive. You should probably only get your arse hit hard with a crop tip, but you can use the centre part of a crop as a cane and go after the upper thighs with it pretty good. That will give some lovely bruises." He shrugged, "Tell her to start really soft and build up very slowly." Archie told him, "Work out both your limits together. You'll be fine." Finn slowly took it all in.

"Cheers Archie. Just wanted to make sure we weren't gonna end up with a hospital visit. I've had enough o' that fucking place!"

"Me too." Archie agreed, "You being in there was seriously one of the worst experiences of my life Finn."

"Sorry." Finn scrunched up his nose.

"Yeah well don't fucking do it again!"

"Oh come on Arch!" Finn pretended to complain, "I wanted to get stabbed again!"

"I know you get a great scar an' all, but it scared the fucking bejesus outta me!" Archie admonished.

"Wanna see how it's going?" Finn grinned and Archie nodded like they were boys again getting up to mischief. Finn lifted up his shirt and Archie peered at the pink line down his abdomen.

"Gee, they didn't do a bad job stitching that fucker up." Archie leaned forward and ran his finger along part of the scar.

"Aye, they had to keep me pretty!" They chuckled and Archie missed just hanging out with Finn.

"So how long have I got you for today?"

"Till six. Me mum's coming over for dinner."

"Your mum… she's… doing alright?"

"Sorta." Finn sighed. "I think none of us know how it all fits together anymore. But she's a real nice person. Down to earth and… I quite like her. It's just the mum bit that's doing me head in."

"Just the mum bit?" Archie asked pointedly.

"And I kinda feel like she's disappointed in me." Archie furrowed his brows.

"Why?"

"Cos o' Rae." Finn said glumly.

"She's not judging Rae is she, cos if she is, I'll give your mother a stern talking to Finlay!" Archie said honestly.

"Not so much Rae as the relationship itself." Finn clarified with another sigh, "Too serious too young."

"Oh right, that crap." Archie rolled his eyes, "If you're under 30, suddenly everyone's a fucking expert about your relationship." Archie shook his head, "Like they know anything more about love than the rest of us. If anything they get more confused about it all, the older they get!"

"Remember when you gave me that concerned talk that I was too young-"

"Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up!" Archie shook his head, "I didn't know." He said, "I do now." Archie flopped back on to the bed again, "I thought that whole idea of just knowing that someone was the one was romanticised bullshit. But I know Tom's the one." Archie said simply. "Know it in my bones. So I understand how you know it with Rae." He looked over at Finn, "I always thought falling in love for me would be this slow, quiet affair. Dignified and cautious… I just fell arse over head!" He shook his head, "Just like you."

"It were gradual for Chop though." Finn said, "It took him a long time to realise he loved Izzy. It happens differently for everyone."

"How did your parents fall in love?"

"Younger than me, faster than me… and with a child at 16." Finn gave Archie a meaningful look.

"D'you think it was a brightly burning fire that would've burned itself out if they hadn't had you?"

"It's possible." Finn sucked his bottom lip for a minute, "Maybe they wouldn't of got married and stayed together for as long as they did if they hadn't o' had me."

"Well, I guess this reunion is the perfect chance to find out." Archie mused, "Does it bother you either way."

"I really don't know Archie." Finn confessed, "I don't know what I'm hoping'll happen anymore."

_'Does it Matter?' by The Mavis's_

Rae had only had the smallest hint of anxiety before going on stage; she was too focussed on remembering the changes to their script, their characterisation, their interactions. She had learned from this that focus was important to controlling her anxiety.

Their performance had been wonderful, dynamic and exhilarating to do. They hadn't missed one thing; it had gone as well as it possibly could and as soon as they'd gotten off stage Rae and flung her arms around Phil's neck in excitement. Elsa had found them backstage, still deconstructing their performance, and told them she was impressed.

They had watched the second half of the performances after lunch, sitting next to each other in the back of theatre just under the biobooth, their thighs touching, whispering their opinions about the performances quietly to each other when each duologue was finished.

The first part of the competition wrapped up at 7:30 and Elsa and her 6 actors went to get dinner at the hotel restaurant, tensely awaiting news of who would get into the finals tomorrow.

Some actors and their teacher at another table at the restaurant got their news first; they cheered happily and the Stamford kids looked at each other glumly. Over the next few minutes they heard various defeated groans and triumphant cheers from around the hotel restaurant; it seemed that a lot of the actors were staying here.

It was a full fifteen minutes later when a waiter came over to them.

"Ms King." Elsa nodded and took the proffered folded piece of paper from them. She opened it up and took a deep breath before silently reading the results. Rae and Phil tried to read her expression but it was impossible to know what was on the piece of paper.

"Unfortunately,' Elsa began and everyone groaned sadly. "Only Rae and Phil got through to the finals." Rae and Phil's faces lit up and then instantly fell.

"Oh Izzy!" Rae hugged Izzy, sitting next to her.

"It's alright Rae, I didn't think I'd get through."

Rae and Phil tried to offer commiserations, but Izzy, Sam, Candace and Josh were having none of it, and congratulations were the main theme of the conversation for the rest of their dinner.

"Those were some clever changes you made." Elsa said, "Large enough to make you stand head and shoulders above your competition, small enough to be close enough to the original script for you to not be disqualified." Elsa nodded, "well played. Now watch all the other couples fearfully try to change theirs tonight to match you, and fail." Elsa cocked an eyebrow, "I am so glad you finally got that shift in characterisation focus I've been talking about." She noted. "Because no one else has it in this competition." She grinned like the Cheshire cat. "Get some rest tonight you two." She looked at the other four actors, "Don't keep them awake all night!"

The excited energy in the room was infectious, but both Rae and Phil were feeling anxious for sleep. They were lying in the same configuration as the night before, everyone talking and giggling, Rae silently bemoaning the noise they were making.

Phil quietly got up and left the room as everyone watched tv laughing. He escaped silently, taking his bag with him and went into the other room. It was gloriously empty and he intended to have a long shower, a wank, and a good sleep. He hadn't even put his bag down when there was a soft tapping at the door.

He knew it was her before he'd opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" He asked with an inviting grin as he let her in.

"Like I told that lot, I need some sleep and the racket they're making don't help." Rae said with a shrug, "And I didn't wanna sleep on the fucking floor again!" He chuckled and turned to the room.

"Well you got three beds to choose from."

"Which one are you sleeping in?" Rae felt an anxious knot in the pit of her stomach that she didn't fully understand.

"I'll let you choose first." They were standing closer than they really needed to, and he could almost feel the heat emanating from her skin.

"Well I suppose I'll take the one furthest from the door." Rae went over to the bed and dropped her bag on the bedside table without looking back at Phil.

"I guess I'll take the one closest to the door then." He decided to keep a bed between them; that was the best thing for not seeming like a creep. Although he felt like one, the way he kept looking over at her. He sat down on the bed facing away from her, his bag at his feet, determined to give her some privacy.

Rae pulled off her shirt to get ready for bed and turned to see what Phillip was doing. She watched him unbutton his shirt slowly, his back turned to her. She looked down at her bra and then back up at Phil as he slipped his shirt off, the muscles on his back moving sinuously.

"Did you…" Phil stopped moving, waiting for her to finish her sentence, "Did you paint me?" She asked, her eyes glued to his back, her stomach clenching anxiously in the silence he left after her question. She watched his head drop slightly and knew the answer in that small movement.

"Yes." He was almost silent, "I'm sorry." His shoulders slumped, "I was going to leave but-"

"No, it's fine." Phil turned to her, wanting to see her facial expression; her answer was so unexpected. His eyes fell on her and lust erupted in his stomach; she was wearing only jeans and a black bra. Phil made himself turn away. "When you were painting me… what did you think?"

"I was trying to capture the light." Phil said in a numb voice as he tried to get his lust under control.

"I meant about my body."

"Why does it matter what I think about your body?" Phil's voice was rushed, Rae had never heard Phil rush anything he said.

"It matters." She answered, her whole body on edge as he again didn't reply for a long time.

"I tried to capture the light." Phillip whispered softly, "The way it touches your skin… Rae…. You glow." He looked back up at her, "You're perfect Rae. Your body… it's perfect." Rae saw his eyes drop down her body momentarily before returning to her face and she let herself do the same to him, noting the way his waist looked as he twisted around to look at her. She didn't know why, but she felt herself undoing her jeans and letting them drop to the ground. Phil's eyes never left her face.

"What about now? Without that skirt to cover me lower half?" Rae had been wearing a see through skirt when she had modelled for the painting class.

"Rae, I can't." Phil turned away, his eyes focussing on the wall, his mind racing.

"Look at me." Her voice was as demanding as it was vulnerable. But this was a different kind of vulnerable to what she was feeling last night. Phil turned on the bed, and slowly let his eyes take her in. Rae watched his eyes drinking her, and waited until his eyes slowly made their way up to hers.

"What do you think now?"

"Rae…"

"No lies." Rae insisted, "What are you thinking?"

"I wish you were naked." His voice was filled with an aching desire, "Shit." He cursed himself for saying that and looked away. "I'm sorry." His voice was raw with a deep emotion that moved Rae. She felt herself undoing her bra, slipping her underwear off while he spoke, "I shouldn't have said something like that to you… it's so inappropriate." He shook his head.

"Maybe if you see me naked, you won't think I'm think I'm perfect anymore." Rae considered this, perhaps he'd stop crushing on her if he saw her this way. She was surprised by the fact that she didn't know how that made her feel.

"I highly doubt tha-" Phil turned to her and stop mid-sentence, his mouth opened in surprise as he saw her naked body. His look almost instantly turned to one of lust; it was a look Rae knew well because it was the exact same look Finn gave her when he saw her naked.

"I shouldn't be staring at you like this…" He barely breathed the words.

"Then look away."

"I can't." Phil admitted, "And I know I should." He stood up and took a step closer to her, the third bed still between them. Rae could see desire in every movement he made, the way he leaned towards her, the deep breaths that made his chest rise slowly, sensually.

"Take your clothes off." Rae couldn't believe what she was saying, but she needed to see him. To know it was true. To know that maybe she wasn't repulsive to everyone but Finn. To know that this was real; that the desire in his eyes wasn't just some sort of joke. Maybe she was reading him wrong. "Take 'em off." She repeated as he stood there motionless, staring at her. He started to unbutton his jeans, his eyes never leaving Rae's face, even as he bent to take his jeans and boxers off in one movement. He stood before her completely naked and it took Rae a long moment before she could look down at his body. He was incredibly fit; he was both taller and narrower than Finn, but still muscular, and Rae was surprised at how lustful her thoughts became as she let her eyes creep down his body to his erect cock.

_He's got an erection…_

_If he didn't think I was beautiful… he wouldn't have one…_

"You really do think I'm beautiful…" Rae barely breathed the words, her eyes still on his erection.

"That word doesn't even come close Rae… it's a pathetic-"

"You want me." She cut him off, her eyes snapping to his.

"I want you." He took a step closer to her, his heart beating faster.

"I never thought any lad would really want me…" She mumbled, her eyes filled with painful insecurity.

"Why would you ever think that Rae?" He ached to touch her, to make love to her. He feared that he'd only last a few minutes if he got to be inside of her, but he knew he'd be able to go again; with a woman like Rae, it'd be impossible to not go again.

"Marketing." She reminded him of what he'd said last night to Josh.

"Yeah but you're smarter than that Rae." Phil wished that advertising and media hadn't gotten to her, but he knew it had before he'd opened his mouth; it got to everyone.

"No but I'm not." She said sadly, "I wish I were Phil, but…" She looked away, her arms crossing over her stomach… No one's smarter than that, when they're constantly told that they're fat and ugly."

"But you're not." Phil felt his insides churning with grief over what this world had done to her.

"What? You gonna tell me I got the same body as Izzy or Candace?" Rae's eyes flashed at him and he shook his head. "I'm fat." Rae declared, feeling none of the repulsed shame she had felt when she had said it in front of Finn. Finn was the first person, besides Kester, who she'd really opened up to about her body issues, and she quite suddenly realised how far she had come when she looked at Phil taking in what she had said and felt her arms dropping from her stomach defiantly.

"Alright." Phil shrugged. "If that's the language you want to use." He gave her a wry grin, "So you're fat and beautiful." But even as she scoffed in disbelief she realised that part of her was starting to believe it. She just needed so much reassurance and it irked her. But it was a need that wold not be silent.

"Why do you like my body Phillip?" She asked sternly, taking a step closer to him and watching his eyes drop down her body again, enjoying the desire in his eyes.

"Oh god Rae, I can't even begin to put it into words." He muttered as he eye fucked her body, Rae feeling a thrill go up her spine when she saw his expression change. "I love the shape of your body, it's pure art." She saw his fingers spread out over his own thigh slightly, clearly aching to touch her. "Your skin is smooth and flawless, I've never seen anything like it Rae. The contrast between the paleness of your skin and the darkness of your hair; the great painters would kill to be able to create something so spectacular." This time his hand moved forward slightly. "The way your hips curve into your waste is… The majesty of the entire universe couldn't equal that. The roundness of your stomach and the fullness of your breasts, you're like a goddess… no you are a goddess… you literally take my breath away." He looked up at her face, "I've lost my words Rae." He shook his head, "I can't even speak…" He looked her up and down slowly, his eyes filled with so much ache that Rae could almost feel his heat from where she was. "I imagined that if I were ever privileged enough to see you like this, that I'd be able to conjure poetry to tell you how perfectly beautiful you are. But… you're so much more beautiful than I imagined… and I'm lost for words." He licked his bottom lip and looked her in the eyes. "I'm sorry I did such a bad job of…" He lowered his eyes, looking down at the single bed between them.

"I'm such a bad person Phil." Phil's eyes shot up to her face, she was looking down, clearly upset.

"How could you think that?"

"Cos I'm with Finn and I'm standing here… naked. In front of you." Rae's fingers started to fidget and Phil watched as her eyes turned back to his body. He thought that perhaps there was a hint of desire there, but she was horrified at what she was doing and feeling.

"Well," Phil looked around the room for an answer, "The human body, especially yours, is art." He told her firmly, "And it only become sexual when we make it that way. So your body, is just a body, no different clothed or unclothed, unless you choose to make it sexual, either with yourself, or… with someone… else." He stared at her longingly, but would not push her

"Someone like… like you…" She whispered, her lips parted as if he were about to kiss her.

"Or I guess… Finn." Phil tried to make her feel better and she nodded slowly.

"So right now, Phil… this is art?"

"This is whatever we choose to make it Rae. Is your body sexual right now… or is it just naked…?" Their eyes met, both of them feeling an ache in the pit of their bellies. There was no doubt in Phillip's mind now that Rae had some kind of sexual desire for him. But how strong that was, and whether it would lead anywhere were things he didn't know. The silence drew out.

"I don't know." She breathed, her chest rising dramatically as she took a deep breath.

"What do you want it to be?" Phil prodded gently, not wanting to push too hard, but unable to stop himself from trying, "What do you want this moment to be?"

"I want…" She paused, her eyes dropping to his mouth, before sliding down his body lustily. Phil felt his innards sizzle when he saw that look on her face. There was a long pause as he watched her eye fucking him, until their eyes met again. Then the silence again. "I don't know." She whispered the words and Phil felt his stomach drop.

"Then…" Phil swallowed and looked her up and down one more time, committing her naked body to his memory, "Then it needs to be nothing." He said regretfully.

"Nothing?" He heard a tinge of regret and relief in her voice.

"You need to be sure." He said with a sad smile, "I don't wanna be a regret, Rae." There was another moment of silence while Rae took that in, slowly nodding.

"Right…" She slowly agreed, "Well we got the finals tomorrow." She finally managed to tear her eyes away from Phillip, "We should get some sleep."

"Yeah." Phil agreed softly as he watched her grab a singlet from her bag and put it on with a fresh pair of boy shorts. He thudded down onto his bed, forcing himself to look away from her body. "Might just have a shower first." He said and looked back over at her, she had gotten into bed, facing the wall, away from him.

"Alright," she called without looking back at him, "good night Phil."

Phil had only just gotten into bed, wearing fitted boxers and nothing else when Elsa unlocked the door and came into the room. Phil sat up in bed to look at her and Rae turned over in her bed.

"Just had to shut up those dickheads next door and noticed you two missing." She said with slightly narrowed eyes.

"Just trying to get some sleep." Rae said wearily, "I wanna win."

"Yep." Phil agreed, glad that he had resisted the urge to sit on the middle bed and try to talk to her again. Even more glad that he had resisted his desire to crawl into the bed beside her and hold her.

"Right." Elsa looked from Rae in the furthest bed to Phil in the closest; the third bed between them. "Can I trust you two?"

"I was asleep until you opened the door." Rae grumbled, "I need sleep if I'm gonna win this thing Elsa."

"And we're not gonna get any sleep with those dickheads around us." Elsa looked unimpressed with the situation and then shrugged.

"Alright then. But don't make me regret this."

"Deal." Rae said and rolled back onto her side facing away from them. Elsa's eyes went to Phil and he nodded. Elsa closed the door and Phil looked over at Rae for a moment before settling in to sleep.

Phil opened his eyes, the clock read 12:04.

He felt her arm snake around his waist.

"Why are you in bed with me?" He asked without turning to her.

"Luck." She whispered, her lips near his ear, "We got through to the finals after sleeping next to each other." He felt her body against his and closed his eyes to savour it for a moment, her hand was on his bare stomach and he felt his cock starting to throb again.

"I see." He replied in as even a voice as he could muster.

"Plus I'm not used to sleeping alone anymore." She confessed, "I can't sleep without someone in the bed with me."

"I'm the wrong someone." He reminded both of them.

"Not sure it makes much of a difference right now." He couldn't read her tone and needed to see her face to gauge her mood.

"It might not make a difference, but it does matter." He turned carefully in the narrow single bed to face her, her arm stayed hanging over his waist, but he folded his arms over his chest, trying to not get into this right now; they had a performance to sleep for, and he had dinner planned out tomorrow night, and they were only in their underwear, and he didn't want her to regret making love to him.

Making love. He'd give anything for her to want it as much as he did. But he knew she was hurt over Finn's fuck up, and that wasn't the right reason to do this.

"How does it matter?" Her voice was slightly petulant and he adored that.

"At this rate Rae we'll end up naked in bed together after the finals." He almost pleaded with her for it to happen, but knew she would worry about Finn if something like that were to happen.

"Maybe." She moved her face closer, their lips almost touching again. He could feel her breath on his face.

"You don't mean that." He could barely bring himself to say it, he so hoped she did mean it.

"Fine I don't." She lowered her eyes and moved her head back. Phil ached to beg her to kiss him; he knew it wouldn't take begging. Her mood had changed; she wasn't as vulnerable as last night, now she was almost emotionless and curious about him, putting Finn out of her mind as much as possible. This was part of her way of dealing with how upset she was over Finn, but there was more to it. Part of her actually wanted him; he was growing more and more sure of that. And she was flirting with that part of herself more and more, and only the numbness towards her relationship with Finn would allow her to ever do that. Phillip understood now what Finn had said when he'd told him that this was the best bet he'd ever had, that this was his chance to find out how she really felt. At any other time her relationship with Finn would have made her shut down any exploration of her feelings towards Phillip. But now, after their argument, she was more open to her curiosity, to her feelings.

"I know you don't." He sounded disappointed even to his own ears and he wished he had kept that tone out of his voice.

"Am I a bad person?" Her voice went up an octave and Phil could tell she was upset.

"No." He told her, "You're the best person."

"Phil… I… everything that's happened…" She shook her head slowly, "Just tonight…"

"Well, you're not naked anymore, so you don't have to worry about what you might be doing to Finn. And I think we're both looking after you pretty well, so-"

"What about what I'm doing to you?" She asked meaningfully as she ran her hand from his waist up his side to his face. She gently stroked his face as Phil silently considered that question, his arms uncrossing so that he could gently stroke her face too. He couldn't believe that he was touching her like this again and he had to close his eyes for a moment to take in the feel of her skin under his fingertips. But he knew she was still vulnerable, and more curious, not desirous enough. He couldn't let anything happen tonight, no matter how much he wanted her; it wouldn't be right.

"I won't pretend that this is the hardest thing I've ever experienced Rae, because even now… after you've crawled into my bed, after everything, I still won't let you make me into a regret. So yeah, this is… very difficult, to say the least. But I also won't pretend that these haven't been the best two nights of my life."

"The best?" She sounded incredulous.

"This time with you Rae…" Phil couldn't find the words, "I'll remember this for the rest of my life." He knew from the look in her eyes that she knew he loved her. But tonight was not the night for those words so he let the silence settle between them as she considered his words.

"Do you wanna touch me?" Her mouth barely moved, but the words were clear in the silent room. "Would that make these two nights even better?"

"Do you really need to ask?" His fingers stopped caressing her cheek, his eyes searched hers for a sign of where she wanted this to go tonight.

"No." Rae's voice was almost seductive and Phil felt a shiver go up his spine, "No, I don't s'pose I do." Her eyes dropped to his lips, "But you do."

"Do you wanna touch me?" He sounded vulnerable, and he was; he was scared she'd say no. What if she said yes?

"No…" Phil's heart stopped and a small, teasing smile kissed her lips, "Phil… ask if you can touch me." Phil could barely breathe he wanted her so much. It had been a blessing beyond what he had expected to be able to stroke her face. It was also torture beyond anything he'd imagined. Having her so close and knowing he couldn't have her completely. He shouldn't ask, he should insist they go back to sleep.

"Can I touch you?" He whispered the words achingly, not sure what he hoped the answer would be. In some ways 'no' would be easier.

"Yes." Her voice was husky, afraid and filled with equal parts desire and trepidation. He let his hand fall from her face to her arm and slowly let his hand travel down to her hand as it stroked his face. To his surprise he felt her other hand reach out to hold the hand of the arm he was lying on, as his other hand travelled back up her arm to her shoulder. When his hand touched her side she closed her eyes momentarily as if testing what this felt like. When she opened them again, she squeezed his hand and smiled slightly, their eyes meeting and staying together as his hand travelled down her side slowly, revelling in the curve of her hip. When his fingertips touched the exposed skin between her singlet and underwear he paused, his fingertips caressing her bare flesh, his mind unable to grasp how soft her skin was. Gently he let his fingers slip under the hem of her singlet. Her eyes seemed to invite him to keep going so he let his hand travel up her back under her singlet. Her skin was silky and smooth and Phil had to stop himself from leaning forward to kiss her; he wanted to keep his eyes on her face, to see her reactions to his touch. He wanted to make sure he didn't overstep the boundary. Rae blinked slowly and arched her body slightly as his fingers tickled up her spine; it felt nice. When she arched he splayed his hand on her back and pulled her closer before he'd even had chance to think about what he was doing. She again wrapped her leg over his and her hand went from his face down his bare chest. Phil's breath stopped as her hand continued to travel down, over his stomach, stopping at the elastic to his boxers. His hand went back down her back towards her underwear, he traced his fingers along the hem of them, taking real delight in the moment when his fingers dipped down at the very top of the crack of her arse that just poked out of the top of her underwear. He groaned as her fingers copied his tracing along the hem of his boxers, around his waist, from the front, under his navel to the back, her hand flattening when she got to the small of the back to draw him closer still. Both of their eyes drop to the other's lips at the same moment; her obvious desire made Phillip daring and he let his hand slip lower over her arse again. She gasped slightly, the sound ending with a slight urgent groan of desire and pleasure.

Before either of them knew what was happening Phil had rolled her in the bed, ending up on top of her, her leg now wrapping around his waist as he leaned over her, his hand travelling up her stomach under her singlet, their eyes meeting just as his fingertips brushed her breasts. He stopped. Her hands were on his bare back, her mouth open with panting desire. He stared at her for a long time. Rae could feel his hard cock pressing through his boxers against her. If they had no clothes on, his cock would be pressing against her cunt; he could so easily slide into her if they were naked.

Rae didn't know how she felt about this, how close they were to fucking. They'd never kissed, she was with Finn, even if he had said no questions asked about this thing; because she knew the dinner was coming up tomorrow; she could tell by Phil's behaviour that he had it all planned out for Tuesday night. This was all part of it, she knew it. And she knew that Phil was right, if she wanted Finn's forgiveness, she'd get it. But did she want this with Phil? She didn't know. Phil saw that indecision in her eyes, but it was much less than last night. Even so, he couldn't do it if she wasn't sure.

"We can't do this." He whispered.

"Why?" She almost whimpered. He let his hand run up to her breast and gently cupped it, his cock throbbing for her. She moaned as his fingers found her nipple.

"What does that feel like?" He whispered, already knowing that the question would kill her mood. She furrowed her brows, her hands traveling down her back to his hips and then onward to his arse, pulling him closer, making him moan for her.

"I dunno." She deflected. He nestled into between her thighs even closer, spreading her thighs even wider and pressing his body to hers.

"What do I feel like?"

"Different." She whispered the answer he knew she'd give, the answer that would kill her mood, "It's so strange that you're not Finn." He eyes dropped to his mouth and she bit her bottom lip, "Your hands are a little bigger. And your waist is a little skinnier…" Her brows furrowed again, "I don't know how I feel… I don't know if you fit." That vulnerability was back in her voice and Phil made himself not press against her so firmly, made his hand travel away from her magnificent breasts, made himself shift to the side, to be lying beside her. She let him move without comment, even though her cunt ached for him in a wholly unexpected way. If she had said he felt right pressed against her, they would have made love. But as he suspected; she didn't know how she felt about it.

"Like jigsaw pieces." He understood. "You know you fit with Finn. But you don't know that about me."

"Aye…" Her whisper was sad, but curious. She wanted to know if they could fit. Phillip took her hand again, curling his fingers in between hers.

"How does that feel?" He asked gently.

"Different."

"Ok." He smiled slightly and nodded his head, "And other than different?"

"Nicer than I thought it would." Phillip watched her furrow her brow in confusion and knew in that instant that she actually had very deep feelings for him. He could see in that moment of confusion that she loved him. She just didn't know it yet. His heart leapt up to his mouth as it all became clearer. And then a final realisation came to him: Finn knew she loved him. Finn already had an idea of how this was all going to go. He wished Finn had clued him in a bit better; would have chosen his course of action better.

"It feels perfect to me." Phil said, "It feels right." He stroked her face and Rae looked at him as she rolled back on her side, putting them back in the position this had started in, still holding his hand with the arm she was lying on.

"It feels right to me too." Her voice was small and confused. "But different."

"Different's ok though." Phil said, "Different is neither better nor worse. It's just different."

"I never thought I'd hold someone else's hand." Rae judged herself very poorly and furrowed her brows.

"There's nothing wrong with holding other people's hands. Sometimes friends just do that." Phil said comfortingly, "But you know, just cos Finn was the first guy to see you… it doesn't mean he's the only one to have seen you. And just cos he feels right, it doesn't mean he'll be the only one to feel right."

"You do too." She whispered, a slight fear in her eyes.

"But that's not bad. Finn's not the only guy in the world just cos he was the first to hold your hand like this."

"But he's… he's Finn. I'm with him…"

"You don't owe him anything Rae. Just cos he was the first… it doesn't mean you owe him anything."

"What d'you mean?" She frowned and Phillip worried that he'd said too much.

"I know you love him, and I know he loves you." Phillip answered slowly, "And I know he was the first guy to make you feel as beautiful as you are." He stroked her face gently, "But you know, him being the first doesn't mean you have to stay with him for the rest of your life."

"No, but the love does."

"No it doesn't." Phil answered, "Love isn't enough for a relationship to last. There has to be communication," Phil tried to think of all the things he believed to be important to a relationship. "And compromise and working together and trust and-"

"Trust." Rae said sadly. "Trust."

"Sometimes relationships fall apart or grow slowly separate for no reason. It's no one's fault. Sometimes they don't fall apart and they work perfectly. You can never know what the future holds." Phillip grimaced in thought, "I can't tell you what to do about the trust issue you have with Finn. I don't know the inner workings of your relationship. I don't know if there's enough there to stop it from slowly growing apart. Maybe there is and maybe there isn't. But I do know that you shouldn't stay with him out of a sense of obligation."

"Sometimes I feel like I owe him cos I'm fat." Rae confessed and Phil saw a tear drip slowly from her eye.

"That makes no sense at all." Phil frowned sadly.

"He's so gorgeous and he lowered himself to be with me. I'm so lucky… I keep wondering if and when he'll realise." She lowered her eyes and Phil felt that pain in his heart that he always felt every time she hated herself like this.

"Please don't think that way Rae. You're so beautiful. He's the lucky one. Anyone who got to be with you is the lucky one."

"He got stabbed for me." Rae added.

"You still don't owe him forever Rae." Phil shook his head, "No matter what you've both been through, the only time you stay with a person is if they are the one you truly want to be with. Don't stay because you feel like you owe them something. Don't stay because they've been through stuff. And don't stay because you think you're not good enough, or because you think you have no other options. Rae, you've got options girl." Phil stroked her hair gently, "You are the most remarkable person I have ever met; you are always going to have many, many options." He said it pointedly, "If you're going to stay with Finn, do it for the right reasons not the wrong ones. You're not doing you or him any favours if you stay for the wrong reasons."

"I don't know if my reasons are the right ones or not." She told him, "I don't know if my reasons for being in this bed with you are right or wrong…"

"I can guarantee you they're mostly the wrong reasons." Phillip said, "Which is why I stopped."

"You didn't stop cos… Cos you didn't want me?"

"Rae I want you, don't worry about that. You are so beautiful and sexy. Physically you are perfect. Mentally you are perfect. You are literally a perfect human being." He said it forcefully and Rae felt his words bathe her skin like warm honey. "Rae I will make love to you the minute those reasons of yours are the right ones." He reassured her. "If you want me to… if you'll let me."

"If I let you…" She whispered, her face coming closer to his, the desire in his belly reigniting.

"If you let me." He repeated.

"You must think I'm stupid needing so much reassurance." She lowered her eyes.

"No, I think you're too used to thinking bad things about yourself." Phil told her, "I'd like you to stop doing that if you possibly can."

"I try Phil. I really do." She whispered the words to him, "But I can't always like myself. I've been hating myself for too long." Phil stroked her hair slowly. Rae's mind returned to Elsa, and then Olivia, Stacey… even Chloe and Izzy… all of them.

"I wish I could let you see yourself through everyone else's eyes. You'd see how brilliant you really are." Rae looked at his face for a moment.

"I'm so lucky I met you Phillip."

"I'm the lucky one." He told her with a sad smile.

"I hope you're in my life forever." She said honestly.

"I'll be around for as long as you let me be." He held out his arms for her and she nestled into them, "I promise." He kissed the top of her head and enjoyed the feeling of her wrapping an arm around his waist. "Let's get some sleep. We've got a competition to win tomorrow."

_'Black Hole Sun' by Soundgarden_

It was always hard seeing Liam, but today was particularly difficult. Chloe had come to help out with his walking rehab; he was clearly improving, but to Liam's eyes nothing was changing.

Afterwards they had settled into his hospital room and he had sat in the chair at the window, his hand tremoring slightly, but otherwise still and silent.

"You're doing so much better." Chloe said hopefully, but he said nothing. "I reckon in six months you'll be able to walk without the frame." She sat down and looked at him silently. "And your memory is definitely better."

"Sometimes I wish I was back in the blackness." He said softly. "There was a beautiful nothingness there. Here there's everything, but still nothing." He turned his eyes to her, "And I have to pretend that I give a fuck about anything you have to say." He looked back out the window. "Maybe if I had been trying to kill myself this would have had a much better outcome."

"Don't say stuff like that Liam."

"So tell what I should say, little girl." Liam asked bitterly.

"You should say 'I'm getting better all the time.'"

"My mother is dead." Liam aid emotionlessly, "The only person that ever cared about me, Eli, is being pressured from her mother to never talk to me again. You and Rae only show up outta guilt… I'm nothing to no one. I'd be better off dead."

"That's not true." Chloe answered as firmly as she could.

"Maybe to the likes of you princess… you can have that fairy tale ending. But for the rest of us…" He looked away, "If Rae were here, she'd understand."

"No she wouldn't."

"No, that's right, her pretty-boy's magical boner grants her the wish of happiness right?" Chloe took a deep breath and shook her head.

"No, she's been working hard on-"

"Being like everyone else." He shrugged, his co-ordination far better than it had been, "The old Rae was more real… she would have gotten me."

"The old Rae was deeply unhappy and depressed." Chloe said, catching onto an idea, "I think you're depressed too."

"You and Kester both." Liam sneered. There was a silence while Chloe desperately tried to figure out what to say. "I'd kill for a smoke." Liam muttered, "Or to feel the wind on me fucking face." He looked outside longingly.

"You'll get out when your rehab is finished." Chloe tried to soothe him, "It'll be done and dusted before you know it."

"You're shite at comforting people." He said with a scoff, "What you're saying to me is, 'you won't get the things you so desperately want until you've gone through months, possibly years of painful, frustrating and pointless rehab.'"

"It's not pointless, you're improving." Chloe said immutably.

"You'd be better off if I were dead, you wouldn't have these pathetic pity visits to drag yourself to. You could get on with your life."

"I come because you're my friend." Chloe tried to keep as positive as she could. But Liam was very hard work right now.

"I weren't your friend before this."

"You kinda were." Chloe told him, "You were just a shit friend." He gave her a look; her words had been unexpected. Everyone was being so careful to remain positive around him that hearing this was refreshing.

"Yeah I guess I was." He nodded, "Still am."

"Sometimes yeah." Chloe agreed. "But sometimes you are wonderful and funny and worth the effort of coming out to this depressing building."

"Sometimes." Liam said with a small grin, "I'll take that." He stared out the window wistfully and Chloe took another deep breath as an idea started to form in the back of her mind.

_'Cool as Kim Deal' by The Dandy Warhols_

When Phil opened his eyes at 5:15 her arm was draped over his waist, her fingertips under the elastic of his boxers, her fingertips just brushing the head of his erect cock. A scintillating thrill of excitement shot through his whole body and he closed his eyes to steady himself. He could hear her deep breathing; she was fast asleep. There was a part of him that wanted to move in such a way as to thrust more of his cock into her hand and he hated that part of himself. The better part of him won out easily, and he gently removed her hand from his boxers making her stir slightly. He turned to face her, but she was already deeply asleep again.

"I love you Rae." He told her sleeping form, "I love you deep in my soul… like the love I have for you is a part of me, like it was always there, a vital organ, it grew in me like all my other organs. It was always there from the moment I was alive, just waiting for you to give it… give me… Purpose." He stroked her hair gently but she didn't stir. Phil had a feeling that she was probably accustomed to having her hair stroked while she was asleep; he imagined Finn did it every time he woke up next to her. "I'll never not love you Rae." He shook his head, "I don't have it in me to stop loving you." He lowered his eyes and took a deep breath, "And I have to tell you all of this stuff tonight… and you will tell me…" He looked back up at her face. He didn't know what she would say to him. He knew she loved Finn. But now he knew that she also loved him. His mind travelled over all the things that had happened recently and fell to Tom's words about having a threesome, he smiled sadly, "Right now I'd take that gladly." He whispered, "A threesome relationship." He sighed, because he knew that the chances of he and Finn co-existing like that were slim to none. "I'll take you however I can get you Rachel Earl." He told her and he meant it.

She woke up half an hour later, Phil was still looking at her, his mood shifting from forlorn to elated like the tide kissing the shoreline. When she opened her eyes she gave him a small smile.

"'Morning." She whispered.

"'Morning." He replied and stroked her face. She sat up to look at the clock and yawned before settling back into the bed, lying on her side with her back to him, he took the hint and wrapped his arm around her waist, his hand finding the space where he singlet had pulled up slightly, spooning her with his entire body.

"How are you feeling about today?" She asked him.

"Nervous." He admitted.

"I wonder if there'll be any scouts." She sounded anxious and Phil let his thumb stroke the skin of her stomach gently to soothe her.

"Probably." He said honestly, "But all you need to worry about is doing exactly what you did yesterday." Rae nodded, "You don't want to be an actress anyway, so their presence means nothing to you." He soothed.

"But you wanna be an actor… I don't wanna mess up your chances." Phil gave a wry smile.

"You can't mess up my chances." He answered, "So try not to think about that; trust me, that's not an issue." They lay in silence for a few moments as she thought about that. "You're thinking about it aren't you?"

"Maybe." She answered with a cheeky grin.

"I will get into the school I want to, with or without your wonderful performance today. I promise." He told her.

"You've never broken a promise to me yet." Rae turned slightly to look at his face.

"And I never will." He said firmly, "Do you want to shower first, or shall I?"

"Me first!" She grinned and jumped up. Phil watched her head to the bathroom, his arms aching to hold her again.

Rae and Phillip had decided to eat breakfast up in the room, to avoid all the well-wishing and pep talking the other four actors would give them. They were focussed now, going over lines, running through the blocking; they were as ready as they could be.

When they headed down to the theatre, Rae's nerves were completely under control, and her hand was locked with Phil's as a sign of solidarity and support.

Before the competition began, the actors in the finals and their teachers, along with the judges, and any scouts present were having a kind of meet and greet. Rae really didn't want to be there, but it was part of the whole thing. Elsa greeted them at the door and took Rae's other hand with a supportive grin.

"Let's knock 'em dead." She whispered as the three of them, hands clasped when into the theatre foyer.

Almost instantly a man wondered over to them.

"Phillip Seymour and Rachel Earl." He said happily and held out a hand to Rae, "I'm Darren Hardcliff from the Oxford School of Drama." Rae took his hand with a confused look and he smiled winningly, "Have you considered what school you'll be going to next year Ms Earl?" Philip saw Rae nervously swallow and turned his eyes to Darren.

"Oxford School of Drama is a baby." Phillip chuckled, "Haven't even got a decade under your belt." Darren turned to Phillip.

"Well, I suppose for someone that already has positions in RADA and LAMDA, we might seem young, but we are producing extraordinary talent. We are babies with excellent connections. And we only take on 18 students a year." He grinned, "We're more exclusive than those other schools." Phillip rolled his eyes.

"I've also got a spot with you guys, you know." He said drolly.

"Oh I know." Darren said, "And Ms Earl here doesn't, which seems like a crime." Rae was staring at Phil.

"You've already been accepted into three drama schools?" She asked amazed.

"Eight." He replied with a slightly proud face that he immediately repressed, following it with a small shrug, "I've been working hard, doing a lot of competitions and community theatre, I get the best marks in our College…" He shrugged again.

"We all knew it would happen." Elsa grinned, "But congratulations nonetheless."

"Yes." Darren looked at Phil for a moment, "You are very gifted, as is your acting partner." His eyes returned to Rae.

"I was just gonna do writing." Rae answered simply, feeling like she was in way over her head.

"Of course." Darren nodded, "You're both gifted writers. But do consider acting; a talent like yours should be seen by the world. And do consider Oxford School of Drama." He took her hand and kissed the back of it. "I look forward to seeing you two win this." Elsa watched him go with a keen eye and turned back to her students.

"They don't normally have scouts at the breakfast mingle." She pulled a face, "Usually they come after the finals while the judges make their decision."

"Oxford is keen!" Phillip laughed.

"Is that Oxford as in… Oxford?" Rae asked stunned.

"No," Phillip shook his head, "The Oxford school of drama is independent." He told her with a grin, "But it still sounds good doesn't it?"

"Which one are you gonna go to?"

"I haven't decided yet." Phil said, "I told you that you couldn't mess up my chances." He grinned cheekily. Rae nodded feeling much better; even more pressure was off her shoulders now that she didn't have to worry about Phil in front of the scouts. Now it was just her versus her own desire to win.

_'This Charming Man' by The Smiths_

"Hey Mr Two Hats." Chop grinned as he walked into the office to see Danny packing up for the day.

"Hey Chop." Danny answered with a big grin, "How was it being back out on the floor?" Danny knew Chop had been bored to tears in the office and had been keen for weeks to get back to working on the cars; he really loved being a mechanic.

"It was a fucking dream Danny!" Chop grinned happily. "Got any plans tonight Danny boy?"

"My parents want me to play scrabble with them tonight." He looked content with that and Chop nodded.

"Sounds like you got it all sorted then." Chop grabbed a rag he kept in his bag and wiped the grease off his hands. "D'you give that girl a ring?"

"I did." Danny answered as he put the framed picture of a duck in his bag.

"Oh aye?" Chop encouraged Danny to talk more, a huge grin on his face. But Chop's smile faltered as Danny's brows furrowed and he frowned slightly. "How'd it go lad?"

"Alright." Danny turned back to his desk anxiously and it was Chop's turn to furrow his brows, a frown turning his lips down.

"Alright?" Chop started to take his work overalls off, his eyes not leaving Danny. "What happened?"

"We had a date." Danny answered as if talking about the weather and Chop's grin returned.

"A date hey?" He shoved his overalls in his bag and pulled his jeans out. "And what happened? Where'd you go?"

"Well she wanted to go to a restaurant and eat." Danny said slowly, "So we did."

"And?" Chop came and sat on Danny's desk and Danny looked up at him, his eyes looking confused.

"And… she kissed me." Danny looked down at his feet.

"That's good!" Chop clapped him on the back, "Why you so glum?"

"I dunno." Danny answered sadly.

"Was she a bad kisser?" Chop joked.

"No I quite liked the kiss." Danny said thoughtfully.

"Alright?" Chop asked confused.

"She wanted to…" Danny's brows furrowed and realisation came to Chop.

"She wanted to have sex?" Chop asked happily, "That's great!"

"I didn't wanna have sex." Danny said, that same confused, thoughtful look on his face.

"What?" Chop had not been expecting that. "Why?" His nose scrunched up in confusion. What kind of lad didn't want to have sex? Chop had seen the girl who had given Danny her number; she was quite a decent looking lass.

"I don't know." Danny answered. "I just… wasn't interested." Chop thought about this for a moment, deeply confused.

"Did she not like ducks?" He alighted upon an idea and instantly ran with it.

"She's got three pet ducks." Danny answered glumly. "She likes hugs." He continued, "She was fine to just hug when I asked." Chop watched him fidget with his bag and tried to get his head around what Danny was saying to him. "She seems perfect but I just didn't want to."

"Have you never had sex before?"

"No." Danny answered.

"Well maybe you was just nervous?"

"Maybe." Danny considered this.

"Are you seeing her again?" Chop was delighted when Danny nodded his head, "Well maybe next time then?" Danny raised his brows hopefully.

"Maybe." He grinned more happily and Chop patted him on the back again.

"Don't worry mate. Things take time."

_'The Power of Love' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood_

The seven of them sat in the hotel restaurant, drinking tea and awaiting news of the results from the finals. Rae had been handed dozens of cards from scouts after their performance. Phil of course had gotten even more, he was attractive and had incredible stage presence. Rae had also seen him refuse phone numbers from several girls. She had seen him with Andrea; it wasn't like he didn't take up some of those offers. But it was like he was here with her; they both felt it. Rae looked on as he rejected them politely, with a kind smile and his eyes always turning to her, a hunger in them, that she was surprised to discover, she welcomed.

She had her hand on Phil's thigh under the table. They both understood that it wasn't a sexual thing; she was anxious, she squeezed his thigh with nerves, and when she did, he would put his hand over hers and comfort her silently. Elsa seemed at ease, listening to the other four laughing, joking, and occasionally commenting on how long the judges were taking, how good Rae and Phil had been or how much fun they'd had. Rae and Phil though, barely spoke. Phil would sometimes say a few soft, gentle words to Rae, to see if she wanted more tea, or to ask how she was holding up.

Rae wasn't just nervous about the results, she also knew what was coming up after this. She didn't know how he was going to get them away from Elsa, who had been in charge of where they ate, but she knew the dinner was coming, and she knew he was going to tell her that he loved her. And she really didn't know how she felt about that. She found that she didn't want him to say it; because then she'd have to give him an answer. She found that she didn't want to be pushed to give an answer. She found that a large part of her didn't want this moment between them to end.

It was another 30 minutes before they were all called back into the theatre to announce the winners. All of the performers waited backstage, Rae squeezing Phil's hand painfully tight.

Third place was announced, Rae's heart dropped when it wasn't them; that meant it was second, first or nothing. She didn't know if she could handle nothing.

Second place was announced and Rae looked glumly at Phil, but he grinned.

"We won it." He told her with a nod.

"I dunno." Rae grimaced. There was a short speech given about the history of the competition and mention of some people who had been involved with it in the past who were now famous.

"They'll be adding me to that list." Phil said with a cheeky grin.

"Fucking cocky bastard." Rae chuckled.

"Not really." He shook his head, "It's three quarters fake bravado and one quarter determination to fucking make it."

"If anyone I know can make it in this industry Phil, it's you." She told him as the speech continued. "Promise me you'll take me to the BAFTAs one day?"

"If I get ever get nominated." He nodded, "I'll take you. I'll take you at least once to all the awards ceremonies, yeah?"

"Alright." Rae grinned, "oh fuck what am I gonna wear?" They laughed as quietly as they could before getting a glare from some of the other actors made them shut up.

"We a proud to announce the winner of-"

"Here it is." Rae whispered and Phil watched her face, wanting to see it when they inevitably said her name. Only moments later her face was lighting up in surprise and exuberant happiness: they had won. Phil took in every moment of her face as it lit up as she flung her arms around his neck and before he knew what was happening her lips were on his. It was intended as a friendly kiss of congratulations, but almost as instantly as their lips met everything else froze and his lips parted slightly to take in her taste. They both froze, slowly pulling away, their eyes staying on each other as they heard the audience cheering and knew they had to go and get their awards. Phil swallowed and took a deep breath.

"Better go." His voice was husky and he made himself lower his eyes before they shot back up to her face; she had taken his hand.

"C'mon then." She grinned.

Going onto the stage was wonderful, Rae had never before had such an uncomplicated relationship with a stage and an audience before. Everyone was clapping and she was receiving a trophy and certificate and a cheque for £100.

And that was that. They were off the stage, waiting backstage while the final announcements were made about the next competition and thanks were given. They stood closer together than necessary, Phil's eyes never leaving her delighted face. But Rae was reading her certificate.

"How did you know we'd win?"

"I've been to enough of these things to get a feel for things like that." He grinned and watched her looking at her trophy. She looked up at him with a huge smile that made his heart stop beating: he was so in love with her. Painfully, irrevocably and wholeheartedly in love with her.

They were all ushered into the foyer where the other four actors from Stamford threw their arms around them, Elsa even gave them both a happy hug.

"Let's grab a congratulatory drink." Elsa grinned leading them back towards the hotel. But she turned to Phil and Rae suddenly, "You know what, you two have worked so hard, and Rae still has to prepare for the comedy duologues…" She mused, "Perhaps you two, or at least just Rae, should have an easy night, and celebrate when you get back to Stamford." She looked at Rae and Rae nodded in reply, "Great." Elsa said, "So we," She turned back to Izzy, Sam, Candace and Josh, "Are going to celebrate late into the night. "You coming Phil?"

"Nah I'm buggered. Changing the script and remembering it all…" He shook his head, "I might turn in early."

"We'll have a party for you guys in class on Tuesday." Elsa grinned, "As for us, you won't be seeing us until midnight." Rae could have sworn Elsa was giving them a meaningful look. But she had turned and ushered the others off, Izzy looked over her shoulder at Rae, giving her a huge grin as Elsa said they were going somewhere other than that awful hotel restaurant for dinner.

Rae turned to Phil and saw that all of his confidence had disappeared, his eyes followed Elsa for a moment. Phil had realised that Finn had somehow managed to get Elsa to agree to let them have this dinner.

"We should drop off our awards at the hotel and get some dinner before we head to bed… I mean.., before we…" His eyes dropped to her lips before he looked away.

"I know." She said softly, meaningfully; she knew what was coming, "I know what you meant." She added to ease his nerves, and her own.

They walked the short distance back to the hotel in silence and took their awards up to the room they had shared the night before.

Rae closed the door behind them and leaned on it, handing her things to Phil who dropped them onto his bed before turning to her.

"Where do you wanna eat?" Rae asked softly.

"I got somewhere in mind." The way she nodded her head told Phil that she knew what was coming.

_'At Last' by Etta James_

Finn plonked down on his bed and kicked his shoes off. He was utterly miserable. Having no Rae since Sunday was awful. No Rae to hold, to talk to, to kiss. His unending love for her was painfully apparent as he laid down in the bed alone. He was seeing her tomorrow, but tonight Phillip was seducing her. If he was smart, he'd been seducing her for the past few days. But if he was a decent a man as Finn thought he was, nothing would have truly happened yet, perhaps a few close encounters, perhaps a kiss, perhaps they had slept next to each other, perhaps things had gone a little further. But Finn knew it was tonight that everything would happen. Phillip and Rae would most likely make love tonight. Finn breathed out slowly, his inside squirming at the thought, jealousy nipping at his heels slightly, but his brain understanding logically that Rae's needs and happiness came first because he loved her. He started to think about what Kester had said, about perhaps Finn needed to come equal first. How did he fit that in with his feelings about this whole thing?

How did he feel?

Rae was the love of his life. He knew they were forever. He knew they were soul mates. He knew that no matter what happened they'd always come back together. He was as sure of this as he was of the sun rising and setting every day. He knew that Rae felt the same way, so anything that happened with Phil, no matter how worthy he was, was essentially meaningless to their love in the grand scheme of things.

But there was a part of him that didn't want anyone else to share that level of intimacy with her. He wanted her to have whatever she needed, but he wanted some things to be just them, for it to be special. Logically he knew that their love was just them, that this is what made them special, and that no kind of physicality could ever touch this otherworldly love they shared. Finn smiled; understanding this brought him a kind of peace. Their love was their special thing that no one else could share or touch. And that was where he was putting himself first; selfishly, greedily, grasping, first. He needed her like he needed oxygen; giving her everything she needed was an extremely selfish act of self-preservation, because without her he was miserable. He laughed to himself when he realised that even loving selflessly was extremely selfish.

When he'd been younger, Rhys had taught him that all living things had a strong survival instinct, and that it made them selfish, that being selfish was not always a bad thing, if it meant looking after yourself. Having a happy Rae was looking after himself; he smiled when she smiled. He hurt when she hurt. Loving her selflessly, putting her first, giving her everything she needed to bring her happiness; this was his survival instinct, his tactic for maintaining his own happiness. He couldn't wait to share this thought with Rae, he could imagine all the clever and insightful things she'd say. He saw them lying naked together talking about this strange journey they were going on together. Feeling the untrodden path before them together, working it all out hand in hand. They were meant to be. He didn't doubt it for a second.

He just wasn't sure how much of a hurdle Phillip was going to be.

Finn's convoluted contemplation was broken by the sound of an Etta James record being played. That was his mum's taste. He was beginning to miss the Led Zeppelin and Frank Zappa his dad always played, because when his mum's music played…

And there it was: a groan. Finn grimaced. He supposed he should be glad that his parents went at it like rabbits, but he was so used to not having to deal with this shit that it inevitably put him in a bad mood.

She still hadn't said anything about why she'd been away for eight years.

Finn was beginning to understand his father better. He'd wait for Rae, however long it took. And he understood why his father didn't ask about the eight years. Finn wouldn't ask Rae either; he'd let her tell him in her own time. But he'd remind her of their commitment to communication too. He had a feeling that his parents had no such commitment. He had a feeling that his parent's communication was as bad as ever.

And regardless of his father's apparent disinterest in the reasoning behind Kenzie's eight year disappearance, Finn did care, and he wanted to know. He understood why she had gone, he even thought she was brave and strong for going. But why for so long? Why the eight years?

He heard a rhythmic banging from the other room and realised how annoying it was to listen to your flatmate fucking. His father had basically been Finn's flatmate all these years, albeit one that paid for everything, and occasionally tried to set rules.

Finn put on some music and settled back onto the bed thinking about Rae. He ached for her. He could barely contain his excitement over seeing her tomorrow. He hoped that she hadn't been thinking about him; that Phil had done the favour Finn had asked him to do. He knew that he was always in the back of her mind, he knew that her brain would be working over the Elsa issue, he just hoped she'd managed to keep it all at the back of her mind. If she had kept him and the Elsa issue in the back of her mind and hadn't ruminated over it too much, and Phil did what Finn thought he'd do, then Finn knew exactly what to expect tomorrow.

If not, then anything could have happened, and tomorrow could go very unexpectedly.

_'I Only Have Eyes For You' by The Flamingos_

"That's my first trophy, you know." Rae said, "I may have gotten some when I was really young. But none that I remember…" She pulled a face, "They don't count if you don't remember them." Phillip walked over to her, still leaning on the back of the hotel door.

"Congratulations on your first trophy."

"You must have so many this one means nothing to you."

"This one's the most important." He countered, "Because I won it with you."

"You've done a lot of things with me." Her voice almost faltered as his hand went to her face, the intent in his eyes clear.

"Not nearly enough." He breathed, his eyes searching her face for a hint of that vulnerability, that unsureness. He saw her nerves, but none of her previous reticence.

Rae felt his body close to hers, his pelvis tilting into hers, as his lips gently pressed against hers. Her breath caught in her throat. She had never been kissed like this before; his sweet longing, finally being released in a long slow, sensual, burning kiss. She had been kissed with this much love, this much adoration before; she knew what that felt like. But never with this much yearning, she could almost feel Phillip's physical ache for her in the way his mouth moved against hers, so slowly, as if committing every detail to memory, as if this was the most important moment of his life. When Phil kissed her, he kissed her with everything he was; she felt it all, he left nothing hidden from her.

When their lips came apart, their foreheads still touching, both panting slightly, clinging to each other, Rae felt stunned.

"Holy… fucking… hell…" She could barely speak. Everything else faded from her mind when she felt his lips press against hers again, her body responded to his as they both simultaneously sought to be closer still. Phil felt Rae's hand on his back holding him to her and had a wonderful preview of a future he dearly hoped would come to be. He pressed his hands to her lower back and she responded, tilting her pelvis into him. He had told her that when he kissed her she would feel. And he had been right. She felt everything he had been feeling since the day they had met. But there was something else she felt. Something that both did and didn't surprise her.

"Phil." She sighed his name between his deep kisses, the realisation of her feelings for him coursing through her body. She had to accept that Finn had been right; she did have feelings for Phillip. Much deeper feelings than she had first thought. Finn had been so right.

"Rae." She was disappointed when he stopped kissing her, but the way he looked into her eyes made her almost as breathless as his kisses.

Rae's stomach grumbled and they both laughed, their eyes never leaving each other's.

"You hungry?" He asked with a wry grin.

"Most definitely." The look in her eyes sent tingles through Phillip's body.

"Food first?" He asked and she nodded her head, her eyes looking him up and down hungrily. "Come on." He took her hand and they headed out of the room. Rae felt an odd mix of regret and relief when the door closed behind them. She knew that had they stayed in that room they'd have ended up making love without another word. She was ready for him. Finn had told her that he wasn't going to ask her what happened, and she wanted Phillip. She wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by someone else. She had never believed she could be loved by one man, and here was another one that loved her equally as much as the first did. She wanted to know what it felt like. She wanted to know the differences and similarities. She had been unsure before, but now she was sure she wanted Phil. She didn't know what that meant for her and Finn; she knew they could continue on after this, Finn had told her as much. But she was so confused about her feelings right now and she knew that Finn had feelings for other people too. Like Elsa. She didn't understand what it all meant. She only knew that she wanted Phillip and he was leading her to a restaurant right now, when she wanted him to lead her to a bed.

She thought of the way Izzy had asked if she was a slut when she had wanted to explore things.

She thought about how many people had told her she was so young and she should be out exploring things.

She thought about a million different conflicting things as he led her down the hallway of the hotel towards the lift.

The moment the lift doors closed his lips were on hers again and she felt herself pushing him into the wall, pulling at his shirt. But then the surprise of the lift going up made her pause, she looked at the control panel of the lift and saw the top floor light lit up. Phil's eyes never left her face, his hand stroking her hair while she tried to figure it out.

"Why are we going up?" She asked.

"I'm taking you to dinner." He told her and she turned her eyes to him.

"But there's no restaurant up here is there?"

"No." Phil agreed, "But you're the kind of girl that likes to eat in." He said as the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. Rae gave him a quizzical look. She couldn't fault his logic, she still didn't feel that comfortable eating in front of people and the idea of eating at a restaurant was sometimes terrifying. Phil fished a key from his pocket and opened up a door at the end of the corridor. A huge room with a king sized bed greeted them. But on the floor near the huge windows that overlooked the town was a blanket spread out, cushions of all sizes scattered atop and dozens of candles surrounding it. She could see the sun setting through the windows and her mouth opened in surprise as she took it all in.

"I thought this might be fitting." He looked at her face and grinned, he had gotten it right; she looked pleased, "I wanted to set it up myself." Phil lamented, "But I wanted to spend time with you more. So I asked the staff here to help me out."

"An indoor picnic." Rae grinned and turned to him, "It's perfect."

_'I think I Love You' by Voice of the Beehive_

Izzy rolled her eyes and took a deep breath before grinning at Sam who was watching Candace and Josh with a disgusted face.

They were making out, Candace's legs wrapped around Josh's waist.

"We should go in the other room." Sam muttered but Izzy shook her head.

"We'll wake up Rae and Phil. And Rae's still got another-"

"No we won't." Sam grinned slightly; he clearly had a secret that he wanted to divulge.

"What are you hiding Sam?" Izzy narrowed her eyes.

"I saw Phil booking another room for tonight." Sam said and Izzy furrowed her brows.

"So?"

"So I reckon he and Rae are gonna finally fuck." Sam shrugged.

"Just cos he got a room, don't mean Rae's there with him."

"It's got a king sized bed." Sam said, but Izzy shook her head. "Alright then, come to the other room." He took the key Phil had left on the side and Izzy's jaw dropped slightly; if Phil had left the key here it was more likely that no one was in the other room. Sam took her by the hand and they snuck past Elsa's room to the other room.

Izzy's heart dropped when she saw that it was empty. But then she saw that their bags were still here, as were their trophies.

"They're coming back." She said as she picked up Rae's trophy.

"Yeah in the morning before Elsa finds out." Sam grinned. He looked over at the middle bed and sat down. "Seems like everyone's getting some except for us." He cocked an eyebrow and Izzy gave him an unimpressed look.

"I'm engaged Sam!" Nonetheless she sat down on the bed beside him. "Besides, don't you like Candace?"

"I like lots o' girls." Sam shrugged, "Bryn's got a thing for you."

"No he doesn't." Izzy looked scandalised and shook her head.

"Yeah he does!" Sam laughed.

"Doesn't he have a thing for Chlo?"

"Everyone's got a fucking thing for Chlo. Girls wanna be her. Boys wanna do her."

"Sam!" Izzy hit his arm.

"What?" He feigned innocence. "Anyway," Sam said slowly, "Bryn says it's a crime that a girl as young and beautiful as you is engaged." Izzy furrowed her brows, "You know, maybe you should be free and trying things out…"

"It wouldn't be you Sam, even if I were gonna try things out." Izzy said firmly.

"Why not? You made out with Peter." Sam looked at her expectantly. "You clearly got a bit of a wild girl in you." He brushed his hand across the back of her hand and Izzy looked down at where he had touched her.

"I suppose I do." She said softly. She'd often felt like she wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else. Chop had been her only lover, and he would continue to be her only lover because they were going to get married. She loved Chop, but she wasn't sure she wanted to die having only slept with one man. She knew that that kind of thing was supposed to be the ideal, but she just didn't feel it in her bones. She knew that girls were supposed to only have sex with the man they married. She has fantasised about it as a little girl. About the magical, mystical 'one.' But as she had gotten older, she'd realised what bollocks that was as her best two friends were put through the wringer by love and boys. She'd gotten off lightly in that regard; her only man, Chop, was a decent man. But she was curious. And she supposed she'd have to talk to Chop about that sometime soon. She was in no mood for waiting around anymore; she was going to get everything she wanted out of this life. A life she suspected would be cut short. But Sam, was not one of the things she wanted.

"So let's fuck." He said with a grin, "I've always had a thing for you and-"

"Not gonna happen Sam." Izzy said with a shrug. "I'm sorry."

"Why not?" He looked almost devastated and Izzy felt a pang of sympathy for him.

"Engaged," she held up her ring finger, "remember?"

"Well," Sam looked confused, "We'll just make out then." He grinned cheekily, "What happens at drama camp, stays at drama camp."

"Sam!"

"It's not like Rae's gonna go running to tell Finn what her and Phil have been up to." Sam said with a smug grin. "No one's gonna know…"

"Sam, you're useless at keeping secrets." Izzy told him, "So everyone would know." Izzy shook her head, "And Rae and Phil aren't doing anything." Izzy tried to convince herself, but she had noticed how they had been looking at each other these past few days. She didn't want the gang to break apart, and it just occurred to her how terrible an idea it was to have all her closest friends going out with each other. If something happened between two of them, the gang would break up.

"Who cares what they're doing, we could be doing something!" Sam insisted and put his hand on Izzy's lower back. She stood up and turned to him.

"I'm not interested in you that way Sam." Izzy told him. "And you're not interested in me that way!"

"I just told you that I am!" He stood up and Izzy suddenly noticed that he was between her and the door.

"Well too bad. Go ask Candace if she wants a threesome." Izzy folded her arms over her chest and eyed the door longingly. Sam looked at her forlornly for a moment and lowered his eyes.

"Are you really gonna be with that guy forever Izzy?" Sam asked, keeping his eyes on his toes.

"Probably." Izzy answered honestly.

"But after… you know, the chemo and stuff… you seemed more daring and…" He paused and looked up at her, "You don't seem like the kind of girl that wants to get tied down. Not anymore."

"Are you really using my cancer to try and get in me pants, Sam?"

"No that's not what I meant." He said hurriedly, "Like, regardless of tonight… I don't think you're the marrying type Izzy. Are you?" Izzy pulled a face at him and looked back to the door.

"I don't really wanna go back in there with them two shagging." Izzy said softly, "Are you gonna behave yourself?" She asked him sternly.

"You didn't answer me question." He said astutely.

"Because I don't owe you an answer or an explanation or justification of me life choices Sam." Izzy snapped.

"So I'm right." He nodded and smiled grimly before sitting back down on the bed. He looked up at her and Izzy was struck by the expression on his face, one of grim determination, patience and desire.

"It don't matter if you're right or wrong Sam, it's none of your business."

"Alright." He shrugged. "So we're not gonna…?"

"No, we're not."

"Alright." He shrugged again and started to undress. Izzy averted her eyes and looked at the door again; he wasn't standing in front of it anymore, but she really had nowhere else to go. Candace and Josh were at it in the other room. She sighed and sat down on the bed closest to the door, taking Phil's things off it.

"I'm going to sleep." She said and got into the bed without taking her clothes off.

"Alright beautiful." Sam gave her a cheeky grin and settled down, in his underwear, in the middle bed.

"Less of that thank you!" Izzy answered unimpressed.

"Just telling the truth Isabella."

"Have you been on the fucking booze or something?" She shook her head and looked up at the ceiling.

"Nope." Sam laid on his back and put his hands behind his head, "But when I told Bryn you was taken, he just shrugged and said 'nothing lasts forever.'" Sam looked over at her, "And that gives me courage that all the bad things in life will pass me by eventually… and that with patience, I might be able to get some of the good things." He grinned gently and turned onto his side with his back to her.

"I'm not a thing Sam." She turned her back on him and settled down to sleep.

"Who said I were talking about you girl?" He asked with a grin that translated into his voice. Izzy furrowed her brows.

"You know Sam, you're making it very hard to like you."

"Shut up Iz, I'm trying to go to sleep." Izzy turned to him in annoyance. The sun hadn't even fully set yet; they'd all come back to the rooms early because Josh had feigned illness, and Elsa was feeling genuinely unwell. Sam and Izzy both knew that they weren't going to sleep yet; they just wanted to get away from the action in the other room.

"Can I put the tv on?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah." He grinned at her, "I'm not even close to tired." He chuckled. She got out of the bed and turned the tv on, plumping up the pillows in her own bed before settling into a night of watching mindless tv; her mind wondering over all the things Sam had said.

_'When I Fall In Love' by Nat King Cole_

Rae sat down and Phillip went to the phone and called down to the front desk. She tried not to listen, but there was no doubt that he was paying quite well to get the food sent up immediately; someone had to go to a shop of some sort to get it.

"It's ok Phil." She grinned at him when he sat down with an apologetic look, "I can wait for food you know."

"Oh I know." He said shaking his head.

"Then why the apologetic look?"

"I don't like-" He stopped himself, but there was no dancing around the topic, "I don't like throwing my money around. Makes me feel like a rich wanker, you know?"

"How much money do you have?" Rae asked and he blushed slightly, lowering his eyes.

"I don't know how much my parents-"

"I mean you Phil, not them." She watched him take a deep breath, "I'm being too nosy, I'm sorry." She shook her head, "You don't have to tell me."

"I have enough money saved up to pay for university." Phillip said with a nod.

"That's bloody good!" Rae said with a grin, "A lot better than me." She grimaced.

"And…" He lowered his eyes, "And I have a trust find."

"What's that?" She thought it must be something terrible by the way he was acting.

"My father put a sum of money away for me," he answered, "so that when I come of age, I will get… a very large lump sum of money."

"Why are you so upset about that?" Rae furrowed her brows confused.

"As has been pointed out to me," Phil said, thinking about Finn, "I did nothing to earn that money." He gave her a wan smile, "it's a bit embarrassing really."

"Don't be daft," Rae told him, "if I had to put up with your family I'd feel like it'd earned a million quid." Rae nodded with a grin and Phil felt himself grinning in reply.

"Well, it's as bit more than that." He mumbled quietly.

"Are you fucking serious?" She asked him and he nodded slowly. "Well if I ever get into trouble, I know where I'm going!" She laughed.

"Anything you need, until the day I die." He told her. They shared a look for a moment, the reality of this situation starting to sit on Rae's chest. This was the moment where she was supposed to choose between Finn and Phil. She had thought the decision would be so easy, but right now all she wanted was to not have to make the decision.

She wanted them both.

At first she had thought she just wanted Phil for his friendship, but now she knew if she could get away with it, she'd like to go out with both lads.

But that wasn't fair on either one of them and she felt like an awful selfish brat for even thinking about it.

But the feeling wouldn't leave her. She was deeply in love with Finn; he would always be her number one. But she loved Phil too, and she didn't want to lose what they had here. She wanted both of them.

More than ever, she wished she was like Elsa. Elsa would just fearlessly lay down the law and tell them how it was. She wouldn't feel like a bad person for wanting what she wanted, for needing to be adored by so many beautiful men. She'd just be who she was and tell everyone else it was their choice how to deal with that.

But Rae knew she couldn't do that. She wasn't Elsa, and she really did need to choose. For so many reasons. But the choice was already made, it had been made long ago.

So she settled back, and decided to enjoy this uncomplicated moment of love with Phil, before everything had to change between them.

"Anything?" Rae teased with a sad smile that she made herself turn into a real smile, "What about when my inevitable mismanaging of my income leads me to being a street bum?"

"You can come live with me." Phil grinned.

"I won't pay board for the spare bed." She grinned.

"I'm sure we can come to an arrangement." Phil said with a devious grin. Rae laughed at his joke and Phil shook his head, "You know, I'd never do that, right?"

"I dunno Phil, maybe when I'm a street bum I'm ok with that kind of thing."

"Ah well then, if you're alright with it, who am I to judge?" There was a knock on the door and Phil got up to get it. Rae took in the bright colours of the sunset for a moment; it was just on its last legs before it would be over and she wanted to take it in; it was such a glorious view from here.

"It's beautiful." She mumbled when he sat down beside her with the food.

"Yeah." He agreed and handed her a wrapped paper bag. It was a bag of chips in newspaper. Her mouth opened in surprise as he produced the plates and white bread and butter.

"Chip butties?" She asked incredulously.

"Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Aye it's fucking perfect!" She laughed, "My all-time favourite sandwich." She unwrapped the chips, "I haven't had 'em since I were a little girl." She shook her head, feeling oddly choked up, she looked up at him, "How did you know?"

"Just seemed like a Rae kind of thing." She smiled gratefully, lovingly, at this beautiful man and grabbed the bread and butter.

"I was gonna do the buttering." He grinned and Rae handed them back to him to let him do it. She picked up a chip and ate it, enjoying the way he looked at her when she ate. He handed her a piece of buttered bread and she put the softest fattest chips on one half of the bread before folding it over. She noticed he hadn't handed her a second piece of bread; he'd even guessed how she had chip sandwiches.

"How is it that you know me so well?" She asked taking a big bite of her sandwich.

"I pay attention." He shrugged, "I don't think it's that hard, but from what I've seen of just about every other male on the planet," Except Finn, he thought to himself, "It is." He shrugged, "maybe it's just you. You bring out the best in people."

"That's one of the nicest things anyone's said to me." Rae heard another knock on the door and Phil got up again.

"Just telling the truth… especially with me. You bring out the best in me." He went to the door before she had chance to reply and Rae turned to watch him. A waiter from the restaurant brought up two snakebites and Rae chuckled.

"I've never seen you drink beer before Phil."

"There's a first time for everything." He said as he gave the lady a tip and closed the door. He handed her a drink and sat down again, looking out at the growing dusk.

"That there is Phil." Rae looked at Phil thoughtfully. "So what have you got planned for us tonight?"

"Well, after our high-end meal," Phil joked. "I thought we could talk and just enjoy each other's company." Phil thought about this for a moment and added, "and celebrate our resounding victory of course!" Rae grinned happily; winning the competition had been one of the best moments in life, it gave her such a sense of accomplishment to have written, directed and performed in a winning duologue.

"We make an excellent partnership, don't we Phil?" Rae took another piece of bread from Phil and shared a lingering look with him before looking away. "We should work together more often."

"You know I'd really love that." There was another lingering glance, and Rae began to wonder if she was going to make it through this whole dinner. Philip was a remarkably attractive young man and Rae was nervous about what was to come, but eager to taste his lips again. She knew that Finn had gifted them this one chance to explore what might have been, to explore what could be, to explore what was best for them. It was an extraordinarily unselfish act and Rae was deeply grateful. The more she thought about what Finn was doing for her tonight, the less bad she felt about the situation with Elsa. It wasn't that she got to taste her candle the way Finn had tasted his, it was that she was humbled by his unselfishness and felt she had much to learn in that regard.

The conversation flowed easily between her and Phil, they were well suited to each other intellectually and although he didn't always get her humour, they laughed together like long-time friends, almost like long-time lovers. Rae was always good at banging on but with Phil she found a man who was just as good at banging on as her. And she really enjoyed that. She loved that Finn was quiet and kind and that he put so much effort into talking for her, but there was something so appealing about a lad who can communicate so well, so freely, so easily. There was an honesty in every word he said, and she felt more deeply connected with him with every passing hour. But she also grew more anxious as time passed, awaiting the declaration that she knew would come.

They drank snakebites, they talked, laughed, celebrated, and got quite tipsy, while they thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.

For Phil having the chance to talk to Rae like this, uninterrupted, for so long, was a dream come true. What he had to say to her, sat in the pit of his stomach like a leaden stone and fell at his chest was filled a flock of red-billed queleas. The best bit was, he knew if he told her that, she'd get it. Phil knew that once they talked about his love for her, everything would change, but he was so enjoying everything as it was now. So he continued to delay telling her how deeply in love he was with her.

They were sat so close to each other, and the conversation was filled with gentle touches, lingering glances, and increasingly obvious sexual chemistry. When Phil leaned in and kissed Ray's lips, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Rae had never thought it would feel natural to kiss anyone, there was a time when she had thought no one would ever kiss her. To find the Phil's kisses were as natural to her as Finn's, and almost as welcome, was a revelation. The way he stroked her face, the way his fingers tangled in her; it was instantly recognisable. These were clearly the actions of a young man in love. Rae's continued low self-esteem was utterly baffled by the way Phil touched her. She had thought it was an anomaly, a miracle that Finn had wanted her, that he loved her somehow. Finn was quite literally her ideal; he was truly perfect to her. But here was Phil, who was damn near perfect, and he loved her just as much as Finn did.

How was something like this even possible?

How could two attractive, intelligent, kind and wholly remarkable young men be totally and irreversibly in love with her?

Rae's long held beliefs about herself were taking a much-needed battering. She had always hated herself. She had always seen herself as unlovable. She had always seen herself as lesser, as unworthy, as almost nothing.

All of this was obviously quite untrue.

She knew from the time with Kester, that she shouldn't base her self-esteem off what others thought of her, but there was something so deliriously uplifting about having the love of two such incredible human beings.

What had she done to deserve it?

But her thoughts were easily driven from her mind by the feel of Phil's body as he moved closer, his kisses growing deeper and more passionate. Rae was surprised by how eagerly she returned the kisses, by how ready her body was to receive him. She allowed herself to slowly lay back on the blanket and Phil, clearly surprised by her action, still managed to follow her smoothly, lying beside her, but leaning over her, his lips, never leaving hers.

After a long time kissing her lips tenderly but deeply and slowly, Phil paused to look lovingly into her eyes.

"Can I touch your body Rae? Properly?" He whispered achingly, his words caressing her ears warmly. Rae knew that this was the time when she should probably tell him to start talking, but instead she felt her head nodding. She decided to tell herself that it was the alcohol that made her so brazen, but she knew it wasn't, the alcohol might loosen her up, but she had wanted this long before she was tipsy. The small smile that caressed the corners of Phil's mouth told Rae that Phil had not been expecting her to say yes again. His hand slowly chased down her face, his thumb lingering on her lips, before his fingertips on her neck sent a shiver of delight down her spine. Phil again began to kiss Rae, his lips gently grazing hers several times before he quite suddenly plunged into a deep, deep kiss. Rae felt utterly breathless and completely transfixed by his lips, she barely noticed the feel of his hand gently unbuttoning her shirt, but she felt the groan in the back of his throat as his fingertips touched the bare skin of her stomach. The way Phil kissed her felt as though he would actually devour her, and Rae couldn't focus on anything other than the feel of his tongue. It wasn't until his fingers gently slipped over her clitoris, that Rae became fully aware of what she had agreed to. But before she had chance to even comprehend this, pleasure was rocketing through her body. She felt his fingers inside of her, felt them expertly finding everyplace that elicited a groan from her lips. She felt the way his thumb gently circled her clitoris, slowly, languorously, while his fingers were making her come undone; he was in no hurry, as if he had all night to do this, as if his fingers were strong enough to do it forever.

But he didn't need forever, all too quickly, Rae felt that rush from her centre, that heat spreading throughout her body. Phil's face lit up in delight as her body shook with orgasm; he had not expected her to come so easily. The way she gasped, the way her mouth opened, the way her body moved, her wetness, her scent, her taste; Phil was amazed and transfixed by her perfection. He had never hoped to see her like this, and the privilege was not lost on him. He took it in, committing it to that memory of his in minute, and intimate detail.

Rae gasped as Phil began to kiss her neck, positioning himself so his other hand could gently cup her breast, his fingers caressing her nipple under her bra. Phil kept his hand in Rae's pants. His fingers sweetly and insistently seeking new places inside of her that would bring her pleasure. Rae was surprised to feel herself rushing towards a second orgasm and she groaned louder, her hands clasping Phil's arm, her back arching beautifully as her head rolled back in pleasure. As the warm afterglow of orgasm settled into Rae's body, she looked up at Phil's face and saw his expression of utter amazement. She was jolted by not seeing Finn looking down at her lovingly. Something inside of her churned, as she realised that not only did Phil love her as much as Finn did, she loved Phil far more than she had realised.

"You look at me like everything I do is the most amazing thing you've ever seen and like… like you're committing it all to memory."

"It is," Phil murmured as he started to kiss her neck, "and I am."

"I'm not that amazing Phil." Rae tried to not let her head roll back, but his kisses could only be described as sweet ecstasy and she felt her body bending to his every desire.

"Yes. You are." His mouth travelled slowly down her neck to her chest and Rae moaned as he gently slipped her shirt and bra off.

"I thought we were supposed to be talking to Phil." Rae made herself say it, even though his mouth was on her breasts and she didn't want him to stop.

"Yes." Phil gazed at her with trepidation, "I suppose Finn told you what we're supposed to be talking about?"

"He did." Rae said reluctantly, "I know what you're going to say."

"Do we even need to have this talk?" Phil pulled his hand out of her pants, "we both know what we're both going to say." Rae watched Phil taste her on his fingertips and felt a soft groan in the back of her throat; she knew he'd be good at going down. "We both know how it's gonna end. And if we do have this conversation… we lose what we've got now."

"Phil…" Rae didn't know what to say to him because even though she knew they should talk. There was a big part of her that agreed with him.

"I just want to make love to you tonight because I know that's all I'll get." He said the words softly, so softly that Rae could almost feel the pain behind them.

"Phil, I don't know what to say to you." Rae felt tears stinging at her eyes.

"It's fine Rae, I have learnt, far too well, that you don't get to choose who you have feelings for." He stroked her face soothingly, "you don't owe me anything just because…" Phil stopped himself from saying it. This was not how he wanted to tell her he loved her. "You're right, we do have a lot to talk about." He conceded sadly, "I do so hope that we will make love tonight regardless of this conversation?" Rae didn't know how she felt. She didn't know if she could or should make love with Phil. She knew part of her wanted to, but now that it came to it, she was so unsure.

"I dunno if…" She answered slowly

"Then," Phil's voice was sad beyond anything Rae had heard from him before. "It needs to not happen." He was still holding her. Their bodies were still so close, but Phil felt the distance between them acutely.

"I said I didn't know." Rae said suddenly, "I didn't say that I wouldn't make up my mind." Rae felt a sudden surge of annoyance. "You and Finn both have an annoying habit of making my mind up for me!" Rae thought back to Finn bring the brakes on sexual exploration because he thought that was best for her and her annoyance grew. "Like this whole fucking dinner thing…"

"I'm sorry." Phil felt her body shaking with annoyance, desire, fear and indecision. He didn't know what to do or say to make her feel better. "Finn just wanted to give you what you wanted. And he asked me to help, so I did. Of course I did; it's you."

"I understand that." Rae fell Phil gently starting to let her go. And that odd mixture of regret and relief filled her being again. "But maybe what I wanted was for nothing to change. And now it will."

"Maybe the change will be better?" Phil said, obviously not believing his own words.

"Do you really believe that Phil?"

"I really don't know Rae." Phil sat up and held a hand out to Rae and she sat up too. "Part of me knows that you love Finn and would never choose anything to jeopardise your relationship with him. But part of me hopes… Part of me even believes…" His eyes rested on her, and he was surprised to see a similar ache in her eyes.

"Who knows what will happen after we have this talk Phil." Rae's voice barely made a sound, "we both know that I love Finn very much. But… if nothing else… this whole thing has taught me that I love you as well." Phil felt a sudden jolt of electricity through his body. He had known, suspected, mostly hoped, that she felt the same way. He had never truly believed she would tell him this.

"You…?" He could barely get his mouth to work, his brain had stopped dead. But his body was alight with joy and hope and possibility.

"I love you Phillip." She said the words simply, without artifice, and with utter honesty. "So…" She shook her head. "So this was supposed to be you declaring your feelings for me, but… here we are…" She put a hand on his face and almost had to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, "I'm declaring mine for you." She stroked his face gently and thoughtfully. "But I don't know what it means because of Finn… and…" She looked away and let her hand drop into her lap. "I wish nothing had to change." She whispered sadly.

"I'm sorry that Finn and I did this to you." Phil's brows furrowed as he considered the situation, "it's not really fair to force someone's hand if they don't want to make a decision. Finn and I are both old enough to make our own decisions, and we both chose to stay where we were with you, and we would have continued to make that decision, even without forcing your decision like this. I'm very sorry." Phil apologised to her, "I hate doing anything that brings you pain."

"Well look at what I'm doing to you two as well." Rae countered gently.

"This whole thing has been kinda painful for everyone." Phil took her hand gently and they once again found themselves staring into each other's eyes.

"And confusing." Rae added with a soft laugh. Phil chuckled gently with her, "I didn't even know I could feel this way. It's daft!" Her incredulous laugh was infectious and Phil felt his sadness instantly lifting. "And where's your declaration for me you jerk?" They both laughed, finding an odd kind of joy in their confusing situation. Phil's love for her slid through his body and he put his hands on her face and looked deeply into her eyes.

"I'm so in love with you." His voice was breathless and rushed as if he could no longer hold it in after all this time. He hadn't known how she'd react but somehow her gentle smile and her hand on his face was exactly what he expected; of course Rae would do that. He grinned fondly at her and stroked her face, he couldn't turn his eyes away from hers, even if he had wanted to, but he didn't; he wanted to stare at her for the rest of his life. "I am so deeply in love with you Rae."

_'I'm on Fire' by Bruce Springsteen_

Chop sat down with a thud in the lounge room. He looked around the empty room and felt intensely lonely. Since he'd brought Izzy home from the hospital he had not spent one night away from her, he'd intended to not spend a night away from her for the rest of his life. But school had conspired to bring about this sad, lonely moment and he sipped on his beer and contemplated how lonely felt.

"Fuck Chop look at the state of you? You need to start listening to some fucking country music." Chop muttered to himself. He leaned back on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. He'd been thinking a lot about his mates when he had the chance; they'd all seemed to turn out differently than he'd expected. He didn't like that it took him so long to be supportive. He didn't like that he had to understand a thing, in order to support it. These were his mates, his family; he should support them unconditionally. But if he was honest with himself, he was confused by Archie's sadomasochistic relationship, he was confused by Chloe's open relationship, and he was confused by the whole Finn, Rae, Phil debacle. He was beginning to suspect that not only was he the vanilla one of the group, he was the dumb one. Izzy had always been smarter than him, her kindness made people think she was dumb, but she really wasn't, and now she was far more daring than him. It didn't matter though, he and Iz were forever and they'd deal with all of that. And as for his friends, they were very patient and forgiving with him as he struggled to understand everything.

He hated when Izzy wasn't around, because that's when he ruminated like this. He could be going over the books of his company, but instead he always found himself ruminating over how things were changing and how he didn't know if he could keep up.

He stopped himself ruminating and instead made his mind turned to thoughts of Izzy. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander over her body. His fingers twitched as he imagined plunging them into her hair, trailing them down her silky skin, gently pushing them into her wet pussy. The urge to taste Izzy was building in his gut and he knew that the minute she got home he was going to lay her down on the bed and make love to her cunt with his mouth. Chop's tongue slowly licked the corner of his mouth as he let his hand find its way into his pants. He remembered the way she sounded when she came and slowly started to stroke his cock.

"Izzy baby." He murmured as he pulled his pants down and set his cock free. He imagined the way she felt under his hands, picking her up and sliding into her as he slammed her back into the wall. Ever since he had taken Finn's advice and started to pay really close attention to Izzy, he had become obsessed with her; he could probably tell you where every freckle was on her skin. When he masturbated, he couldn't bring himself to think about any other girl but her, whereas in the past, he'd always thought about a variety of women, both from his real life and from his magazines and pornos. Now it was Izzy. That's not to say you couldn't see the beauty in other women; he absolutely could. It's just that he couldn't imagine fucking other women. He'd always thought Finn was like that with Rae. But obviously not.

Chop stopped himself from ruminating again and focused in on Izzy's divine taste. He felt his mouth watering and his cock starting to throb, as he imagined the things he'd be doing to her when she got home tomorrow.

Chop felt his orgasm hurtling towards him and stopped masturbating. His cock throbbed almost painfully, but he was waiting for her. He always waited for her now.

_'Even When I'm Sleeping' by Leonard's bride_

And Rae was ready for him. His lips were on hers, and she was ready.

Finn had told her no questions asked.

Phil was deeply in love with her.

She loved him too.

She was ready.

"Stop." She whispered the word regretfully. Phil stopped and looked her in the eye. Her entire being was clearly filled with desire for him. He furrowed his brow.

"Do you not want to?" Phil was surprised at himself for even asking.

"That's not it Phil." Rae stroked his cheek apologetically, "I so do… I so want to make love to you…" She saw the look of confusion on Phil's face. "But I don't know if I can." She looked down at her lap for a moment before looking back up of Phil. "I like that Finn is the only man I've ever made love with. And maybe I want to keep it that way. And maybe I don't. I really just don't know."

"You know I want you to be sure…" He slowly pulled away but Rae held him closer and shook her head.

"Neither of us want this to be a regret." Rae whispered, "But…" She furrowed her brows; her emotions were a white snow storm inside her skull.

"I will always respect whatever choice you make here Rae." Phil said gently. He stroked her face, "As long as you make whatever choice you're about to make for you, and not for someone else." Phil gave her an encouraging smile, "And I mean Finn or me there." He told her, "make the right choice for you, don't worry about Finn or I; we'll figure ourselves out."

"I am thinking about me." Rae said softly. "I hate how much I'm thinking about me."

"Why?" Phil asked shaking his head, "Why would you think it's a bad thing to think about yourself?" His voice was soft and reassuring, "This world is really fucked up Rae. If we don't look after ourselves… very few other people will. This world is doubly fucked up that it tells us that it's a bad thing to look after ourselves." Rae nodded slowly, obviously unable to speak at the moment. "Do you need me to back off?" His voice cracked slightly, "Is that what you can't say?"

"No." She shook her head, "That's not what I want."

"So you want me?" He moved slightly closer, but his hands stayed on her face, even though they itched to touch her still bare skin.

"I do." She whispered, "But I want Finn too." She looked horrified at what she was saying, "I guess I want my cake and to eat it too." She lowered her eyes, ashamed of her feelings.

"I never understood that saying." Phil said reassuringly, "Why would you have a cake and not eat it?" Rae looked up at him with a serious face, halfway between unimpressed with his joke and relieved he didn't hate her for wanting them both. "I'm sorry." He lowered his eyes as she stared at him.

"The truth is Phil, I need you in my life…" She tried to explain, "you give me something that no one else can." Phil nodded, and Rae knew that he understood. She knew he understood what she had just said, and also what she was about to say, "And Finn, he gives me…"

"He gives you something too." Phil nodded, "I get it." He whispered to her, "He loves you in exactly the same way I do." He stroked her hair, "So I understand why you'd want to be with him." His hands felt kind and gentle as he stroked her hair, "You get to have one of the rarest, most unique things to exist… twice." He told her, "I would die for you Rae. People say it, but they rarely mean it." Phillip shook his head, "But we both know he means it. And I mean it too." He smiled sadly and Rae knew it was true. Had it been Phil facing off against Saul in her room, he would have died for her. Finn nearly died; it was only his years of boxing and training that gave him any chance. But Phil… He would have died trying to protect her. Rae's eyes stung with tears and she let them fall. He gently stroked them from her cheeks and looked deep into her eyes, "That's who you are Rae. That's what you inspire in those around you." He gave her a moment with those words, as he allowed the knowledge he'd been hiding from all these months sink into his body. "I love you more than my own life Rae Earl. And I know… I know… it's not me."

"I'm so sorry Phil." She said through her tears, "But I love him in a way I don't think I'm capable of repeating ever again." She lowered her eyes, "Not like this…" She looked back up at him, "I can never give you what you deserve, what you need." She whispered the last words with real regret.

"So you're telling me no." Phil said softly, "That we can't make this work."

"Yes, I'm telling you no." Rae sobbed as she saw the pain in his eyes. A pain he was trying to hide, to protect her; even now, after this rejection.

"And you're sure of this?" He asked, his voice unnaturally steady. Rae had to marvel at his self-control.

"No." She sobbed and Phil's instinct to protect and sooth her kicked in. He took her into his arms and stroked her hair gently.

"It's ok." He whispered to her. "I'm sorry." His voice was deep and calming, "I shouldn't push."

"No Phil… please don't be sorry." Rae wiped her nose with the back of her hands and tried to contain herself. "Just tell me what you're really thinking." She said firmly and looked up at him. Phil's eyes clouded over for a moment.

"What I'm really thinking." He said with a deep breath, his eyes staring off.

"Yes." Rae whispered, slightly afraid of the pain she had caused him.

"I could make you happy Rae." He shrugged and looked down at her with a wan smile.

"I know." She answered without a hint of doubt. "That's why I'm not sure about saying no to you but…" She took a deep breath, understanding her heart perfectly, "I'm sure of saying yes to Finn. I am so sure of him and I'll never not be sure of him." She said with a knowing tone, "And I'm sure of my relationship with him." She sat up and took his face in her hands, "So me saying no to you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with Finn."

"Oh fuck." Phil looked away and took a few deep breaths to try and contain the tears in his eyes.

"He's the one for me Phillip. There is no one else." Rae hated having to tell him this. But she knew it was true. She also knew that if there were a chance she could have both of them, she'd take it. But not at the expense of either of them.

"Aren't we better suited for each other?" He asked softly and Rae shrugged wearily.

"Maybe… Probably even…" Rae acknowledged. "But with Finn… there's this fire that won't be denied." Rae thought of the fire between them, the electricity, the chemicals… whatever it was it was powerful and it was not something she could ever ignore. "So, you and me Phil, we might be more similar. Might not be, I'm more like Finn than you think." She said honestly, "And I'm not gonna play that game of who's better suited to me because no one sets me on fire like he does. The way he makes me feel Phillip is… one of a kind. It's a unique, pure, burning, blissful love." She watched his whole body drop and ached for him, not sure whether to tell him that the love she had for him was unique too, just not like Finn's; wouldn't that make everything worse for him? To know just how close he was? "So Phillip. Let me be clear, I love you…. so much." She shook her head, tears streaming down her face and Phil was forced to look back at her; compelled by the emotion in her voice, "You'll never know how much." She whispered, "But I would love to be friends with you and nothing else." Her voice was raw and thick with emotion, and it made Phil ache to heal her, to do her no harm, "I'm telling you no. As clearly as I can – no." She saw him take in a shuddering breath filled with tears and before she knew it she had taken him into her arms, unable to stop herself from comforting. "No." She whispered to him as she rocked him, feeling the pain with him, "No." Her voice cracked painfully. "I'm so sorry phil. You deserve happiness, and I hope you find it." She stroked his hair lovingly, "But it won't be with me."

They sat like that for a long time, both crying, clinging to each other, not really wanting to let go.

"Could it ever have been me?" His voice sounded lost and wounded and Rae instinctively pulled him to her even closer, hurting when he hurt. She loved him even more than she understood; this was becoming more apparent with every passing moment.

"In a world where Finn is, it's always gonna be him." She owed him her complete honesty. He nodded slowly and sat back up, taking in her tear-stained face. "If I had never met Finn, Phil… we would have been an incredible couple." She said almost as if reminiscing on a past they never shared, a future they would never have. "But from the moment I met him. No," She corrected herself, "from the very instant I first saw him, I was his. And I will be till the day I die. You understand?"

"I do." Phil's answered, wishing he could be numb, "Because from the moment I saw you, I was yours." Rae felt the wind knock out of her. She knew how much he loved her, but every time he did something that reminded her of the amount, it stunned her.

"Then you know how unbreakable my bond with Finn is." She said resolutely.

"I know. I guess I always knew." His voice was sad, but his face was still filled with love for her as he stroked her cheek, "but now you know." He smiled, sad but genuinely, "I love you Rae Earl. With everything I am."

"I love you too Phil." Rae answered honestly, her emotion threatening to choke her.

"And no matter what," Phil said, gently stroking her hair, "No matter where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, I'm yours." He looked into her eyes, "You've always got a backup plan ok? Even if you don't want it… me…." He kissed her forehead, lingering achingly, "You only have to say the word."

"That's not fair on you Phillip." Rae could barely say the words she hurt for him so deeply.

"I know." He smiled and took her face in his hand, "But that's the way it is. Because I'll always love you and I'd rather be second place for you than first place to a girl I don't love." Rae sobbed slightly and Phil made a soft noise of sorrow and took her into his arms again. "Don't feel bad about this Rae." He stroked her hair and yearned to hear different words than the ones they had shared tonight.

"I've felt like I've had a deficit of love my whole life." Her voice was higher pitched than usual and cracking with tears heartbreakingly. Phil held her closer and wished his arms encircling her could take away her pain. "Now I've got Finn, so obviously in love with me and I find myself unable to believe it. Unable to believe that I could be worthy of so much love. And yet there it is right in front of me. Why can't I just accept it? I know it's true… but…" She sat up slowly, staying in his arms, their faces close and looked into his eyes, "and then there's you… telling me that you love me…"

"And I do." He whispered.

"My whole life… I've wanted this kind of love and adoration…" She whispered in return, "And I never imagined that I'd ever tell anyone to stop loving me, but Phil… you have to stop loving me." Her voice hitched in pain and he knew she didn't want to lose his love. He knew she was telling him this for his own sake, even though she would miss him and his love if he were to leave her life.

"I can't." He answered honestly, "I've tried." He shrugged. "You need to stop worrying about me and how I feel about this." He told her.

"D'you really think I can just do that?" She asked almost angrily.

"No." He acknowledged. Inside he felt as if his entire world was collapsing in on itself, but there was no way that she would see all of that pain. It was inevitable that she would see some of it; he wasn't that good of an actor yet as to be able to hide all of it. But he would not have her feel guilty for making the right decision for herself; no matter how much it killed him. "I know you can't just push aside how you feel or what you worry about… or who… who you worry or care about…" He could feel her breath on his face, "You know I know this, because we both know I'll never be able to stop myself from loving you. It's not a choice." He watched her nod slowly, "So I need for you to be happy Rae," He told her, "I love you, and I need to see you be happy." He leaned his forehead on hers and felt her shuddering breath cooling his tears. "That's my number one need in this life. So you… you go and be happy with Finn, alright?" He felt her nod slightly; their foreheads still touching.

"Do I still get to have you as my friend? I don't want anything to change between us…" She whimpered, her tears closing her throat.

"Give me a few days to get my shit together…" He said apologetically, "But yeah of course. I'll always be yours, in whatever way you need me." He reminded her, his hands once again going to her face of their own volition, "And don't you ever spend a day feeling bad about that alright? That's my problem, not yours."

A sorrowful silence descended upon them, Rae wept silently, her forehead still touching his, his hands gently stroking her face.

"Why would you still be my friend after this?" She asked sadly after a long silence.

"I'll be honest Rae," Phil said with a wry smile, "Sometimes I think it would be easier on me, or better for my mental and emotional health, to stay away from you." He stroked her hair, "But it's not." He shook his head slightly, "It's not." He took a deep breath, "I'll take you any way I can get you." Phil answered honestly, "but even if I had never fallen in love with you, your friendship would still be one of the best things to have ever happened to me." Phil said firmly.

"I could understand if you didn't want to be around me anymore." Phil noticed the way her fingers tightened on his arms unconsciously, digging into his flesh, her anxiety clearly rising at that thought. "It's not fair for me to tell you that I want you around me and that I don't wanna lose-"

"I don't want to lose our friendship either." He reassured her.

"I don't wanna lose you Phil." She whispered.

"And you never will." He answered firmly.

"Promise?"

"I do promise."

"Can you hold me?" She asked, "One last time?" She looked into his eyes with an apologetic and sorrowful expression, "I know it's not fair of me to ask, but…" She wanted to feel close to him again. To feel their intimacy one last time. How could she say that to him? But she didn't need to; he understood. He stripped off his shirt, his eyes never leaving her and took her into his arms, the bare skin off their chests warm against each other.

"Do you wanna stay here, or go to the bed?" He asked gently.

"I wanna lay down with you." She stood up and held her hand out to him. They walked the bed, Rae sliding her jeans off and slipping under the cool sheets without a word. Phil followed suit and got into bed, instantly taking her into his arms. They held each other silently, both feeling utterly exhausted.

"Can I kiss you goodbye?" His voice was low and tender.

"Aye, of course." Rae answered, "Even though it's not really goodbye."

"No." Phil reflected that it still felt like it was, even though he'd be seeing her next week again. "Can I kiss you goodbye all night?" Rae got a slight glimpse of the crushing pain Phil was feeling when his armour slipped slightly; his desperate need for her showing in his question.

"Our jaws will drop off Phil." She tried to grin. And he grinned back somehow.

"It'd be worth it."

They didn't sleep all night. They laid together as close as they could be. At times she felt as if they were one person. They shared a level of emotional intimacy that Rae had never thought she'd have with anyone other than Finn. They clung together, farewelling the life that might have been lived together. Not saying much with words, but saying plenty in the way they kissed and touched each other. It was a night neither of them would forget. Or regret.

Phil did his shoelaces up and sighed internally, not making a sound. He looked over at her and watched her brushing her hair.

"The room is booked for tonight as well." He said softly. Rae looked over at him with surprise.

"Why?"

"I hoped this conversation would go differently." He said sadly, "But I knew how it would go. And I figured that you and Finn…" He lowered his eyes, "you'd have some talking to do. No matter which way it went I suppose." He shrugged, "And it seemed only fair to give him a chance to talk privately with you, if you wanted him to, so that you two could… be happy." He looked away, "the room is in your name, so if you don't want him around that's fine too; it'll be a comfy bed for you to sleep alone in, if you wanted the time alone." He gave her that wan smile of his she had seen too much of lately and she returned it, feeling the same emotional sorrow. They both knew Finn and her would both be in that bed tonight. But Rae wasn't sure what they'd be doing.

"When we leave this room," Phil said softly, "It'll be like none of this happened." He looked at her longingly and she went to him, pulling him up off the bed and embracing him. "I love you." He said fiercely as he wrapped his arms around you.

"I love you." She told him, "Phil…" She said haltingly, "I don't know if you wanna hear this. But I love you so much…" She shook her head, "If it hadn't been Finn, it most certainly would have been you." She stroked his face, "You were almost my forever." Phil closed his eyes for a moment, pain stabbing through his chest. But he held it together and took a deep breath.

"You are my forever." He told her and kissed her lips tenderly. "Goodbye Rae." He whispered and stroked her hair, looking into her eyes longingly; knowing that these goodbye kisses would be the last he'd ever share with her.

"Goodbye Phil." Rae stroked his face and returned his kiss passionately; wanting their last kiss to be one they'd both remember fondly in years to come. They stood, foreheads touching, for a moment longer before Phil found the strength to tear himself away from her; he had had no choice. If he stayed a moment longer, she would see how badly he was falling apart, and he couldn't burden her with that.

He turned and walked from her, leaving the room without looking back. Rae heard him lean on the door after it closed and understood he had lost strength in his legs; she herself had collapsed back onto the bed as soon as the door closed; her emotions finally getting the better of her too.

She loved him.

How she loved him.

But she didn't regret her decision for one second.

It was Finn. It would always be Finn.

And she knew without a moment's doubt or hesitation that she'd made the right decision. She had only really considered Phil when it had crossed her mind that she'd have both of them. She'd never considered her life without Finn as a real possibility.

Finn was the one.

But Rae was amazed at the depth of love she could have for other people. It had been so painful to say no to Phil.

She wept. But even as she cried her mood and focus shifted; she so wanted… needed to see Finn.

_'Little Lies' by Fleetwood Mac_

"So you're telling me that you spend upwards of ten hours, six days a week, at work?" Kenzie's face was filled with concern, but Gary could hear the mild tone of accusation in a voice.

"That's right." He mumbled and took a bite of the dinner she'd cooked for them.

"But…" She looked away, it was clear she was trying to not judge, she was trying to understand, "but don't you think Finn needs you here?" Her voice was soft, gently prodding and Gary tried to not be irritated.

"Yes, well I had no choice." He replied dourly.

"Are you saying you had no choice because I wasn't here?" Her face was piercingly sad and Gary regretted the tone he'd used.

"I'm sorry Kenzie," he replied softly, "But… But if you had been here, we would have had more money from you working and I could have spent more time with my son… And you could have had a say in the way he was raised." Kenzie lowered her eyes and nodded slowly.

"I understand." She put a knife and fork down and put her hands to her face, "I know what a big mistake I made. And I know how it messed everybody's life up… But that doesn't change that I'm surprised by some of the choices you've made." She looked him in the eye, "I guess I'm still caught in the past and I remember you as a free spirit… Who rocked my world." Kenzie willed him to understand. "I never would have believed that hippy rocker Gary would work 60 hours a week…"

"Well I'd like to not have to work that much. But the reality is that Finn is a very expensive human being to look after." Gary put his knife and fork down and ran a hand over his face slowly. He understood that things were going to be difficult, and he understood that it was going to take time to integrate Kenzie back into their home and lives, but he had not understood how frustrating the whole process would be. It wasn't just Kenzie's constant questioning of the life he and Finn had built together, it was his complete inability to comprehend and accept her life. She worked part-time in a little second-hand bookstore in London and lived in a share house with half a dozen people, eating vegan food and attending peace rallies. It's a life he wouldn't have minded living if he hadn't been a parent this whole time. And that was the thing that bothered him, Kenzie had spent the last eight years, not being a parent. He knew that it was more complicated than that, he had already seen hints of her anxiety; he understood that she wasn't well yet, but he resented the life she had led when coupled with the questions she asked. He never thought he could ever feel resentment towards the woman he loved. And there was no question in his heart and mind that he still loved her; he'd never stop loving her. But more and more the words Finn had said to him were ringing in his ears; Finn did not expect them to be a happy family. Somehow he had managed to do a fine job on Finn, regardless of the long hours and the compromise and the sacrifice. Finn had grown to be quite a wise young man and Gary wondered if Finn might actually be right.

"I will say sorry for the rest of my life if that's what it takes." She said honestly, but Gary heard the hint of anger in her voice and was surprised to hear it.

"Kenzie…" He mumbled wearily.

"But you owe me an apology too." She ploughed on.

"I said sorry." Gary allowed his irritation to colour his voice for the first time, "what exactly do you want me to apologise for?"

"What took you so long?" She asked simply.

"What on earth do you mean?" He was bewildered.

"After what I wrote in that letter… That awful fucking letter… And the way I had felt… And my… I guess you'd call it my mental breakdown," she wiped angrily at her tears, "I didn't know if you'd want me to come back." She lowered her eyes, "it took me about a year, maybe year and a half, to get my head back together. But after that…" She looked up into his eyes. "Why would you ever want me back?" Gary felt the bitterness of understanding sweep through his body; she'd been away for so long because she had been waiting for him. "So many times… So many times I picked up the phone, so many times I put pen to paper, so many times I was on the bus to Stamford… And every time I was stopped by one thought: why would you want me in yours or Finn's life anymore?"

"Oh Kenzie…" He shook his head; words failing him completely.

"Wasn't it easy to find me once you decided to?" Gary realised with a sickening, crunching, feeling in his stomach that she had laid breadcrumbs down for him, so that he could find her if he ever wanted to. "I waited for you, all this time, to want me back."

"Kenzie…" Gary's voice was choked with emotion, "I waited all this time for you to come back of your own free choice." They stared at each other across the table silently, "I thought that when you were better, you'd come back, like you said in the letter."

"I said so much stuff in that letter." Kenzie sniffed hard and wiped her eyes, "I don't even remember saying I'd come back in it." Her remorse was heartbreaking. "I barely remember anything I wrote other than I was worried I'd hurt Finn and that I'd always love you." She reached across the table to him, "both of those are still true." Gary took her hand slowly. "I worry that my presence alone causes Finn pain… And you…" She finished softly, sadly. "I don't want to cause either of you any more pain. You've both already been through enough because of me."

"No Kenzie, it's fine… We're fine." Gary tried to comfort her, "I'm so sorry I didn't come for you sooner." He regretted waiting patiently for so long now, "had I known that's what was keeping us apart, I'd have come for immediately… Eight years ago… We wouldn't have spent one night apart."

"The first year away was good for me though Gary." Kenzie said honestly, "it really helped me get my head back on straight." She looked down at her shaking hands, "although I do still have anxiety. I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be sorry for that Kenzie. There's nothing you can do about that." Gary got up and moved around the kitchen table to sit beside her and put an arm around her shoulders, "I hope that this time I can be more supportive when you need me." She kissed him gently her hands on his face gently caressing his skin.

"I love you so much Gary." She whispered, "And I am so sorry that we've been apart needlessly for so long… I just… I just couldn't see why you'd want me here."

"I want you here Kenzie, because you are my wife, you are Finn's mother, and we both love you very much." But even as Gary said the words, even as his wife's hands gently slid down his chest to his pants, even as they kissed passionately, he could not stop his mind turning to Janice. He could not stop the feeling in the pit of his stomach that this was just not going to work. He told himself that he had just become stuck in his ways and that Kenzie challenged him, which was good, but that he was unaccustomed to being questioned so much and that he would get used to in time. He tried to tell himself that what he felt for Janice was merely infatuation and that it would fade away with time. Because the truth was that he did love his wife and he did want it to work. So he needed to tell himself these things because he was beginning to worry that, as Finn had said to him, love alone was not enough to sustain a relationship, and that maybe the things he had once built this relationship upon with Kenzie were long gone. And he so didn't want this to be true; he had wanted his wife back for 8 years, he so wanted it to work.

_'When I Come Around' by Greenday_

"Did you two get back before midnight last night?" Phil looked Elsa up and down with a grimace.

"You look really sick Elsa." She gave him an unimpressed look and shook her head.

"Thanks Philip." She grumbled, "Now don't change the topic." Phil furrowed his brow; Elsa had clearly come down with influenza and he wanted to tell her to go home and rest, but he knew there was no point; Elsa had worked through worse.

"Yes, we were back in the hotel before midnight." It wasn't technically a lie, so Phil felt little guilt when he saw Elsa's eyes narrow in suspicion.

"Don't think I didn't notice what you just did there." Elsa raised her eyebrows at him in disapproval, "you're lucky I'm too sick to care right now. But I trusted you two and I really hope you didn't betray that trust… There better be no problems in my drama class."

"There won't be." Phil reassured her. Elsa folded her arms and eyed him thoughtfully.

"How did it go last night?" She asked in a careful tone.

"Finn told you about us, huh?"

"Even if he hadn't, what was happening between you two was obvious to anyone looking." Phil looked away and saw Rae and Izzy talking near the entrance of the hotel.

"Well," Phil said slowly, "I promised her nothing would change between us." Elsa noted the way he didn't take his eyes off her.

"But everything has changed, hasn't it?" Her voice was deeply understanding and Phil turned to her and nodded sadly. "You know Phil, I'm really over unnecessary love triangles… I say polyamory all the way." She said it with a grin, a grin that told him that she knew most people would not agree with her. "If you three were polyamorous, this would have had a very different outcome." She nodded sadly and put a hand on his shoulder. "Maybe one day the world will evolve, huh?"

"I'm not sure Finn and I could stand each other enough for that."

"Sure you could." Elsa asserted, "both of you would do anything for her." Her enigmatic smile showed her usual depth of understanding. "And love like that should not be thrown away or destroyed or wasted or gotten over… It should be embraced and lived and allowed to run its course. That's the true gift of polyamory; you never have to kill parts of yourself."

"Lucky I have no intention of killing that part of myself." He saw the look on Elsa's face, "it'd be the same as killing myself. And I can't do that."

"And she knows all that now?" Elsa's eyes strayed to Rae. Philip nodded slowly.

"Yeah." His voice barely made a sound and Elsa gave him a sympathetic look. "And Finn's known for a while." Elsa nodded knowingly.

"That he has." She looked back over at Rae and then back of Phil. "For what it's worth, I believe she loves you a great deal."

"I know she does. But she loves him more." Elsa took in his sorrow filled countenance. "I've come to terms with that."

"It's very brave to love wholeheartedly, unselfishly, fearlessly and with everything you are… When you know it will never be returned." She pulled him into her arms and hugged him fiercely, "I wish it had turned out differently for you Phil."

"Me too." But they both knew there was no coming between Finn and Rae.

Izzy yawned and stretched, before moving her bag on her shoulders.

"What happened to you and Phil last night?" She tried to sound as innocent as she normally did, but she could not keep the hint of suspicion out of her voice.

"We stayed in another part of the hotel." Rae knew there was no point in lying; it would probably be all over the school by the time she got back.

"Sam and I stayed in the other room alone." Izzy said slowly, "he said Bryn has a crush on me?"

"I would say he does." Rae answered honestly.

"I never saw it." Izzy marvelled, "and he made a move on me…"

"Holy shit Iz!"

"I know, right?" Izzy shook her head, "he was well out of line because even after I said no, he kept trying!"

"Are you alright?" Rae silently chastised herself for leaving Izzy in this situation.

"Yeah, I'm fine Rae." Izzy reassured her, "it's just that he said some things that really got me thinking…"

"Like what?" Rae asked sceptically.

"He just got me wondering if um… If you and me… Are we too young to be in such serious relationships Rae?" Rae scrunched up her face and Izzy continued. "So you know, I'm not gonna say a word to Finn about what happened with you and Phil." Izzy said with a determined smile, "because it's not my business and maybe… Maybe we're too young to be taking everything so seriously."

"Um, thanks Izzy, but Finn organised for this to happen…" Rae watched Izzy's face go from concerned to confused, "he wanted to give Phil and I a chance to talk, to sort everything out." Understanding came to Izzy's face.

"Oh, right." She nodded slowly, "makes sense."

"Anyway, tell me what Sam said?" Rae said as her eyes travelled over to Phil again as he spoke with Elsa.

"I feel like shit… I'm going back to the room." Sam declared before traipsing away from Elsa and Rae. It had been a strange farewell; Josh was not taking the bus back to Stamford because he was heading back to university and Candace had cried, Izzy had given her a huge hug, but barely spoken to Sam, and Phil… Phil had given her an aching look, nodded slightly, and gotten onto the bus without a word to her. He had told her it would take him time to get his head screwed on right, but she wasn't used to Phil not being there for her. Elsa coughed and sniffled as they watched the van leave, in a few hours, it would be bringing Finn to her.

"It sounds like you should head to bed too Elsa." Rae said softly, still not sure how she felt about Elsa. With all of the emotional rollercoaster of her time with Philip now passed, the situation with Finn was drawn sharply into focus and she found herself eyeing Elsa enviously.

"But what will you do all day?" Elsa asked genuinely as she sat down on the chairs in the hotel foyer.

"I could probably do with a nap." Rae shrugged and sat down beside Elsa.

"Are you okay Rae, you seem sad?" Rae was silent for a long time, not sure what to say. She looked up at Elsa, and Elsa saw the envy, the sorrow and the wariness. Elsa nodded slowly, understanding that Finn had told Rae what had happened, even though he had said he would do it after the drama camp. "It's okay Rae, ask me whatever you need to ask me." Her voice was soft and comforting and Rae felt her jealousy grow.

"Did you fuck Finn?" She hadn't meant to say that sentence, but it was the only question she desperately needed an answer to. She knew she should trust Finn's story, but all she could keep thinking was that Finn hadn't been a student back then, and who wouldn't fuck Elsa, given the chance? There was a moment of silence as Elsa took in all the emotion that Rae was feeling.

"No." For some reason Rae completely believed her and she felt a weight lift off her chest.

"But… But in the right circumstances, you would…" It wasn't a question; Rae knew this was the truth.

"Yes." Rae looked away. Silence grew between them as Rae struggled with what to say to such an honest, unreserved answer.

"Of course you would, it's Finn." Rae's mouth felt numb.

"You actually can read too much into that Rae," Elsa countered, "I feel that way about most people." Elsa shrugged, "except for John Howard and all of his ilk… They can all die in a hole." Rae couldn't help but laugh at Elsa's unexpected words.

"Who the fuck is John Howard?"

"The current Prime Minister of my fair homeland Australia." Elsa sounded thoroughly unimpressed, "He's an utter turd burger."

"Oh right?" Rae laughed.

"But let's not change the subject, I'm sure this has been very difficult for you and that you have a lot of questions, so ask them."

"These right circumstances…" Rae lowered her eyes, "what are the chances Finn will reach them?"

"He will never reach them if he's with you, or still not over you, if you've broken up." Elsa replied honestly, "I won't be a fill-in for another woman, even one so excellent as you." A small smile crept over Rae's mouth. "Unless of course you choose to not be in a monogamous relationship, then that's a whole different thing…" She said with a teasing grin and Rae shared the moment with her happily, knowing that Finn and her were going to be monogamous for the foreseeable future. Elsa was no threat to her, even though she was one of the most stunningly beautiful and sexy women on the entire planet.

"Why did you stop Finn?" Rae bit the inside of her mouth, "was it just because he was a student?"

"No Rae, it was because he was coming to me to replace you, to forget you, to deal with his pain about you… That's not what I'm about."

"So he was with you…" Rae could hardly believe what she was about to say, "and he was only thinking about me?"

"Yes. And I won't have that." Elsa said with a grim smile, "if you're fucking me, your mind better be on me." Rae had a glorious moment in which she realised that there really was no competition between her and Elsa; Finn would always be thinking about her, Finn would always choose Rae. All this time Rae had been jealous of Elsa, thinking her to be the superior woman, and he would much prefer her. And over all the top of this, an even better thought occurred to her; it's not a competition. Her worth isn't decided by what Finn, or anyone else, does or doesn't want. She was worthwhile and worth something in and of herself, regardless of what other people felt or thought about her. She looked up at Elsa and realised that this is what it was that Elsa had, that she had always been so jealous of; self-esteem.

"Well, of course, if you're going to be doing something that intimate, you want your partner present with you." Rae said with a happy grin. But there was still something bothering her; "why did he wait so long to tell me then, if nothing happened, why, why wait so long?"

"I told him not to because it just puts the burden of his mistakes on you." Elsa explained, "but we discussed it again later, and I agreed with him that it was best to tell you, because-"

"Because he has feelings for you." Rae interjected and Elsa nodded slowly.

"There are all kinds of love in this world Rae. Every relationship on Earth has something to do with love." Elsa said with a small smile, "Either none, or some, or a lot, or too much even… All different kinds of love…" Rae loved how beautiful she looked when she spoke of love, "relationships are a little like fingerprints I suppose; they're all different, but they're all about love." Her smile faded slightly as she considered Rae and Finn, "And Finn has a kind of love for me… and a different kind of love for you…"

"But the love he has for me is real." Rae thought she understand but she saw Elsa furrow her brow and shake her head.

"I don't like to put the word real in front of the word love. Love is love." Elsa believed this completely, but sometimes she still found herself describing Rafael as her first real love. She would never deny that he had been special to her, but she had loved many people and truly didn't believe that the love was any more or less real with all those other people than it had been with Raf. The idea of the one true or real love was, to Elsa, a sickening prospect. Even if Raf did hold a special place in her heart.

"But…" Rae was confused, "you can't consider the kind of love a 15 year old feels in a month long relationship to be anything like the love that lasts through to a 50 year long marriage.

"I can and I do." Elsa said adamantly, "People confuse what love actually is Rae." Elsa shook her head, "Sure you have some love that lingers for longer than other love, and this is the love people are talking about when they say 'real.'" Elsa gave a slightly disgusted look as if the concept was deeply unsavoury, "But it's not love that makes some relationships last longer than others." Elsa shook her head, "That's dedication, communication, trust and flexibility, compromise… a whole slew of character attributes that the individuals in the relationship bring to it that create something when put together… that's what builds relationships. Not love." Elsa took a moment to look at Rae's confused face, "Some long term relationships work wonderfully without love, and some can't do without it… But to be utterly clear, love that is sudden, bright and passionate and burns out in a few months is just as real as the love that is slow burning and lasts a lifetime. They're both the same thing. Just a different expression of the same thing, and one of them simply has the determination of some people to make the relationship last, to back it up. That's it. That's the only difference."

"So his love for you is just as real as his love for me…?" Rae sounded heartbroken but Elsa took her hand.

"Of course it is. But that means nothing Rae."

"How can you say that if you think it's just the same?"

"You love Phil." Elsa retorted and Rae shook her head.

"No I don't." She didn't want anyone else to know; to protect Finn.

"Rae…" Elsa gave her a look that indicated she was not fooled.

"Alright… I do love him." Rae conceded sadly.

"Would you say that that love is any less real than your love for Finn?" And Rae began to properly understand.

"No it's not." She whispered.

"The difference is between them is your choices." Elsa said with a growing smile, "your dedication and commitment to each other. Your trust in each other… the communication you've been working on…" Elsa gave her usual enigmatic smile, "love is a fickle mistress who alights wherever she chooses and with no logic or care for what it does to the people involved… and it is over romanticised and held up as the answer to all and the only 'real' thing there is." Elsa took Rae's hand, "But you know the truth now. Just like Finn. Love isn't worth a thing if you're not willing to be in the relationship with that person. Love is essentially meaningless if you do not trust the person you are with. Love cannot create or save a relationship, if you're not determined to work on the relationship. A relationship that lasts a lifetime, is a relationship both partners choose to stay in every single day." Elsa's hand went to Rae's face gently, "And love has only a little to do with that choice."

"I understand." Rae whispered; she had seen Chloe stay in a relationship because she hated herself. Rae had stayed in a relationship with Liam because it was what she thought she deserved; to be punished. She stayed with Finn, not just because she loved him, but for so many other reasons. Some would say those reasons were rooted in love but they weren't, not really. She had enjoyed spending time with him before she really knew she loved him. She admired his taste in music even when she thought she hated him, not that she'd ever admit that out loud.

"A lot of things that aren't love; like good communication, and trust or felling safe with a person… they are called love…"

"But that's not what they are." Rae's mind went over everything she had with Finn. She loved everything she had with him; but not everything she had with him was love.

"So, your Finn loves me. And you love Phillip… but that doesn't mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things does it?" Elsa grinned and Rae returned the grin, glad to have her idol back. Talking to Elsa made her feel better, about Finn's feelings, and about her own. It was ok to feel whatever she felt, her relationship with Finn was more than just a feeling.

"Out of morbid curiosity…" Rae said softly, "What actually happened that night?"

"Oh not a lot." Elsa shrugged, "He kissed me and I told him no. That really was the end of it." She saw the look in Rae's eyes and elaborated, "He was angry and hurt and he didn't know how to deal with those emotions back then." She took a tissue out of her pocket and wiped her nose and Rae felt guilty about not making her go up to bed and sleep, besides, Rae herself was exhausted. "He does now."

"Aye I suppose he does." Rae considered this carefully. It was true; now when they argued Finn ran after her, not after girls to numb his pain. He had learned to deal with his jealousy too. Finn had grown. She was so close to it that she hadn't realised just how much he had grown.

"Don't think about a Finn that no longer exists Rae." Elsa told her, "If you want to survive monogamy you gotta let each other grow and change," Elsa stroked Rae's hair off her face like an older sister might, "and most importantly, you gotta let go of the old versions of yourself and Finn. He's not that person anymore. You're not the same as that girl back then either." Rae knew she was right, "So let it go."

"You're so beautiful but. I can understand why Finn wants you."

"Listen Rae," Elsa said firmly, "no one in the world is attracted to just one person. No one. Not you. Not Finn. Certainly not me. Not even Phil… anyone who says otherwise is lying, probably to themselves the most." Elsa said with a slight grin, "monogamy is choosing to not follow those other attractions. Trust me, Finn has made that choice willingly and with his eyes widen open, knowing exactly who you are and what to expect by being with you." Elsa held her eyes, "Just like you have made that same decision with him." Elsa paused momentarily to let it all sink in, "So fuck yes I'm beautiful," Elsa grinned, "But that's nothing to Finn. He has made his choice and we both know he's happy with that choice." Rae's brows furrowed slightly.

"I feel like you helped Finn a lot with getting through all of this."

"Not really, he did all the hard work." Elsa shrugged.

"Thank you for helping him." Rae said softly but Elsa shook her head.

"I didn't really do it for him Rae." Elsa stared at her face for a moment, "When I first met you, you painfully reminded me of myself at your age… I hated myself so much, and I made a lot of mistakes." Elsa lamented, "Including one called Rafael." Elsa nodded slowly.

"What happened with him?"

"A lot of things… I realise now that the expectation that monogamy was the only valid relationship format was a bit of a killer… but that's outside the scope of this discussion." Elsa said with a cheeky grin, "One of the big things that happened was me," She cast a knowing eye over Rae, "I happened." Elsa's voice was low, sad, "I have a feeling you understand that all too well." Rae nodded slowly, "So, I wanted to be the kind of adult for you that I so desperately needed when I was your age." Elsa finished gently.

"You did all that talking to him, for me." Rae whispered.

"He reminds me a lot of my Raf." Elsa grinned fondly, "And I wanted to make Finn strong enough to weather you at your worst, so he deserved you at your best, as the old saying goes. So he wouldn't leave for the wrong reasons." Elsa explained, "If he or you leave for the right reasons, fine… but you two have broken up for the wrong reasons in the past…" Elsa knew their history from talking with Finn, "I wanted to give you and Finn the chance to not make the mistakes Raf and I made."

"Thank you." Rae felt more tears and knew today was going to continue to be an emotional day.

"No problem Rae." They shared a smile and Rae felt as close to her as a sister.

"I love you." Rae said softly and Elsa drew her into her arms.

"I love you too Rae." Rae knew that this unusual teacher from Australia loved her in a strange and genuine way that no one else ever would. And it was wonderful.

"Where's Raf now?" Curiosity got the better of Rae as she sat back up from the hug.

"I dunno." Elsa shrugged, "And please don't take that story the wrong way; I am very happy as I am now. I've stopped hating myself, and I have a very full and happy life. But Raf… well you never forget your first love I suppose." She smiled reminiscently and Rae nodded, thinking about Finn. The thought of Finn, back in Stamford, waiting for her pulled at Rae's innards and she sobbed suddenly. She missed him so much; it was a painful ache in her chest, like her body was missing its heart. Phil had done a good job of putting a Band-Aid on the wound, but the truth was, nothing could completely cover the longing she felt for Finn. "Don't cry Rae, everything is ok. You'll see." Elsa soothed.

"I just feel so miserable about everything." Rae wiped away her tears.

"Well every time you feel miserable Rae spend some time with nothingness."

"Nothingness?" Rae asked and sniffled miserably.

"Feel what you feel and then rest. Rest and feel nothing for a while. It's good to take a rest from the constancy of our own emotions."

"How do you feel nothing?"

"Trust me, if you let yourself have a break, you're mind and body know what to do… you just gotta let it rest. Be kind to yourself."

"I'm not very good at being kind to myself." Rae said sadly.

"I noticed." Elsa reached out and stroked her hair again, "and what's your favourite food?"

"Um…" Rae didn't know how to answer and then she thought about how much she missed pork with crackling because it was haram in their mostly Muslim house. "Pork."

"Alright." Elsa grinned. "So cook yourself one pork chop and spend some time to slowly eat it, savouring every mouthful; really enjoy it. When you're miserable… spend some time with nothingness and pork."

"I have a problem with binge eating you know." Rae had never really divulged this to anyone before. Sure Kester, and her mother, and Finn was vaguely aware of it.

"Alright." Elsa said, "But it's not like you can give up eating is it?" Elsa said, "And food is inherently comforting because it stops us from dying." Elsa said, "I reckon if you take the time to savour the pork you'll be fine. But I think…" Elsa hated to admit it, "You'll probably have to run this one past Kester."

"I will." Rae nodded, "Cos nothingness and pork sounds pretty fucking good!" She grinned. "I actually might grab some pork from the restaurant here and then have a nap." Rae considered this for a moment and Elsa nodded.

"Well I'm for bed; I feel like shit." Elsa stood up shakily and Rae worried for her, "take care Rae." She gave a reassuring smile, "I'll be up in time to meet the van." She added before heading towards the elevator.

"Sleep you!" Rae commanded with a grin and Elsa chuckled as she left. Rae watched her go, her mind thinking over everything that had happened since she had first met Finn, then she started focussing on the past week. Her mind scrambling to keep up with her emotions.

_'I'm almost With You' by The Church_

Finn was grumpy. He missed Rae like he would miss his own heart beating in his chest if it were to be ripped from him. He'd woken up to his mum and dad shagging. Again. And now they were arguing. Again. Same old fight; living arrangements. There were two main arguments: 1. where was Kenzie going to stay? Should she quit her life in London and move back to Stamford? Should she live with them or in a place of her own? And if with them, in the spare room or not? And 2. Was it really ok for Rae to be spending so many nights in Finn's bed? Shouldn't they try to reign it in? Put her up in the spare bedroom? There were always lots of reminders about his age in this argument. And Rae's. His mum had become oddly protective of Rae and her tender age of 17.

Finn tried not to listen, this argument was about where Kenzie was going to live, and ate his Weet Bix doggedly. The Weet Bix had come in a care package from Australia not long after he had sent a letter to his Uncle Angus, his mother's brother, introducing himself. The care pack had had letters from Uncle Angus and all the family there, as well as food from and photos of Australia. Finn had instantly treasured everything in the box. Turned out he had a few cousins down under, the oldest, Terri, was from his Aunty Tina's first marriage and she was 16. Terri was the one that had done the care package and Aunty Tina had taken all the photos. Uncle Angus had given Finn a very clear snapshot of what he was going to look like in his late 30's, early 40s, because the resemblance between Finn and his uncle was marked. As for the food in the care package, the thing he'd liked the most had been the Tim Tams. But Weet Bix made a good breakfast, or lunch in this case, if you smothered them in sugar and milk.

Not only was Finn grumpy, but he was anxious. Anxious and keen to see Rae. He was 99% certain of the outcome of the dinner, and had accepted the inevitable sexual encounter they would have had, but now he needed to hear from her that she chosen him. This was vital to him. Even though he and Phil had agreed Phil would tell him first… he needed to hear it from her.

And there was only a few hours until he got to see her again.

It had taken everything in Finn's entire being, to not simply jump on his bike and go to her in Lincoln. But he knew she needed time alone with her feelings and he knew that by giving her this time with Phil, things could finally settle down between the three of them. Which is what Rae really needed. And if she needed it, he wanted it.

He went up to his room as silently as he could, not wanting to disturb his parents now that their arguing had become discussion. He grabbed his backpack and shoved his stage blacks in. His father been surprised by his request by black track pants and a black long sleeved shirt, but this is what he wore on stage when there was no set costume; it's what they all wore. He sniffed at three pairs of jeans and chose the pair that smelt the least and shoved them in the bag as well. He continued packing while he tried to think of all the things he was going to say to Rae. His brain was still scrambling to understand his new found lack of jealousy over Phil, and he really needed her to understand that it wasn't because he loved her any less, but because he had realised that he loved her more. He worried that she would feel that his lack of jealousy meant that he did not care as much as he used to, but that was not true. He cared about her just as much as he always had. He had just learned to value her wants and needs above his own. He and Rae had already touched on this topic, so he knew that she understood, on some level, but he knew that her self-esteem could make things very tricky. Especially in light of what he knew had happened with Phil these past few days.

He looked in the mirror.

_Is there something wrong with me that I don't care that some other man may have fucked my girl?_

_Her value to me isn't affected by whether some other person has known her. She is worth so much more than that. What we have is so much more than just sex, what she offers me so much more than just a body._

_Why does the world tell me that something like this should matter? Something like that would only matter if you thought of the woman you love as nothing more than a vagina._

_Why would I care if someone else has had sex with her? It doesn't lessen her, it doesn't lessen me, it doesn't lessen what we have. Sex is given far too much power… People actually think that sex can make or break a relationship… A relationship is worth so much more than sex. If sex can make or break your relationship, it's probably not a relationship worth having._

Finn almost felt like Rhys was there, giving him a talk about how this world only taught you one way of thinking and it was a very narrowing and prescriptive way of being. But in reality humans were much more complicated and diverse than the stories he had been told all his life, than the images they all constantly were bombarded with.

Finn thought about Chop and how he said he would never be okay with Izzy being with another man, but how easily he had forgiven Izzy for that kiss. And what Izzy had done was outright cheating. Rae would not be cheating if she fucked Phil; Finn had told her she could do whatever she wanted, and that he would ask no questions. But Chop still didn't understand why Finn could so easily forgive this, even though he had forgiven something that was essentially worse. Finn wouldn't accept cheating in their relationship; that was a whole different thing. What he would accept, was open communication and Rae having what she needed, as long as he knew what that was and who it was with. Honesty, communication, and prior knowledge was the difference between what Izzy had done and Rae had probably done. He knew which way he'd prefer it, but he supposed for Chop it was easier to simply forgive what had already happened, than to think about what might come.

"Everyone's different." Finn muttered to himself before taking the information sheet about the drama camp off his desk and reading it. He packed all the things on the list and went to the bathroom to pack some toiletries. Now that he was completely packed Finn looked at his watch, it was time to start walking to school, so he'd be in time for the van to Lincoln.

_But what if she didn't choose you Finn?_

Finn stopped at the front door, his gut churning. He and Phil had agreed to respect anything she chose.

_You know she did. Don't be a fucking daft twat._

"Bye mum! Bye dad!" Finn called at the door and left without waiting for a reply.

_'I can dream that I'm someone else' by Skunk Anansie_

Phil struggled to keep it together on the journey home. Everybody wanted to chat excitedly and congratulate him and he just felt like dying.

Of course he'd never do that to Rae; he knew she'd blame herself. And besides, he still had too much ambition in terms of acting. But he certainly needed some time away to get his emotions under control.

More than ever, he wished he was Finn. In between the mindless, inane chatter. He let his mind wander over what had happened since Sunday, and how things would be different if only he was Finn. He knew he was deeply jealous of what Finn had with Rae, but he also knew that Rae and he had something special too. He knew he had a relationship with Rae that no one else had, it just wasn't the relationship he wished it was. But quite honestly, he really would take Rae anyway he could get her. And the friendship they shared was beyond precious to him. So he would take a few days, perhaps a few weeks, and get his head back on right. And then he'd returned to her side as a friend, knowing there would never be anything else, no matter how much he longed for it. He and Finn had said that they would both respect whatever she chose; and he would. She chose him as her friend, and he would give her whatever she needed; it wasn't in him to not do whatever she needed.

Phil had spent the years since his parents' unexpected wealth wishing to be loved. And one small comfort that he could take from this time was that she did love him. She did love him enough to be with him, if not for Finn.

It was a comfort, if only a small one.

As expected, Finn and his fucking perfect face was waiting at the school when the minivan pulled up. Phil waited for Candace, Sam, and Izzy to get out of the van while he tried to gather the strength to face Finn. He looked out the window to see Izzy and Finn chatting, and the twins Kristi and Kurt heading across the school oval, but Amy was nowhere to be seen. That meant he had time to talk to Finn, and he knew they needed to talk.

Phil grabbed his stuff and slowly trudged out of the minivan. He squared his shoulders as his foot hit the ground and turned his eyes towards Finn. Finn's tongue went to his back teeth as he took in Phil, and they glared at each other silently for a moment before Phil motioned for them to step away from everyone else.

"I guess your reputation isn't completely unfounded." Phil said with a wry grin. Finn took a deep breath and shook his head; he'd known Rae would tell Phil about this, but he still didn't like the idea that he knew.

"I knew Rae'd tell you about Elsa." Finn mumbled unhappily.

"Holy shit!" Phil's eyes opened wide and Finn suddenly realised that Rae had not told Phil who he had kissed, only that he had done it. "You fucking went after Elsa?"

"Fuck Phil, keep your fucking voice down!"

"Jesus fucking christ…" Phil marvelled.

"Aye alright!" Finn retorted grumpily. Phil shook his head slowly.

"Yeah, you deserve your reputation." Phil told him, "you might not have shagged as many people as the rumours say, but if you're going after Elsa, you have got one set of steel fucking balls."

"I said alright Phil!" Finn was exasperated; this was not the topic he wanted to be talking about; he needed to know who Rae had chosen, and they had agreed that Phil would tell him before he spoke to Rae.

"I can understand why Rae was so pissed off at you." Phil watched Finn's face drop and did not feel one ounce of sympathy for him.

"How pissed is she?" Phil could tell that Finn was worried, very worried. He knew we could have fun with Finn right now, he could torment Finn, make him feel terrible. He knew also, that he could make them argue from here, Finn felt fragile, and fragile people are easy to suggest things to.

But Phil took a deep breath and remembered that he was Rae's friend and that he loved her more than his own life.

"Not nearly as pissed off as she should be." Phil watched the relief spread over Finn's face and tried to feel content with the fact that he had done right by Rae.

"Aye that's Rae for you." Finn said almost sadly, "she always forgives me when I sometimes don't deserve it. She's a better person than me." Phil felt his eyes wanting to roll and he shook his head, not able to believe what he was about to say.

"You're not all bad Finn, anyone that would do anything for Rae is alright by me." Finn nodded slowly and looked Phil in the eye.

"Aye, you're alright by me too Phil." They both looked away for a moment, Finn not wanting to ask what she chose and Phil not wanting to tell him.

"So I suppose I should tell you what happened?" Phil said with a soft voice. But Finn shook his head.

"I don't wanna know what happened."

"Really?" Phil was surprised.

"It was part of the deal, wasn't it?" Finn shrugged'

"So you don't want to know how far-"

"No." Finn interrupted, "I don't."

"But what if we made love?" Phil tried to keep his tone hypothetical.

"Then I definitely don't need to know." Finn told him firmly, "I've come a long way with this jealousy thing Philip, but I'm not that far along yet. I'd beat the living shit outta you."

"How evolved of you." Phil replied sourly.

"Eh." Finn shrugged, "it's a work in progress." Phil couldn't help but grin at Finn's attitude, "I just want to know who she chose. What happened doesn't mean anything to me."

"You knew I'd end up having to talk you up didn't you?" Phil began to realise just how much Finn had predicted.

"Yeah." Finn said unapologetically, "I knew you'd have to comfort her about me and that you were too good of a man to manipulate her into hating me, even though you could."

"You kinda manipulated me into mending her trust issues with you for you." Phil shook his head.

"Not really."

"You basically told me I was too good a man to take advantage of her." Phil said and Finn nodded.

"And you are." Finn said honestly, "because you love her. You don't love me. You could have talked me down if you wanted to. But it's not your style to do that." Phil hated that Finn knew him so well. "I know this Phil, because we are so alike." It had been hard for Finn to admit this finally. But he and Phil's relationship had changed now; everything was going to be different, even if nothing changed in an obvious sense.

"Yeah." Phil nodded slowly, "we are very alike."

"Aye, I suppose you're me if I had a brain in me head and endless money." Finn joked, but Phil shook his head.

"The only real difference between us, is who has Rae, because she brings out the best in both of us." Finn couldn't read Phil's tone of voice, and he still wasn't sure who Rae had chosen.

"Aye I suppose so." Finn agreed, he hesitated, but knew he had to ask. "So who did she choose?" There was a moment of silence and Phil took a deep breath slowly and sadly nodding his head.

"You know who she chose." Finn was surprised at the total lack of bitterness in his voice. "We all always knew how this would turn out… If we're honest." He sounded philosophical, but Finn could see the deep pain he was in; all hope was gone now and Finn knew what it was to fall into that deep pit of despair. Unexpectedly, to both of them, Finn took Phil into his arms to try and comfort him. Phil's whole body was momentarily tense, but the need to be comforted overcame his surprise, and he allowed Finn to soothe him gently for a moment, while he let himself feel just the very tip of the iceberg of heartbreak he felt. Finn felt Phil's breath catching his throat and knew Phil was fighting back tears. Finn didn't know whether to hold onto him while he cried, or let him go so he could push down the tears. But Phil made that decision for him as he pulled out of the hug and quickly wiped his eyes.

"If I had to come second to anyone Finn," Phil said thickly, "I'm glad it's you; I couldn't stand to see her with anyone else. They wouldn't deserve her."

"Thanks Phil." Finn hadn't expected to feel quite so much empathy with Phil as he did. But he knew that if Rae and he had never gotten back together, he would be Phil. He understood that pain, he understood that loss. He understood completely. "So what are you gonna do now?"

"Well she wants us to be friends." Phil lowered his eyes, "so that's what we'll be."

"No, I mean… Will you try going out with other girls?" But Finn already knew the answer.

"Oh, I've tried that." Phil shook his head, "it never works." He said with a grim smile.

"No." Finn agreed. "Because they're not Rae." Finn understood.

"I never intended to fall so deeply in love with her." Phil explained, "but it just crept up on me… One day I thought she was a great girl who I could laugh with… The next day I was so deeply and irrevocably in love with her, that I can't imagine my life without her in it."

"That's how it happened to me." Finn nodded sympathetically, "And you won't have to have your life without her in it." Finn reassured him, "I'm totally fine with you guys being friends… Or whatever." He shrugged, "I understand that once you love Rae you never stop, so I know how you need her, and I have no desire to hurt you or her anymore, by trying to keep you apart."

"I'm not sure I would have been quite so accepting in your place." Phil acknowledged Finn's magnanimity.

"Aye, you would have been! You're the same as me; you'll give her anything she needs!" Finn reminded him and they shared a knowing smile

"I hope you realise how lucky you are Finn." Phil stared at Finn's face for a moment and shook his head, "I know you do realise how lucky you are…"

"You know Phil, I have to thank you for where I am mentally right now." Finn said honestly, "you've helped me learn that there will always be other people in Rae's life, and she's gonna love some of them. And there is literally nothing I can do about that." Finn nodded his head, "all I can do is try to be the kind of man that she chooses to be with every day, the kind of man that deserves her love and respect. You helped me realise that, cos that's what you've always done for her." Phil lowered his eyes sadly.

"Doesn't matter how hard you work for love and respect," Phil said. "Love must be given freely, and there's nothing you can do about that." Phil looked up at Finn, "and she loves me… But she chooses you… Because she loves you more." Finn had to take a moment to really absorb that information, he couldn't even begin to understand how Phil must feel.

"You have my sympathies Phil." But Phil shook his head, his eyes lowered.

"You know Finn I'm really grateful for what you're trying to do here, but I really don't think I can stand your pity."

"I don't pity you, you fucking wanker." Finn quipped and Phil's eyes shot up to Finn. Finn gave him an understanding smile and Phil knew that as painful and difficult as this had been for all of them, Finn was actually gonna be there for him, in exactly the way Phil needed.

"Oh, a wanker am I?" Phil scoffed.

"Well, you're going home alone, aren't you?" Finn teased, hiding his worry that it was too soon because he knew Phil needed this stability. Phil rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Well, at least I don't look like a fucking dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair." Phil felt an odd sense of equilibrium as he thought of insults for Finn, "I mean really, what the fuck did your next step in?" Finn chuckled and shook his head.

"I'm seriously, like, what, an inch, maybe two, shorter than you?"

"You're still shorter Finn." Phil said with a grin, "and you'll always be shorter." Finn pretended to roll his eyes grumpily as Amy arrived.

"Yeah, well I could take you in a fight." Finn gave Phil an easy one to retort.

"I'm not surprised, you fucking Neanderthal. If that's what you've got to be proud of, you must lead a very undistinguished life." He gave Finn a grateful smile, and nodded. "Thanks Finn."

"It's alright. I quite like our banter. I'd rather it didn't end too." Finn suddenly realised what Rhys had said to him back at the Summer Ball; he really did like this battle with Phil. And he realised the reason he liked it so much, was because he was always guaranteed to win, even though the opponent was truly worthy. "Hey by the way congratulations on your win." Finn said genuinely happy for Rae and Phil.

"It wasn't really a fair competition for everyone else." Phil said with some of the cockiness Finn was used to seeing. Finn nodded.

"I believe that." He said earnestly; he'd seen that duologue enough times to know how good it was. And Izzy had told him that the last minute changes they had made, had made it even better. "From the minute you two were involved, it was a battle for second place." But Finn could see that that sentence hit home for Phil; with Finn involved, it would always be a battle for second place with Rae.

"Yes, I suppose it is." Phil's brows furrowed for a moment, "anyway, you better earn her a second trophy mate. I don't need to tell you that men like us don't like to let the women we love down." Finn nodded as Phil started to turn away, "I'll see you after you get back."

"See you then Phil." Finn watched Phil go, saw his shoulders slump and knew that for all his bravado, Phil was an emotional wreck right now. But there was little he could do about that, and he had his own issues to think about. Finn got onto the minivan, his nerves greatly settled. Now he was just eager to see her.

_'I've Got Dreams to Remember.' By Otis Redding_

Archie held up the g-string Tom wanted to pack for the trip and shook his head. He had thought packing for himself had been hard, but going over Tom's stuff had been a nightmare. But he had the feeling Tom was teasing him with some of the things he'd included in his backpack. It had taken weeks to convince him that a backpack was more practical than the designer suitcase he wanted to take. He took the g-string out to the lounge room to ask Tom if they were really necessary and stopped in his tracks.

Tom turned the page of one of his photo albums. Archie watched as Tom's fingers gently stroked the page, his face filled with painful emotion. Archie hadn't seen him like this before; sitting on the floor, his back against the lounge, his body slumped, sadness surrounding him. Tom was always indestructibly upbeat, strong, proud and beautiful. But he looked defeated and exhausted.

Archie shoved the g-string in his pocket and went to Tom, sitting beside him silently, wrapping an arm around his back and leaning in to look at the photographs. Tom sniffed and gave Archie a small grateful smile.

"Is that your sister?" Archie looked at the picture of a lovely girl with an incredible and inviting smile, eyes as blue as the sky. Tom nodded slowly. "You miss her?"

"Yeah." He barely made a sound, "You know, she's a good kid." Tom cleared his throat, "I guess she's not really a kid anymore."

"How old is she?"

"Sixteen." Tom turned the page, "She was a blessing after years of trying and miscarriages." Tom slowly shook his head, "I remember mum crying all the time, and dad… bullying her into trying again." Archie made a small noise of sympathy, having no idea what to say, "He wanted another son, but when he got that little girl… she became his princess and he was happy." Archie looked down at the pictures; family photos in which Tom already looked unhappy. "And Lilly is such a sweet, good human being." Tom sighed, "She once told me that she couldn't hate me for being who I was, even if our parents did. I told her I was sorry for being gay. Cos I know what kind of pressure she was under from those two fuckers. And she told me not to be sorry. She told me to never be sorry for who I am."

"We should try and contact her."

"She's in France on a cultural exchange for school." Tom said.

"Well when she gets back…"

"I don't' wanna put that on her." Tom said sadly, "Don't want her to be in between them and me… don't want her to feel like she has to choose."

"It doesn't have to be about making a choice," Archie tried to reason, "we can keep it secret?"

"It just seems like a lot to put on her." He sighed, "I'm not sure if I'm worth all that effort."

"Of course you are!" Archie was astounded to hear this from Tom. But upon reflection, he realised that no one could be so hated by his parents and not have some self-esteem issues. "And I really think we should let Lilly decide what's best for her. Don't you?" Archie would have to talk to Finn about how to best deal with the self-esteem issue, because he really didn't know. He'd never been good at dealing with Rae and Chloe's moments, he just tried to be there for them. But Finn knew exactly what he was doing with Rae. And he supposed he could ask Rhys too; Rhys was not only a genius at these things, but he knew Tom well. But Finn was his best mate and he'd prefer to ask him. Archie leaned over and kissed Tom's cheek.

"Do you wanna try to contact your parents again?" Archie asked supportively. "At least tell them we're going overseas?"

"Oh god no." Tom moaned, "It's not worth the hassle." He shook his head sadly and turned the page.

"I don't think your mum really wanted it to go down the way it did." Archie tried, but Tom shook his head.

"It'd been a long time coming Arch." He said sadly. "Maybe after a few years she'll miss me enough to try. But I doubt it." He swallowed back his tears, "I'll always be an abomination to her."

"Well regardless of them two knobheads," Archie was glad to see a small smile kiss Tom's lips, "I really do think you should reach out to Lilly somehow." Archie saw a thoughtful look on Tom's face; that was progress. He looked down at the photographs. It was a photograph of Lilly with a dance trophy. "She does ballet?"

"Of course she does, if nothing else, my parents do like to force their kids to do gendered activities. I was the boxing champion and she was the prima ballerina." He ran his fingers along the photo, "she wanted to learn mixed martial arts. And I kinda wanted to be a theatre fag." He shrugged, "I guess it turned out for the best because I really like being a personal trainer, and I love that I can box. Always give those homophobes a nasty surprise." He gave Archie a cynical grin and Archie stroked his hair softly, his fingers tangling in his gentle curls. Tom sighed and smiled grimly, "you know on this journey, I'm gonna have to let my natural hair colour grow in." Archie looked at Tom's honey, golden hair and furrowed his brow.

"What is your natural colour?"

"A very uninspiring brown." Tom grinned.

"I bet it brings out the blue in your eyes." Archie soothed his vain boy.

"Hadn't thought of that." Tom confessed, "I just know that this colour makes me look less washed out." He grimaced and then stroked Archie's hair. "Will you still love me when I'm less beautiful?"

"Less beautiful?" Archie asked incredulously.

"I'll never be ugly Archie, even when I'm 90 years old." Tom said with a cocky smile. "But I might become less beautiful…"

"Oh, I know you'll never be ugly Tom!" Archie agreed solemnly, "I just didn't think it was possible for you to be less beautiful either… Even when you're 90 years old." Tom gave Archie a grateful smile, and Archie began to understand that Tom's ridiculously high self-esteem and vanity masked and extremely insecure core. Tom had learned to deal with his parents' lack of love for him by loving himself and particularly his appearance wholeheartedly. But it had left him afraid of what would happen when he lost his looks. Archie was glad for his parents more than ever as he watched Tom's face drop the moment he looked back at the photograph album.

"When we get back, if you don't mind," Tom looked at Archie apologetically, "I think I would like to contact Lilly."

"Of course." Archie instantly agreed, feeling happy that there was movement forward in the situation with Tom's family.

"I can't even imagine what my parents will do if they find out…" Tom fretted.

"We'll worry about that when we get to it." Archie said firmly, "Right now will worry about contacting Lilly secretly, and letting her have a chance to stay in contact with a brother she so obviously loves." Archie looked down at the second photograph of Lilly with her dance trophy; Tom stood beside her, towering over her with his impressive height, and she looked up at him adoringly. Archie moved Tom's hand over to the second photo, redirecting Tom's gaze to that one. He saw a small smile creep onto Tom's face again. Tom nodded slowly, and Archie knew that his mind was made up; they were definitely going to contact Lilly.

_'Let's Stay Together' By Al Green_

Finn was looking over at Amy and Kristi bickering about music and shaking his head when the van pulled up outside the hotel. He hadn't even noticed the van stopping, but when he heard a gentle tapping on the window, he knew it was her before he'd even turned to see. As soon as his eyes were on her, she spread her hand over the glass, just as he had when she was leaving. He instantly put his hand against the glass and watched her lips form the words _'I love you.'_ Her face was filled with sorrow, but she was clearly glad to see him, and he mouthed the words back to her as the twins jumped off the van, Amy and Kristi still arguing, Kurt shaking his head wearily.

He grabbed his backpack and got off the minivan. There was a flurry of activity around them, but Rae and Finn were still and silent, taking each other in. They simultaneously stepped towards each other and both instantly broke out into a grin.

"Alright girl." He said fondly and took her into his arms. Rae gratefully slid her arms around his waist and closed her eyes, feeling the ache in Finn's body as he held her close, his hand going up to her head to hold her to him tighter. "I missed you." He kissed her temple and took deep calming breaths, letting the smell of her fill him up.

"I missed you too." Her voice was higher than usual and Finn knew she had a lot she wanted to talk to him about. "I love you so much Finn."

"I love you too Mrs Nelson." Their lips met and Rae felt that same breathless sensuality that she had felt the first time he kissed her. There was a kind of aching need in Finn's kiss that Rae had never felt before from him. He had really missed her.

"I'm sorry we argued." Rae whispered to him remorsefully.

"So am I girl." Finn held her to him and allowed an unexpected rush of relief to wash through him.

"Alright kiddies," Elsa croaked, looking more unwell than before, "let's get you to your rooms, we'll be having dinner in a few hours." They followed Elsa up into the hotel, Rae and Finn holding hands and silently following the others. After Elsa had left them and gone back to her room to rest, Finn listened to Sam coughing and Kurt muttering his lines to himself as he put some things on the bedside table. It was only a few minutes before there was a gentle tap on the door. Finn grinned and opened it to see Rae at the door, Kristi and Amy standing behind her.

"I've got somewhere to take you Finn Nelson." Rae said softly. Sam looked up from the bed, his eyes going from Rae to Finn, a narrow-eyed look of accusation on his face. But Rae ignored him, took Finn's hand and turned to Kristi. "Make sure no one disturbs Elsa, okay? And we'll see you at dinner." Finn, seeing the grin on Rae's face, followed without a word.

When they got to the room Rae was relieved to see that the sheets had been changed. It would have felt weird to sleep on the same sheets with Finn that she had slept on with Phil. Finn took in the room slowly and tried not to let his mind wander too far.

"So you stayed here with Phil last night, then?" He asked, "You know what, I don't want to know." He instantly corrected himself, "I told you no questions asked." Rae looked at Finn for a long time and then looked around the room.

"Phil paid for us to have this room for tonight. He figured you had as much right to privacy when talking to me about this thing, as he had had." Rae answered calmly. Finn pocketed his hands and looked out the huge balcony window, nodding his head slowly. Part of him wanted to ask her exactly what had happened, but he knew he didn't really want to know, and besides he had told her no questions asked. But knowing they had shared this room, for some period of time raised questions with Finn. Was it overnight, did they sleep in the bed together, or did they do something else in that bed together? Finn took a moment to examine his feelings and gather his thoughts. And Rae silently waited for him to speak. She had known that bringing him to this room would raise questions, but she was willing to tell him everything, if he wanted to know. She was in love with him and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him; if he wanted to know everything, she would tell him and deal with the consequences. She would be as honest with him as he demanded. So ultimately she had had no qualms in bringing him to the room; she would hide nothing from him for the rest of her life.

"So Phil told me…" Finn turned his eyes towards the bed and then down at his feet and Rae wondered what Phil had said to him. "He told me that you chose me. Which I suppose is obvious…" He scuffed his feet, slightly, not sure how to start the conversation he knew they had to have.

"You knew I was gonna choose you." Finn nodded his head and gave her a small, slightly cheeky grin.

"I had a small inkling, aye."

"Small inkling." She scoffed and his small grin grew. He sat down on the lounge in the room and Rae stayed standing before him, ready to be put under his microscope.

"You wanna talk about Elsa?" His question threw her off.

"Um…"

"Do you wanna know why I waited nine months?"

"To not put the burden of your guilt on me." Rae knew why.

"Aye, but it was more than that." Finn wiped his palms n his jeans. He had been thinking about this for a while now. "It wasn't nothing that happened Rae." Finn said softly and Rae turned away, not really wanting to hear this. "A very… negative part of myself came out that night." He continued and Rae felt relieved. She really didn't want to know exactly what had happened with Elsa. "I went to her house and slammed her against a wall, with no sexual invitation from her. Even after she pushed me away I persisted." Rae turned back to him a look of shock on her face and he winced; he wished he'd never seen that look on her face. Like she was discovering something about him she didn't like. "I mean I did stop, obviously… but it took more than one attempt from Elsa." Rae could see the shame on his face. "I'm still not sure why she didn't report me to the police." Finn muttered.

"Because you didn't intend-"

"No, but it don't matter what me intent were do it?" Finn said fiercely, "What matters is what happened to her." Rae thought about this for a moment and nodded.

"But for Elsa, I think the intent does matter." Rae said with an apologetic shrug. "I think she knew that you would come to realise that what you did was wrong-"

"On so many fucking levels, Rae." Finn said sadly. "It were bad for her, it were bad for you… and aye, it were bad for me. But what matters most is-"

"Elsa." Rae said softly. "What Elsa felt matters most here." Rae understood and Finn nodded, "Well thankfully Elsa really has brushed it off and she's fine." Finn shook his head.

"I don't like that there's a part o' me that could do that." He whispered.

"But you did stop." Rae reminded him and Finn grimaced.

"Aye but I shouldn't o' started. She never gave me any kind of sign that she were sexually open to me." Finn rubbed his hands over his face.

"But if you weren't her student Finn, she would be." Finn thought about all the conversations Elsa and he had ever had and the fact that her body had responded to his. That she had had to stop him, even though part of her wanted to continue. Maybe there had been signs; it didn't matter, he shouldn't have behaved the way he had.

"It don't matter." He replied firmly. "I were so in the wrong." He told her, "I went there, only hours after we had broken up and I slammed her into a wall." Finn confessed everything. Rae felt her stomach lurch and she turned away again, wanting to experience her feelings without hurting him with the look on her face.

"Hours." She whispered sadly. She'd been apart from Finn for months before she finally, after trying every other source for comfort, went to Liam's bed. It had been triggered by Finn leaving, that was true, so she understood being triggered by emotions into self-medicating like this. But so soon…?

"I'm so sorry Rae." She tried to get her own emotions in check and examine the situation properly. It was still self-medication, either way… even if the timing Finn had used was appalling. She could understand self-medication and self-harm… She nodded slowly, wrapping her head around it. She could even understand acting poorly, out of character when you were in pain. She had done some pretty out of character things when she had first broken it off with Finn. Rae's out of character things had been the Backstreet Boys, and letting Liam kiss her even though he was with Amy, and so many other things; she really did understand that being in pain could make you act out of character.

"I don't think you do have a part of yourself that is like that Finn." Rae said simply, "I think you were in pain and you handled it poorly. A lot of people do that." She took a deep breath, and thought about Elsa's advice, "You're not that same person anymore." They both knew it was true, "If we're gonna make this thing work Finn, we gotta let go of the past… of the old versions of ourselves." She saw Finn's brows furrow in thought, "Elsa forgives you for being a twat… you should forgive yourself and move on. And never do it again."

"You don't need to worry about that." He reassured her.

"I don't worry about it. And I know I'm never gonna have to worry about it." Rae said firmly, "The Finn that goes after a woman to deal with his pain, and needs a little too much convincing to stop doesn't exist anymore does he?"

"No." Finn answered truthfully.

"And that's why Elsa didn't call the cops and forgave you. Cos from the moment you first pushed it like that, it were gonna be the last time you were gonna do it." Rae understood Elsa's thought process.

"Aye." Finn agreed. "Doesn't change what happened to Elsa." He said honestly, "We shouldn't forget that I am very lucky she didn't call the fuzz." Rae suddenly felt herself rolling her eyes.

"She didn't call the fuzz cos she saw you as daft little boy having a temper tantrum." Rae snapped, feeling as though she was almost channelling Elsa. "And that's exactly what you were; the hole in her wall will attest to that!" Finn looked up at Rae's face with surprise. "You've grown up since then. Don't throw what Elsa did for you back in her face by holding onto a Finn that no longer exists." Finn nodded slowly.

"You're right."

"Course I am." Rae snapped and Finn grinned at her.

"I like snappy Rae." He looked her up and down momentarily and lowered his eyes.

"Well I'm glad you like being put in your place, cos I don't intend to stop." Rae continued, "What you did to Elsa was utter shite, and yes you are lucky she didn't report you. But she made that choice for a reason. Prove her choice right."

"And then there's what it did to you…" Finn added, wanting to hear snappy Rae's comments on that too.

"You're a fucking arse for getting with another woman on the day we broke up." Rae snarked, "and especially with a woman you knew I looked up to." Finn lowered his head feeling that one burn more than when Rhys had pointed that out to him. "But I do understand it. I've done similar."

"Just cos you've done similar and you understand it, it don't mean it don't hurt." Finn answered gently.

"Aye." Rae agreed.

"I honestly believe I went to Elsa cos I knew she'd stop me for making an even bigger mistake." Finn said, "I didn't wanna self-destruct, I wanted to come back to you, I just didn't know how…"

"Well Kester was a good idea." She replied and Finn nodded. Rae reflected on the fact that both of them seemed to have developed feelings for thoroughly decent human beings that wouldn't let them self-destruct. She thought about how easily Phil could have had her that first night and knew how much she owed him for his restraint. She knew that Finn would never be forceful like he had been with Elsa again; he had seen something he very much did not like in that moment. She understood why he would never want to have her pretend to say no to him during sexual exploration and play. He had come a little too close to that whole world for his own liking. He never would have continued once she had said no, but he had persisted for too long, and all three of them knew it.

On the other hand, Rae did feel that there was no guarantee that either one of them would never self-medicate again, either like this or in a different way.

"When things hurt Finn, we gotta come to each other alright?" She told him, "We gotta resist the urge to self-medicate or self-harm…"

"Or self-annihilate." Finn added with a nod. "But I understand that you'll still need time alone when things hurt you. Just promise me you'll try to not hurt yourself during that time, alright?"

"Alright." She agreed, "We both gotta be kinder to ourselves."

"Aye." Finn agreed and looked down at his fingers as they fidgeted amongst themselves again. "Rae I'm real sorry about Elsa." He understood exactly why and how she was hurt and he hated that this had happened.

"I forgave you before I'd even had chance to process what I felt." She said honestly and his eyes shot up to hers gratefully. "Don't ever think that me needing time alone is a reflection on you, or me not forgiving you, or a sign we're in trouble." She tried to explain, "it's just all me life, I've repressed me feelings or medicated them with… cutting… or eating… or…" She shook her head, "Now I have to try and process them and let myself feel them… it's not easy."

"I can imagine." Finn felt like he was being let in to an even deeper level of Rae here and he paid close attention to what she was telling him.

"Sometimes me feelings do unexpected things or I just can't get me head around 'em or… there's a million things… and I'm always worried I'm gonna say or do something to hurt you. And you can be a bit fiery Finn, so I'm worried it'll escalate when it don't need to… I know when I can't get a grips of me emotions that sometimes I can say and do things that are hurtful, but I never mean 'em… and I don't want you to be on the receiving end of it." She said apologetically, "So… time alone is best."

"But then when you're alone, who is on the receiving end of it?"

"I dunno." Rae shrugged.

"You?"

"I s'pose."

"That's not being very kind to yourself Rae." Finn worried about her.

"Aye but I gotta be kind to both of us. And honestly Finn, alone is better than with people… the pressure I feel to deal with me emotions in the right way, makes me quite anxious. I keep thinking I'm letting you and Kester down if I don't get it right."

"That's bollocks, that is." Finn answered sadly.

"That's what's in me head Finn." Rae said in a small voice.

"I mean, it's not true that you're letting us down." Finn told her, "I understand it's mental illness that makes you think that way… When you do have those thoughts and feelings… give me a chance to counter it, yeah?" Rae nodded slowly, "Just tell me later on, when we're talking after your alone time, so I can tell you how proud I am of all the work you do on your recovery Rae." Rae knew she was going to cry if he said much more, and there was still so much to talk about before dinner.

"Thanks." But the tears came even though she tried to keep them back. She turned before he had chance to see them and walked to the window to look out. There was a long moment of silence and Rae gathered herself in that time, grateful that Finn was getting better at giving her these alone moments even when they were together.

"So… So how was the dinner?" Finn asked quietly, "I don't wanna know the details." Finn told her firmly, "just a general sort of answer will do." Rae thought about this for a moment.

"Alright." Rae said slowly, "well… It was very romantic… Quite perfect actually."

"Perfect?" Finn bit the inside of his mouth in thought.

"Well, it was the chip butties that mostly made it perfect…" Rae said with a grin.

"Phil really does know you, huh?"

"Well, we both knew that." Rae answered honestly as she turned back to him, and Finn nodded his head slowly.

"And romantic…?" He fidgeted with his fingertips for a moment.

"Aye, that's what I said." Rae was going to be completely honest with him, no matter how hard it was.

"I'm not very romantic am I?" Finn asked with a concerned face.

"Neither am I," Rae responded with a shrug, "don't worry about it. We can save doing that kind of thing for the important times."

"Every time is important with you." Finn lamented his lack of romanticism, he worried that he had not celebrated his relationship with Rae nearly enough. How would she have any idea of how important she was to him if he didn't show it, if he didn't celebrate their love?

"Finn, you're plenty romantic… and I don't really wanna go out on dates all the time. I much prefer hanging out together alone in your room, or mine… Where we can do whatever we want and just relax…"

"But sometimes," Finn said softly, "I'd like to… I dunno… be romantic."

"And sometimes you are." Rae reassured him, "You've got just the right amount of romance."

"Oh aye?' He grinned.

"Perfect amount." She sat down beside him and he took her hand. She stroked his face. "You knew I had feelings for Phil…" Rae remembered how she had reacted when Finn had said this to her previously. She'd been furious at him.

"Aye."

"I'm sorry I got so angry at you afore." She grimaced apologetically but Finn shrugged it off.

"'S'alright."

"No it's not." She countered firmly, but continued before he had chance to argue, "And you let me go to this dinner thing… knowing that I have feelings for him."

"I really just want you to be happy Rae. More than anything." This was the second beautiful young man that had shared this sentiment with her in the last 24 hours and Rae felt humbled and blessed by both of them; particularly Finn. "I so desperately wanna be with you but… your happiness is more important than what I want. So I wanted to you explore those feelings and…" He shrugged, "Find your happiness."

"I understand now." Rae marvelled at how Finn had changed in the year she had known him, "How did you do it…? How did you stay so calm when you knew I cared for him, and you knew he'd be telling me how he felt?"

"I actually knew you'd choose me, like you said" Finn answered with a sly grin, "even though you do have feelings for him, I do believe you Rae when you say you love me and that we're forever." Finn saw her eyes growing red and understood how she felt. It was the first time he didn't feel at all lost when it came to her emotions. "I just want us both to be actually honest about things like other people… and feelings for them. With each other, but more importantly with ourselves. Living your life lying to yourself isn't really living…" Finn truly believed this, "Even if the truth is painful or hard. So… I gave you the chance to find your truth. Knowing that you cared about him more than you realised, knowing he could make you happy, and knowing that there was a small chance you'd choose him…" Finn stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, "And I could do it because I know. I know we're meant to be together. I know it." The sureness in his voice was like blissful cold water on a boiling day to her. She had thought he doubted her love when he had 'accused' her of caring for Phil. But really he was showing just how sure of it he was by not being afraid to talk about it. He knew they could weather any storm; because their love, their relationship and commitment to each other, was that strong.

"Me too." She leaned forward and kissed his lips gently, still tentative and unsure about how they were going to move forward from here, after everything that had happened with Phil. But Finn seemed so unaffected by it all. "Do you need the same opportunity with Elsa?" Rae asked, trying to hide her anxiety. The thought of Finn with Elsa was still so much for her to handle. She marvelled at how Finn had handled everything. So selflessly. "Because if you do, I won't hesitate to let that happen." She added resolutely, overcoming her own fears for him.

"No." Finn answered nonchalantly, "I already know what's going on with Elsa cos I'm fully aware of how I feel about her."

"And…" Rae hesitated, she wasn't sure she wanted to know, but in the end curiosity won out, "how do you feel about her?" She asked almost silently.

"Exactly how you feel about Phil." Finn answered knowingly.

"So you think that she could have made you happy if you had never met me?" Rae asked and Finn nodded,

"Because you, Rae Earl, are the love of my life…" Finn answered.

"And even though, aye, I've got strong feelings for her, they aren't even a candle compared to-"

"You." Finn finished the sentence, his eyes locked on her, "it'll always be you."

"That's it." Rae whispered, "That exactly it."

"And I've known all of this for a while. But you…"

"I didn't know how I really felt about Phil." She said sadly.

"I think most people go through their lives like that Rae; not knowing how they truly feel. If it doesn't fit the ideal romantic love, it can't possibly be love… or at least not real love right?" He shrugged, "but love is love, even if it's small… no more or less than if it's huge… and you love Phil." Rae thought about what Elsa had been trying to say to her and nodded; she understood.

"You know me better than I know myself sometimes Finn."

"Oh aye, and you know me better than I know myself most of the time." He chuckled, "I also know that Phil is here to stay." Finn said with a grim smile, "and I'm alright with it. I understand that he gives you something that I can't."

"Finn you're my everything…" Rae felt stung by Finn's assertion.

"No listen," Finn took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes, "I'm fine, I get it. He's your Shakespeare right?" Finn hoped she understood what he was saying, she looked so concerned for him, "I'll never be that, it's just no me; it's no who I am."

"Finn…" Rae hated to hear him putting himself down like this.

"And that's ok!" He smiled reassuringly, "We're all allowed to be who we are Rae, and I'm never gonna be a Shakespeare guy… I like reading more now, but I'll never be as well read as him… And I have no desire to be." He let his hands drop to hers, "so go to him for that stuff, it's fine. Just like you go to Chlo and Izzy and Arch for different things, even Chop." Rae felt like she was starting to understand what he was saying; he wasn't putting himself down at all, he was simply accepting who he was. "And you got Tom and Rhys too now…." Rae understood that Finn wasn't saying that who he was wasn't good enough, just that who he was wasn't interested in all the same things she was, "You need Phil. He's got a lot to offer you…" Finn shrugged and that sly grin returned, "But he's not me."

"No he's not." Rae agreed, a small grin touching her lips, her eyes unable to leave his.

"I know." Finn said, "I know no one can offer you what I can." He stroked her face, "I get that now. He can never give you what I can. No one can." Rae nodded enthusiastically, glad that Finn understood how she felt about him, "I understand that even if you need other people. I'm still your sun. I'm still your water, your oxygen…it's still me that's number one to you. Even if Philip's a twat that reads you Shakespeare and he comes in a very close second place." He grinned, "And maybe he's a twat that sometimes… sometimes gives you more than just a Shakespeare reading." Finn said cautiously, not really wanting to hear if Phil did give her more than that. He wasn't quite ready for that yet; this was still new territory for him, and he was still learning. "You know, I kinda felt sorry for the poor guy when I sent him off to have dinner with you." Rae gave him an incredulous shake of the head and he shrugged, his sly grin returning cheekily, "I told him I'd fucked up and not a small fuck up; made sure he understood. Cos I knew, even though I'd fucked up; you'd still choose me. You and me are forever. And now he knows it too."

"You're my forever." Rae agreed.

"Aye. You're mine too." Finn took a moment to take her in, "And there's no one on this fucking planet, no matter how much of a nearly perfect fucking git he is… that can get in between us." Finn laughed slightly and Rae couldn't help but grin.

"You love him a little don't you?" She teased, expecting Finn to give her a disgusted look, but instead he looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I kinda love to hate him." Finn grinned, "he's bloody good competition! Keeps me at my best, on me toes. Rhys was right back at Summer Ball."

"You what?"

"He told me I liked fighting with Phil. He were right." Finn shrugged and gave a cocky grin, "I like beating him." Rae shook her head at his cocky demeanour.

"Oi, what if I had gone with Phil?" She teased.

"Then that would've meant he'd make you happy and what kind of an arsehole would I be to try and keep you with me if you were gonna be happier elsewhere?" Rae was struck by this and couldn't answer. "Don't get me wrong, there's nothing in this world I want more than to be happy with you. But Rae, that takes both of us, we both have to be happy for it to work. So if Phil was the one for you, then as much as it would kill me, I'd have let you go. Cos you deserve the best; whatever you decide that is." Rae practically leapt on him, kissing him deeply, momentarily forgetting the seriousness of the conversation they were supposed to be having.

"It's you. It'll always be you." She murmured through kisses. Finn pulled her closer, intoxicated by her lips, and the feel of her body against his. He laid back on the sofa, pulling her on top of him easily. They both enjoyed his strength as she made a surprised noise, but didn't take her lips off his. He loved the weight of her pressing his spine into the soft cushions of the couch, and Rae was almost completely past worrying that she was too heavy for him now and just laid on him, their stomachs pressed together, their feet tangling, her head going to his shoulder and his arms wrapping around her. They lay in silence for a long time, gently stroking each other and settling back into being together.

"There's still heaps to talk about Rae." Finn eventually said, not wanting to break the moment, but knowing only too well how important communication was to the health of their relationship. He still wanted to talk about where she wanted their relationship to go and wondered if she needed to talk about Elsa more and what happened in their session with Kester.

"Aye." She answered softly and snuggled into his chest, scooting down slightly so she could hear his heartbeat. He rested his chin on the top of her head and smiled contently. He'd be happy to stay like this forever. "You know, before I was with you," Rae's voice sounded far away and Finn knew she was lost in her own thoughts and feelings, "I thought about sex constantly. With every guy I saw…"

"I remember. Finn chuckled, "You basically said so at your mum's wedding."

"Aye I know!" Rae chucked with him, "How embarrassing!" He stroked her hair and shook his head.

"Don't be daft. It were the bravest thing I'd ever seen." Rae looked up at him and he nodded firmly to reiterate what he had said. She settled back in to listen to his heart beating.

"When we broke up, the first time, cos I couldn't get naked with you… and all that stuff happened with Liam… my libido pretty much died."

"Doesn't feel like it Rae." Finn teased and she kicked his shin gently in reply.

"Obviously not with you! Dickhead!" He grinned happily and Rae continued, "I meant before we got back together. I just thought that maybe my body wasn't for loving or touching or having sex." Rae felt raggedly sad when she thought about that time and Finn tightened his arms around her, "When we got back together, I still couldn't believe you wanted me… me…" Finn listened closely, knowing what she was going to say, but feeling the importance of this moment deeply. "I realise I've been feeling like you were an anomaly, Finn. An exception to the rule… I'd also been feeling like I could never want to be with another person because my body is not built for sex, or love… but mostly I've been feeling like no other person would want to be with me anyway. For the same reason." Rae stopped herself from picking at the loose cuticles around her nails. "I been thinking you're a freak for liking me. And that no one else ever could." She summarised.

"Well Phillip disproves that," Finn countered, understanding what Phillip had helped her discover and being happier than ever with his decision to accept Phil as a part of their life. He just wasn't sure in what way Phil was a part of their life yet. He didn't know what kind of continuing relationship Rae wanted with Phil.

"Yes he does." Rae agreed, and her voice took on an almost ashamed tone that Finn didn't like, "And Finn… I'm so sorry… but I wanted him so much." Finn felt his body tensing at the tone of her voice; he hated how ashamed she felt. That wasn't the plan, the idea was that she would come out of this being happy, not ashamed.

"It's ok Rae." He whispered soothingly.

"You don't get it Finn…" Her voice went up an octave and he knew she was almost crying, he tightened his arms around her comfortingly and listened, "I wanted him almost like I want you and he wanted me, just like you want me… And we…"

"No questions asked Rae." Finn said in a low calming voice. Rae looked up at him, stunned.

"No questions…?" She hadn't truly believed that he wouldn't want to know.

"Asked." He repeated. "I told you that you could do anything you wanted with Phil, no questions asked." He said firmly, "I don't need to know what you did. Just tell me about… this anomaly thing…" Finn redirected her and Rae lowered her eyes, putting her head back on his chest, unsure how she felt about this. She had been ready to tell him everything; to take his disappointment and anger, to beg for forgiveness if she needed to. "Anomaly thing." Finn repeated, reminding her to speak again, and she nodded, gathering her thoughts.

"Well… Phil… Phil wanting me exactly like you do… well…" Rae stuttered through the refocussing of her thoughts and the discussion.

"It showed you that I'm not an anomaly?" Finn helped her and she nodded.

"Knowing that you are not an anomaly, really knowing you're not the only person who could want and love me, and knowing that I could want to make love with other people. It was… I can't find the words…" Rae whispered.

"Healing." Finn murmured to her gently, understanding her completely.

"Aye…" Rae considered this, "healing." There was a moment of silence as Rae mulled that word over and Finn smiled, knowing that regardless of the outcome of all of this or what Rae and Phil had done, it had been the right thing for her; it had helped her on her journey towards healing what this world had done to her. He was happy. He felt like thanking Phil. "So now… knowing you're not the only one, it somehow makes me feel less terrified; I feel less like you're going to suddenly realise what you're with, and more sure of us. I feel like I'm more your equal in terms of desirability." Finn listened to what she was saying carefully, it was an absurd idea that she'd need Phillip to make her feel like she was good enough for him, but he understood it perfectly. "Being loved by Phil… by a Phil… makes me believe that I am deserving of a Finn, makes me able to believe that I actually have a Finn… that I deserve and have you."

"You know how I feel about that." Finn stroked her face.

"Like I'm better than you." She replied, "But that's so not true."

"Well I'm starting to feel more like your equal too Rae." He told her, "So you know, we're both making good progress." She liked the way he reassured her, it made her feel like they were in this together, "And I'm actually really glad that Phil could help you in this way." Rae could hear the honesty in his voice.

"But what if Phil and I are closer now… cos we kinda know each other differently now?"

"Then that's the way it is." Finn tried to show his support, but he needed to know in what way she wanted to stay close to him; so that he could mentally and emotionally prepare himself to give her whatever she needed. Rae heard a tone in his voice she didn't fully understand and started to fret.

"Are you feeling jealous?"

"I am a little." Finn admitted, "I'm not finished with this journey, you know? I'm still not completely there." He conceded unhappily, "But, it's not a bad jealousy, it's not gonna rub me the wrong way or nothing." Finn reassured her, "I do wish that it was only me that loved you and wanted you like that, and that I could help you feel the way he has helped you feel… But… but I'm glad for you that you experienced something like this." She was surprised by how much he sounded like he meant that, "That you know now that you are so beautiful, that it's not just me that adores you and your body. It's not just me that could ever touch you with love." Finn considered this for a moment and realised that, assuming Phil had gotten somewhere with Rae, that meant four men had touched Rae sexually, and two of them had done it harmfully. This thing with Phillip suddenly became more crucially important to him in his mind in terms of evening that horrific balance, "Plus I think it's important for both of us to know that you have options, and really good ones." He added honestly, "Phil's a really god guy who would make you very happy…" He felt Rae nodding and was surprised that her acknowledging this didn't set off any jealousy in him; he really was vastly improved in that regard. "If you know you got options, you know you don't have to just stay with me cos you worry no one else could ever love you."

"That's not why-"

"I know." Finn interrupted, "and if I know you know you got options, I also am privileged to know that you stay with me cos you wanna, not cos you got nowhere else to be." He continued, "I mean I already knew that… but with your self-esteem… it makes it 100% clear for you, and I really like that. I like that you know I'm not the only guy." Rae heard the passionate tone he was speaking with and smiled happily, "How could I ever be the only guy that would love you?" He put a hand under her chin and she looked up at him, "You'll always be loved by so many people Rae. And always the very best people. Because that's who you are. You're the best. And you need to know that, and seeing these other people loving you… well that'll do it."

"But this thing with Phil… I mean I really wanted to…"

"To fuck him?" Finn asked calmly and Rae nodded guiltily. "Well if you haven't already, and you really need to do that… then… ok… Just make sure you come back to me girl. Cos you and me is forever."

"You don't mean that." Rae said softly.

"Test it and see." Finn said firmly and Rae was surprised to see his resolve. He did mean it.

"I never thought I'd be the kind of girl who…"

"Oh Rae, don't say that kind of bollocks." Finn groaned, "What kind of girl is that?" Finn asked, "The kind of girl who is honest and true to herself and acknowledges that she has desires. And it's not like you get to choose who you love. The heart wants whatever the fuck it wants, and we get very little say in it. If you're very lucky you might get to choose to spend your life with someone your heart wants. At least you're the kind o' girl who's flippin' honest about it all." He said firmly and Rae had to grin at his grumpy facial expression.

"You're too good to me." She was simultaneously feeling both less and more guilty about the situation with Phillip and utterly perplexed. She was still worried that it would hurt Finn; that was her only concern.

"I understand why you'd wanna fuck Phllip." Finn shrugged.

"I'm glad you do, cos I don't." Rae retorted, "I love you more than me own life. How could I risk losing you for… for what exactly?"

"For something you needed." Finn said honestly, "And you will never lose me for that. Never." Finn asserted dominantly, "Cos if some part of you needs this Rae, then you're gonna bloody well have it." He told her, "I want you to have whatever you need. That is what I want and need…"

"Do you wanna fuck someone else?" Rae asked, sitting up, a dark suspicion entering her head: perhaps he didn't mind her messing around with Phillip because he wanted to mess with other girls?

"Nope." Finn answered.

"Then why would you be ok with me doing it?"

"Let's clear this whole thing up Rae." Finn sat up too, "I'm not necessarily ok with either of us fucking around." Her eyes didn't leave his as he spoke, "What I am ok with though, is you having whatever you need… even if that includes fucking around, alright?" He asked, but Rae could not reply, "It's a different mindset." He continued, "Ideally, I'd like for us to only ever fuck each other. To only share that intimacy with each other. But that might not happen for multiple reasons." Finn wished they were still lying down together but he focussed his mind and ploughed on, "Even our sexual exploration might move us towards a threesome or something like that. But more importantly, if you honestly need to be worshipped by another person to feel… complete, desirable… whatever need it fills… I'm not the kind of man that will deny you anything you need. I want you to understand that."

"Part of me definitely wants it." Rae admitted guiltily, "I don't know if I need it though."

"Well, when it comes to your wants, I'm inclined to just give you whatever you want as well. You Rae, have gone without the things you have needed and wanted for too long… I won't be a person that will willingly continue that."

"What about what you want and need?"

"Yeah I been thinking about that." Finn nodded, "I will take care of myself too, don't worry. And I'm doing that by taking care of you Rae, cos I need you." She looked at his earnest face and furrowed her brows, "I need you more than I need air… So I'll do whatever I can to keep you happy and wanting to choose to be with me. So… whatever you need is my mantra. We need to talk very openly about all of this kind of stuff mind, especially about our feelings to make sure we're both ok at all times."

"Alright." Rae said slowly, still processing everything he had said.

"So if you're closer to Phillip now… alright. And if you wanna be closer still… Well let's talk about that, and what you need."

"No." Rae said firmly, "I've made my decision in regards to Phil." She told him, "I wanna be closer to you; that's what I'm focussed on. I don't want the same type of closeness with Phil."

"Well if you ever change your mind, or have needs… talk to me about it." Finn urged her and she nodded her head.

"I will try to be more aware of my own feelings in the future so that if… I develop feelings for someone else, I know about it, and don't torture us all for months." She grinned knowingly at Finn and she saw how much he loved her in the way he returned the grin, "And we can talk about it."

"Honesty about all of this stuff is all I ask Rae." Finn reiterated and she nodded. "And I guess also that you know yourself and make informed choices about where you wanna go with this stuff." He added.

"Just like you made a fully informed choice to be with me." Rae knew Elsa had helped him come to terms with how difficult it would be for him to be with her; because of the way people treated her.

"I hope you've made a fully informed choice to be with me." Finn asked and was glad to see her nod.

"I have." She was smiling fondly, but sadly now, "So where do we go from here?" She asked, the sadness overtaking her face now, "How do we rebuild our relationship?"

"No need to rebuild, we're fine." Finn was surprised by her question, "We figured out some new things is all." He shrugged.

"But Finn…" Rae felt he didn't fully understand, "This is a part of me; I'm needy." She said it with so much regret and disgust that Finn instantly took her hands to try to let her know that there was no need to feel that way.

"Everybody has needs, Rae."

"Yeah but not like me… There's this part of me that will always want Phil." Her voice dropped so low that Finn had to lean forward to hear her, the shame in her tone bothering him, "and I'm afraid I'll want the next guy that shows interest too."

"Phil isn't just some guy that showed interest." Finn countered, ready to point out that she could have fucked hot Mike if she was just going to go after every guy that showed interest, but Rae cut in.

"I'm needy Finn!" She said louder, "I have this low self-esteem that's not going to just magically get better, no matter how much love you pour into me."

"I know that Rae, that's why-"

"And I know my self-hatred is getting better but… it's not gone…" She continued as if he hadn't spoken, "And I don't know if I'll ever be completely better. I don't know if I'll ever be without this neediness…"

"And that's okay Rae." Finn answered immutably, more sure than ever of the direction he was trying to steer them in, "If you need sex and love from others occasionally that that's okay I don't wanna take that from you, especially if it's building your self-esteem." His voice was powerful, so sure, his face filled with compassion and love.

"But Kester says I'm not supposed to get my self-esteem from others." Rae answered in a small voice.

"Alright, aye, that's true…" Finn agreed, "But it's a process innit? A journey…" Finn reasoned, "You're not there just yet. You still need help with your self-esteem from external sources… but you're working on it being all internal right?" Rae nodded, "One day you might get there and not need any help from outside yourself at all… and maybe you never will get there. Either way, I'm not gonna deny you something you need, because theoretically, one day, in the future you might not need it. Besides sex isn't always about needing love or fulfilment or self-esteem from others. Maybe you just like sex." Finn shrugged.

"Well I do, but-"

"Look Rae, whatever you need I'm there, so there's no point debating it." He stroked her face, "if you need to climb Mount Everest; I'm fucking there for you girl. You said you need to see Ta Prohm before you die? Alright girl, I will make it happen… don't have the money right now, but I promise you that we will get there. If you need to have multiple partners, well I'm less excited about that than Mount Everest or Ta Prohm, I won't lie, but I'm still there for you. Sometimes you'll need a moment with someone else; everyone does. There's office flirting, flirting with your waiter, giving the eye to someone at the gym… Everyone needs to feel attractive. Everyone needs to feel that thrill. Maybe your needs are more physical and maybe your needs need to be attended by more than one person." Finn tried to make her understand, "Whatever you need is exactly what you will have from now on. Even if that's Phil. I am here for you Rae. Always."

"Always." Rae repeated and felt those tears she had been holding start to flow.

"You know Rhys taught me a quote when I was 13 and had me first crush, it goes like this: 'you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.' It's by um, Thich Nhat Hanh I think…?" He wished he was sure of his memory, "Anyway, I always really loved that idea, but that's not good enough for me, I don't want you to just feel free, I want you to be free. Cos that's part of what I fell in love with. Who you are when you're at your freest… so you are free to make whatever choices you want. Whatever you need, whatever you want… if it's in my power to give it to you – it's yours. No limits, no questions. Yours." He paused, still needing to know if she wanted Phil as well.

"So in regards to Phil… I don't want you to deny yourself something you want for me."

"I didn't do it for you." Rae answered sadly, "I did it for me. I hate that I didn't do it for you." She lowered her eyes, "It was a completely selfish decision."

"Good." Finn was relieved, he was sure Phil was just her friend, and now he was sure that she had made the decision for the right reasons. But he wanted to make sure she was ok now. "How much do you love him?" He asked delicately.

"Not enough for you to worry about." Rae tried to make sure Finn didn't feel threatened.

"I already knew that." He soothed, "I meant do you love him enough for it to hurt."

"Yeah."

"It hurt to say no to him." Finn mumbled and Rae nodded her head. "A lot?" She looked away and Finn took a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed."

"No you were right to push," She answered without looking back, "I didn't realise I loved him till it was thrust in my face. But he's the candle… you're my sun." She reassured him.

"I know. I understand."

"Yeah. Elsa." Rae was still jealous of Elsa, but she had to admit that even she had a crush on Elsa.

"You know Rhys and Chloe are in an open relationship." Finn offered gently.

"So?" Rae asked perplexed.

"I dunno if you wanna try that…?"

"What?" Rae was stunned and Finn suddenly realised that it must look like he wanted the open relationship so he could go after Elsa.

"Not for me." He reassured her, "For you… cos you love that twat and I… I don't wanna make you unhappy by having to say no to him." He offered this to her freely, selflessly. But Rae shook her head.

"No Finn." Her voice was thick with emotion, "alright? No."

"You know, you don't have to choose; we can come to an arrangement." Finn prodded, wanting to make sure.

"No we can't." Rae said firmly.

"Rae, I'm not jealous anymore, I understand."

"I know you're not, but I am." Rae retorted, "I think it's amazing that you're working through all your jealousy and stuff, but I'm not there yet and the thought of someone else touching you makes me…" But both Rae and Finn knew exactly where jealousy came from; it was all a self-esteem issue. The main reason she wasn't open to even discussing the concept or possibility of an open relationship was her self-esteem. "I'd wonder how much better she was than me."

"No one's better than you Rae."

"Then why would you need her?" Rae asked unfairly. She shook her head, seeing the flaw in her logic, understanding it in her head, but her gut couldn't let go of it. He'd spent the last hour explaining to her why she might need Phillip and why it was okay… but the thought of another woman with him… "I keep telling myself it's not a competition like Elsa said, but I think every other woman on the entire planet is better than me…" Finn felt his insides hurting for her, for how she hated herself still, "So I'm not ready for you to go getting on with other girls. It's entirely low self-esteem driven I understand that. But there is also the selfish reason of enjoying having you all to myself; I like to dominate your time like I do." Finn nodded.

"I enjoy that too." He grinned, "You know that's what I want most, for it to be just us. But my self-esteem isn't hurt if you need others too. Just for future reference, ok?"

"Well my self-esteem is too low for anything that is not monogamy Finn." Rae answered.

"But it is getting better." Finn reminded her and she nodded slowly.

"Aye it is… and if it ever gets up there, where I could handle something like that… I guess we might have to revisit this topic. But for now, and the foreseeable future… it's just you and me. Alright?"

"More than alright." Finn grinned, "But… I'll make a mental note that we'll discuss this again if you ever get to it."

"Or when." Rae said, "Let's be optimistic about my growing self-esteem." She joked.

"Or when." Finn grinned, "And you know, it's not a deal breaker, I mean if you don't want monogamy; it's not a deal breaker for me; I'm not in the business of denying us our needs… or denying us anything that might bring us joy or pleasure, you know? As long as we are always the central relationship and we build a life together and we have this love just between us." Finn had obviously thought about this and Rae realised that Finn expected that her and Phil had slept together, and was prepared for her being so in love with him that she couldn't say no to him. Rae pushed Finn back down on the lounge and laid on him again, glad to feel his arms around her.

"The thing that makes me happiest in this whole world Finn, is us having our own exclusive, intimate club, with its own secret language." Finn grinned happily as she began to trace words on him.

_I love you so much_

Finn started to trace words on her back and Rae read them all, her body tingling with joy. She felt so close to him, and they felt so right together; like they were built for each other. They definitely were two jigsaw pieces with a perfect fit. It wasn't long before they were kissing again, both feeling like they had said all they could on this topic for now, neither sure if they should end up in bed just yet.

_'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole_

Phillip hadn't had a chance to simply sit in a calm quiet place; as soon as he got home his mother had grilled him for details of the competition and he had informed her of his win in a monotone, barely able to muster up basic pleasantness. Then it was violin practice and back home for dinner. Phillip had been in an exhausted numb state of searing emotional pain that he had not been able to escape since leaving the hotel room. He couldn't see a future for himself in which he wouldn't have some level of this emotion inside of him at all times.

He had dreamed too wildly, aimed too high. He knew that. But how could he not wish for her? He wouldn't allow himself to relive the moments that his fingertips touched her skin. Not yet. He'd have only those memories to live on for a very long time. And he didn't want to remember her so clearly when he could not feel anything positive in his soul. When he thought of her he wanted jolts of love and positivity to run through him; he was not capable of the positivity just yet. The love though… it was there. Always there. More than once he had wished for it to just stop.

"I hope this drama thing was worth missing three days of College for." His father cast an unimpressed eye upon him.

"Phillip won the competition." His mother chimed in and Phillip looked down at his full plate of food, unable to even consider eating something. He hadn't eaten all day, and he knew he'd have to eat eventually; but he truly had no desire to eat. His brain told him he was too numb to feel anything, even hunger.

He tried to not let his mind wander over those moments of closeness and he closed his eyes, desperately trying to control himself in more than one way.

"He'd be better served winning engineering awards, not pathetic drama things." His father was retorting to his mother. Phil almost felt that maybe he'd have been better off to have never left the prescriptive line his father had mapped out for him. Had he stuck to that line, he never would have really bothered to get to know Rae; she was not the kind of girl his father wanted him to marry.

But then he never would have had the magic of her friendship. Then he never would have fallen I love so deeply with anyone… or had those moments… of intimacy… he would not let himself think about them.

If he did. He would not be able to stop himself. The emotions that were hidden deep within him would force their way out and he had no idea how to deal with this much pain.

He had even thought that he didn't know how any human could experience pain like this and survive it. And yet he knew humans did. He knew most humans experienced more pain that he had. He knew that there were many humans who would happily trade places for him; swap heartaches. But today he struggled to have the empathy and sympathy he normally had for other people.

Today he only felt her fingers on his cheek and a deep open wound in his chest; there was no other feelings in all of the word. He could not handle other feelings. Numbness and that hollowed out agony. And an attempt to not feel the softness of her fingertips on his cheek. That was all he could manage right now. He really didn't want the feel of her touching his face associated with this pain, and he tried to focus his exhausted mind away from Rae, but as soon as he did, it was back to his parents bickering about his unnatural obsession with drama.

Losing hope was really one of the cruellest things a human being can go through. The human spirit can endure many things and come out the other side, damaged but intact. People can be trodden on, abused, go through war and trauma and endless suffering, and if they have hope that things will get better, hope that someone will come, hope that they will be heard… then they can survive it. Humans could survive anything if they had hope.

But take hope from a human, and they crumbled.

Phil had had a great chunk of his hope taken from him. All of his hope for love. But he still had hope for being an actor, for getting out of this fucking house. He just had no hope for even knowing the kind of love he so longed for.

The loss of that hope was like a physical blow, an open wound in his chest. He felt like he was sitting at the dining table with his parents bickering, with his chest cavity ripped open, his heart exposed and beating painfully in his shattered ribs.

He had known it was coming, but it had not lessened the violence of the wound, the brutality of the loss.

He had heard poets say that often you didn't know how much you loved someone until you lost them. This wasn't true; he had known exactly how much he loved Rae all along. He just hadn't had any clue how much it would hurt to not be able to spend his life with her. He had thought he'd known, thought he had prepared himself for it. But his defences had been completely overwhelmed. He was overwhelmed.

Every time he looked down at himself he honestly expected to see his organs, his chest reefed open, mangled flesh and bone hanging from him.

But he was somehow physically intact. His heart kept beating, his lungs breathing inside his chest. His brain never shut up, even though it felt abnormally silent. Sometimes he felt swollen, like his body was twice its size, swollen with this emotion. And at the same time he felt tiny, like a speck of dust, floating, lost in the air currents. Nothingness awaiting him wherever he landed.

Phillip suddenly noticed that his parents were silent. He looked up and saw them staring at him.

"Pardon?" He realised one of them had asked him something.

"Are you alright?" His mother asked, clearly concerned.

"Fine." Phil answered his lips feeling anaesthetised. His mother put her napkin on the table and got up. His father rolled his eyes.

"All that melodrama at your camp has gotten into you has it?" He asked in a derogatory tone.

"That sounds like me." Phil shrugged, not really caring if his father was on the verge of writing him off. But his mother came to him and put her hand on his forehead like she used to when he was a small boy and he wasn't feeling well. Phil felt a stab of pain in his guts and was amazed he could feel any more pain right now. He was made acutely aware of the mother he had lost when his father's wealth had destroyed their family. Her loving touch made tears start in his eyes and he knew he had to leave the room immediately. He tried to stand but his mother pushed him back down in the chair gently and Phil was surprised at how little it took for her to make him sit; he felt physically weak.

"Phil you're burning up." His mother sounded so concerned but Phil shook his head, his brain oddly feeling like it was sitting in a bowl of jelly and taking too much time to catch up with his skull as he moved.

"I feel fine." He told her with a shrug.

"Phil," His mother fretted uncontrollably "we need to take you to hospital."

"I'm fine." Phil said to as much to himself as her, "I don't feel anything." This oddly painful, yet comforting numbness had spread throughout him and he clung to it like a life raft in a brutal storm at sea. He stood up, his mother letting him this time, "May I be excused?" He barely felt his mouth move; standing up had made the room swim.

"Phil!" His mother's tone was panicked, but Phil barely noticed. His brain was so out of synchronicity with his head and he noticed how weak his body felt, and how the room seemed to be tilting extravagantly. "Did you have the room re-decorated?" He almost laughed. The lack of food or water, the high fever, the pain in his body carefully overlaid with a numbness that actually did very little to mask the pain… Phil's body gave up and demanded he stop. And stop he did. Quite suddenly.

He heard his mother crying out as he crashed down to the floor and then it was all gone. Unconsciousness enveloped him.

_'Big Empty' by Stone Temple Pilots_

That night Rae and Finn were looking at changing their script in a similar fashion to the way her and Phil had, although comedy didn't call for such intense realism in the acting, Rae still felt it would pay off and Finn agreed. It had taken no time at all for her to explain the shift in focus when acting characters in the way she had with Phil; Finn had understood it intuitively.

"That makes so much more sense!" He laughed as Rae explained the technique. "All that fucking motives shite!" Finn shook his head and Elsa raised a single eyebrow, her usual sardonic air muted by her illness. Sam was snivelling in a corner and the twins listened closely to Rae, while Amy glared at Sam as if he had chosen to get sick. "I mean no one sits there and actually thinks about their fucking motives… so why do we act characters in that way?" Finn had not seen Elsa's expression; he was studiously not looking at her.

"Except for people in therapy." Rae countered, "People in therapy think about motives all the time."

"Very true." Finn agreed, "But how many people are in therapy?"

"Not enough." Rae admitted and she caught Amy rolling her eyes. But Rae found she could ignore it. All those times Chloe had told her to ignore what other people thought; advice Chloe herself had struggled to take, and finally Rae was mastering that useful skill.

They had all gotten the running order and Rae and Finn were third last; another awful positon, but twins had gotten last before lunch, which was worse, even though Rae and Phil had won it from that position, and Amy and Sam were second first.

Elsa had noted Finn's lack of eye contact, the fact he kept his head turned away from her and understood what he was doing. She had seen the behaviour a while ago with Chloe after Chloe had kissed Finn.

Sam excused himself as soon as dinner was finished and Amy followed him up to the rooms, probably to make him run lines, even though he looked like he needed to sleep. The twins followed; wanting to re-write their script too. But Rae had brought their script to the table and she and Finn were already set here, so they were intending to stay, knowing that Elsa would head to bed soon. But as soon as the twins were out of earshot, it was Rae who decided to address the tension.

"You know she's not Chloe, we're not the same people as we were back then… you don't have to ignore Elsa for months to make me feel better." Elsa was impressed with Rae's confidence. She had come so far; there weren't many people who would be brave enough to say something like that, especially not in front of a person they admired like Rae admired Elsa.

Finn's jaw dropped and his eyes shot to Elsa for the first time, as if trying to make sure Rae knew Elsa was still there. Rae waited for either Finn or Elsa to speak, and Elsa remained silent, knowing it was Finn who had to reply. Finn looked between Elsa and then Rae, his eyes lingering on Rae before he lowered them in thought.

"Yeah I know." He mumbled, "It's a very different situation with Elsa innit?"

"Aye." Rae replied honestly. Finn wiped his palms on his jeans uncomfortably. "But Elsa and I have already talked about his topic." Rae said and Finn raised his eyes to Rae, but Rae couldn't read his expression.

"You talked about it?" His eyes went from Rae to Elsa and back again, clearly anxious about what had been said. And then he shook his head; why was he worrying about what a particularly sensible and wise woman like Elsa would say? And he knew the kind of things Rae would say; he had mostly gotten her figured out and he was immensely proud of himself for that. He knew he'd never have her 100% figured out, and that was ok; he'd done a much better job than he'd thought he ever could. He watched Elsa roll her eyes before wiping her nose with a tissue.

"We did." Rae answered.

"I don't know if I expected that or not." Finn looked down at the table and Elsa sighed.

"You two need to be focussing on the competition. So let me put this to sleep now." Elsa said in a grumpy tone. "You both want this relationship to last forever, right?" they both nodded their heads, "Now I can't say that I completely understand that urge, but I can say, that honestly, if you wanna get the whole lasting forever thing happening, you have both got to stop freaking out about things; either big or small. And this is a particularly small thing." Elsa cleared her throat painfully and continued on, "We're not talking about the typical male gaze bullshit, where the guy can't keep his eyes off other women and clearly has no respect for the woman's feelings about it… we're talking about normal human attraction that you two are fretting about." She held Finn and then Rae in her gaze, "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: no one on this planet is attracted to just one person, there's always someone and usually there's more than one someone. And if you want the next 70 years together you better get used to that idea." She said brusquely and Rae and Finn exchanged a glance; they knew she was right; they said as much to each other already. "So I suggest you perve together." Elsa finished brashly, and was greeted by two people giving her confused, incredulous looks.

"You what?" Finn asked, Rae had been about to say the same thing.

"It's simple really." Elsa looked round the restaurant and found a moderately attractive male serving a table. "What d'you two think about him?" She was obviously tired and wanting to get her point across quickly. "For me, his jaw is way too weak… but he still passes."

"This feels a little wrong… judging people and stuff…" Rae answered and Elsa nodded.

"Oh please, we all judge people based on how they look, constantly. That's what attraction is. The problem isn't that we judge people, the problem is that 1. Our ability to judge fairly and accurately has been fucked up by advertising and porn and the fucking media in general. 2. That we often treat people differently based on whether we'd fuck them, and that is never ok. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic human respect and decency, no matter how attractive we think they are. And 3. We forget that this is merely our opinion, and that means that it is not necessarily true. Someone I find attractive will be ugly to someone else and that is awesome. I support diversity in attraction, because so often," she turned her eyes to Rae, "It's fat girls like us, or girls who aren't white that are on the outside of what is considered attractive by mainstream media. We need to encourage people to not be afraid to be attracted to people outside of media imposed 'norm.'" Elsa eyed the waiter as he moved around, "People judge everyone that they see, even if on a subconscious level, to ascertain whether they are a threat to our lives; our brain is constantly making snap decisions on how safe we are, and also on how fuckable a person is. It's true that people don't judge consciously as much as they do subconsciously, but if we're being honest; we do still do it. So you two should learn to do it together." She looked back over at the waiter, "So what do you think Rae?"

"I s'pose he's alright. You're right about his jaw." Rae grinned guiltily and looked at Finn. Elsa also turned her eyes to Finn.

"And what do you think?" Finn hesitated and Elsa rolled her eyes again, "oh come on Finn, I asked your opinion, not to suck his dick."

"I don't see what's wrong with his jaw." Finn looked like he was really unsure of what he'd said.

"Fair enough." Elsa nodded towards a woman sitting on the other side of the restaurant. "Now she is divine." Elsa eyed the woman and a small grin crept over her lips.

"I really like her hair." Rae nodded, "and she has really nice lips." Finn furrowed his brows, knowing it was his turn but worrying about what Rae would feel if he said what his first thought had been.

"You think her breasts are bit small for you." Elsa said astutely and Finn blushed. Elsa gave Rae a cheeky grin and Rae chuckled. Finn nodded and then shook his head.

"This is fucking weird." He muttered.

"We're always taught that we're not supposed to be attracted to anyone other than the person we're with. That's an impossible standard to live up to and it's guaranteed to make you both miserable because lying to yourself never works out well; eventually it'll catch up with you."

"Yeah and there's more than one way to lie to yourself." Rae nodded slowly and looked at Finn. "Is there anything you like about her?" She asked and then looked back at the woman. Finn considered this for a moment and shrugged.

"I can see she's pretty enough, but if I were single, I wouldn't hit on her." Finn shrugged.

"Is there someone here, not at this table, that if you were single, either one of you would consider having sex with?" Elsa asked and watched them both scan the room. Rae nodded towards a man who had just entered the restaurant and Finn found himself eyeing him curiously.

"I see it." He agreed and Rae grinned, watching him look around the room.

"Yeah maybe her." He nodded towards a woman sitting with a man, clearly having an intimate dinner. Rae took her in. She was thin and that always tugged at Rae, but then she looked at Elsa and remembered that Finn would try it on with her given the right circumstances and was reminded that Finn liked all sorts. "And her." He nodded towards a woman who was quite a bit larger than Rae walking through the restaurant to the exit. Rae grinned; the larger woman was less confronting to her self-esteem. But in all honesty, Rae could see how both women were attractive.

"They're both beautiful." Rae admitted and Finn shrugged, his eyes turning to her.

"Nothing compared to you." He told her honestly.

"Now you two, I'm not saying you should be on the lookout for people you'd hit on if you were single, just that you should admit it, and talk to each other comfortably, when you do see attractive people." They both nodded thoughtfully in response, "It's all about taking the mystery or fear out of your partner possibly being attracted to other people. By being upfront and honest about it, you take out that layer of anguish from monogamy."

"How many monogamous relationships have you been in?" Rae asked curiously.

"Ugh, too many." Elsa said with disdain. "And even though I have no intention of ever being in one again, I do understand how they work for some people. It's nice to be in your own club of two." She smiled, "I'm personally in my own club of twelve, and I prefer that… but it's not for everyone."

"But is still its own faithful club tough." Finn said, "It's the same thing but with a few extra people."

"That's how some polyamorous relationships work, definitely, and that's where I'm at, at the moment, but I'll probably move back into being single with regular lovers. I don't like having to answer to anyone, you know?" She shrugged, "I like being independent. Very independent."

"Fair enough." Rae said with an admiring tone and Finn cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Look, the bottom line is monogamy really works for some people but not for others, and it's a lot more people than you think. Divorce is on the rise and people are a lot less willing to hang around in relationships they are not happy in. And I really think that a lot of the reason this is happening is because monogamy really isn't for everyone, they just don't know that." She shrugged, as if to say 'people don't know themselves' and then looked them both in the eye carefully, "you're both young, you both have options, and life is very, very short. Way too short to be doing something that's not right for you, just because it's what everyone else does. If monogamy is right for you, you follow that, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But likewise, if it's not right for you, then you two need to figure out what is the right life, the right relationship, for both of you. Don't ever just follow the well-trodden paths just because everyone else does and it's what's expected of you. You must choose what is right for you above all else." She watched a thoughtful expression come over both of their faces and knew that they really would choose their own path, regardless of societal or family pressures and expectations. "Anyway," Her voice croaked and she sipped some water, wiped her nose and continued, "You two need to work on all of these secret parts of yourselves and relationships that people like to pretend don't exist. Because you're in love, but that's no guarantee of the future you want. People sometime break apart for no reason… sometimes they stay together for no reason too." Rae was reminded of what Phil had told her and again thought about the similarities between Elsa and Phil. "You don't know what's coming. You never will. But the more miles you put in now, the more chance you'll have to be strong enough to weather all of the coming storms, no matter what they are."

_Dear Diary_

_These past few days have been quite difficult and emotional._

_I don't know how I feel about Finn not wanting to know about Phil. _

_I don't know how I feel about how Finn and I are going; this whole night he's been really good, but I keep expecting him to crack and be angry at me. But nothing. He's watching tv, lounging in the big king sized bed, knowing that Phil and I have been in this room… He's made it obvious that he'd like to make love tonight, and I'm sure we will; I want to. But it's so strange after everything that happened with Phillip, to just be slipping back into being with Finn as if nothing happened. _

_It's exactly what Phil had said would happen; he left the room and now everything returns to normal. _

_I keep thinking I should feel guilty for the time Phil and I shared. But I don't. I don't regret one moment of it. I love Phil, and I'm so glad I had that momentary fairy-tale with him…_

_It were like a dream, for a while._

_I only worried that it would hurt Finn, and now, knowing that it hasn't, I feel no remorse for it._

_And returning to Finn is like coming home. I belong with him; I don't doubt or question the decision I made for a second; we are the jigsaw pieces that fit together perfectly. I just expected to have some consequences for what happened with Phil; even though Finn had told me there would be none. _

_I worry that the consequences will enact themselves on Finn or Phil, when they should be on me. _

_I'll have to keep an eye for it and make sure that if any shit is gonna hit the fan for it, that shit lands on me and not on my lads. _

_Although Phil's not technically me lad… he kinda technically is as well cos he's always gonna love me._

_Why do I deserve this?_

_I mean I know that I'm not the worst person in the world… but am I so good as to deserve the love of two such excellent human beings? _

_I understand now why it was that I was so anxious about the situation with Phil and Finn, a lot of it had to do with me feeling like I didn't deserve so much attention. And a lot of it had to do with the thought that I would lose both of them and I didn't want to lose either of them._

_As much as I love Phil, and as happy as we could have been as a couple, I need him as my friend. Because of what he gives me, especially in terms of me writing, which is so important to me._

_And as much as I love Phil, Finn is my man, and he always will be; he gives me life._

_But it's not just the Phil thing that Finn and I are wading through right now, there's also the Elsa thing. I think he was expecting more consequences from me too. I think he thought that I'd still be real angry with him or that I'd need time apart, like a temporary breakup, to overcome this. Just because he seems real happy with how I'm coping with Elsa._

_I can't say that I'm happy with what happened; that he was so rough with Elsa, but I can say that I really don't care that something did happen. _

_Which I am amazed by. _

_I thought this would eat me up forever; that I'd have to spend months and months working to keep it under control._

_It's Elsa._

_And Finn._

_But I'm ok._

_I understand why her. On every level, from the physical attraction to the fact that she rally was as safe choice for him. I have never really thought of myself as into girls; but I'd make an exception for Elsa. So I get it. _

_And I understand the feeling of loving someone else, even though you're in love with another person. _

_Obviously._

_I'm learning that life is not like in the fairy-tales. And thinking it is or should be is a super fast-track to disappointment and misery._

_Love is never that simple._

_Relationships are never that simple._

_No one is ever purely good. _

_We say these things like we understand them, but are still taken by surprise when they are proven true._

_There's no such thing as a perfect moment, a perfect person, a perfect relationship: there's always something._

_But sometimes that something doesn't have to be a big deal._

_If you can possibly manage to be honest, and to see it from their perspective._

_I see you Finn, I see what's happened with Elsa, and I understand it. This isn't a deal breaker, this isn't a big deal because I choose to make it something small._

_We'll always need to talk about things like this; but being attracted to other people, loving other people… this can't touch us. _

_And while I'm revelling in us maintaining the monogamy, for more than just my self-esteem (I truly do love having him all to myself), the concept of polyamory or an open relationship or even shit like threesomes are not threats to us, to our relationship. They may or may not happen. We may or may not stay monogamous forever. _

_I honestly don't care and I never thought I'd say that. But it's just that I know we'll talk it through and I know we'll take care of each other and I know we'll always do what's best for both of us. And mostly – I know we're strong. _

_Nothing can touch us._

_'Never Tear Us Apart by Inxs_

They awoke in each other's arms on Thursday morning, quite a bit earlier than intended, both feeling well rested and ready for the competition. The twins had agreed to cover for them and Kristi had even managed to get Amy to agree to go along with it. Sam was resolutely silent on the whole matter, not saying one way or the other if he would go along with it; claiming illness and wrapping himself up in his bed early and not talking to anyone until morning.

They had awoken almost simultaneously and smiled sleepily at each other. They had ended up talking for a while after dinner and then falling asleep in each other's arms without making love; the stress and tension of the past few days catching up with both of them.

Without a word Finn stroked the hair from her face; the way he always did and looked at her with love in his eyes. And she truly saw his expression properly for the first time. So many times she had had it proven to her that he loved her, and she had believed it for quite some time now. But there had always been the part of her that believed she didn't deserve him, believed that she was a fat girl, usurping the fit lad from the fit girls and eventually she'd be found out. Finn had worked hard for months to make her see how beautiful she was, and there had been glorious moments of clarity, of burgeoning self-esteem, of believing she was sexy. But they had been moments, blips on a radar. But now she felt it; an unending permanent sense of self-worth. It was still tiny, but it was there. It had taken knowing that she truly was loveable, knowing that Finn really wasn't an anomaly to make her feel like she was worth something; even just a little. She knew what Kester would say about this, about finding self-worth from within not from outside of herself. But right now she didn't care. Because for the first time in her life, as Finn looked at her with that love in his eyes, she felt like she deserved love.

There was still the underlying issues with Phil and Elsa to slowly work through, and the slight touching the idea of possibly opening up their relationship in the far distant futures, guilt that they both felt over various things they had both done, and all sorts of things to work through, right from the beginning of their relationship; they'd address it all in minute detail. But right now, in this moment, she finally knew that she deserved him. Not just the words, but deep down in her bones she knew it; she deserved to be loved by someone like Finn.

She leaned forward to kiss him and he gladly returned the kiss; happy that she was feeling this moment too. Finn felt like they had conquered Everest; if they could go through something like Phil and Elsa and still look at each other like this, then there was literally nothing other than death itself that could separate them. He'd known for a while that they'd survive anything; it was nice to have this confirmation. He found that he genuinely did not care what happened with Phil; it was part of a journey she had to go through. He felt lucky to have been around to help her through it. And whether she had finished that journey completely or not he didn't know, nor did he care; he'd help her through that too and any other journey she needed to go through to find herself. Elsa talking to them about wanting forever and that they needed to stop worrying about things had really hit home with Finn. He found himself more and more letting go of the idea of what he was supposed to do and what she was supposed to do and what a relationship was supposed to be and found himself feeling more and more committed to her and to them exploring this love and this life together, and letting the journey take them where it may; they could handle t, whatever it was.

There was a calmness between then, and between kisses they would stop to stare at each other, feeling the energy between them; as if their souls were connected. And every time they would both smile contently, knowing that this is where they belonged.

They spent a long time kissing and touching each other before Finn gently pulled her to him and hitched her leg over his hip. When he entered her Rae closed her eyes and took her time savouring this moment before opening them to take in every little detail of their lovemaking; it was important. Finn was important. She wanted to remember everything that happened in this moment, because this was the first time they'd made love when she felt like she deserved his love, like she deserved his slow kisses, his gentle caresses, his deep kisses, his tender glances. She deserved it all. She deserved to be loved.

Finn felt the change in her. The way she moved her hands more purposely over his body, he understood that that part of her that was always waiting for him to wake up and realise he deserved better was not present right now, and she was enjoying his body fully for the first time. She was touching him as if she deserved to, she was kissing him as if she had a right to, she was making love to him as if she belonged there with him; there was no part in the back of her mind telling her that she was usurper, that she would be found out as a fraud that didn't belong here.

He loved this. But more importantly, Rae loved it.

They had sex in the shower, Rae initiated it. Finn had been taken by surprise, she had pushed him into the wall and her lips had found his, her hand sliding down his waist to his cock before he'd even had a chance to register what she was doing. She had initiated before, but always with a question, as if asking permission to want him, to have sex with them. This time she was taking him.

And Finn loved it. He loved that she wasn't asking permission to want him, and he especially loved that she wasn't tentative about making him know how much she wanted him. It gave Finn a heady rush as he felt what it was to be so strongly desired by someone else that they couldn't seem to contain themselves. He knew that Rae wanted him, but she had always been fairly reserved about how she would show it, preferring to work him into a frenzy of lust for her. And he knew, from reading her diary that she was a fairly lustful girl… It was so nice to be finally seeing it in the flesh. And it wasn't that she was doing something that she had never done before, she had kissed him here and stroked him there and rubbed against him before, it was the intensity that was different. It was the level of desire, it was the unashamed, unabashed lust for him in her eyes. Finn felt that perhaps he understood how important it was to be so completely desired by another person after seeing her like this. He felt that she would devour him and it made his pulse race with desire. Rae was so glad that Finn had been hitting the gym because when she jumped up on him and he slammed her into the wall and they had fucked passionately, standing up, raise legs wrapped around him, her hands pulling at him, scratching him, demanding he be closer, she never doubted that he could hold her up. This was the Rae Finn had wanted to see for so long; this was a Rae that was uncensored by her own anxiety and fear.

They just made it to breakfast in time, Elsa gave them an unimpressed glance, before continuing her breakfast silently. There was a nervous energy around the table and Finn felt himself starting to jitter. Sam and Elsa were fairly subdued, but someone from the hotel had managed to find them some over-the-counter medicine to help with their symptoms and both were beginning to perk up as the breakfast continued. Finn had never been in this kind of competition before and he felt nerves tingling throughout his insides. It was so strange for Rae to be sitting next to him, laughing uproariously with Kristi, as if nothing huge were about to happen today. Amy and Kurt both looked as nervous as Finn, but Kristi was managing to keep it together, and Sam and Rae were much less nervous than the others, having done the whole thing just a few days before.

As they started to head out to the theatre safety talk, Sam stopped Finn and motioned for everyone else to go on without them. Rae had an idea of what Sam was going to tell Finn, so she simply left with the twins, shaking her head and deciding to wait for Finn outside of the restaurant. Sam watched Amy go off to the ladies room with a wary eye.

"What's up mate?" Finn asked impatiently.

"Look Finn, I know this is none of me business, but I really think you need to know what was going on with Phil and Rae these past few days." Sam looked pained to be saying this at all, but obviously felt that it was the right thing to do.

"You're right Sam, it is none of your business." Finn's voice had been firmer than he had intended and Sam looked quite affronted. But Finn remained unapologetic. They stared at each other for a moment, Sam not sure what to say.

"I just thought it was something you should know." Sam mumbled and Finn felt strangely annoyed by that mumble. The assumptions behind Sam's words were manifold and none of them were good. Finn tried to be fair about it and remember that perhaps these assumptions were fair in any other relationship, but not in theirs.

"Well, thanks mate." Finn tried to say in a friendly tone. "But Rae and I are fine." Finn slapped him on the back to let him know they were still okay and they headed out of the restaurant together, followed by Amy, who had heard every single word.

"Holy fuck…" Finn marvelled when he saw the size of the theatre, his nerves painfully jabbing at his stomach.

"It's fine Finn." Rae soothed gently. "It's not as big as you think it is, and it mostly fills up with students." She lied, not wanting to tell him how big the audience would actually be.

"So our competitors are gonna be watching us?" Finn asked with a slightly horrified expression.

"Well I guess when you think of it like that it does seem scary…" Rae conceded, "But if it's any consolation, all of them will be feeling like you are." Finn turned his eyes to her and Rae noticed how pale he seemed. "Alright come and sit down." She guided him to the chairs and gently rubbed his back while the safety speech was given. Finn barely listened, but instead decided that he and Rae were heading straight back to the hotel rooms to practice; he felt completely unprepared for this.

They practised.

And practised some more.

But Rae, understanding that an air of spontaneity and timing were vital for comedy, took Finn's mind off his nerves by slowly undressing him and pushing him back onto the middle bed. Rae didn't care that anyone from their group could come in at any moment, she took off her clothes and straddled Finn, kissing his body with a passion and a fervour that neither of them were accustomed to. Finn put his hands over his eyes and groaned deeply at the feel of her lips and tongue worshipping his entire body, the occasional bite, some of them quite hard, making him groan even deeper. Those random moments of pain caused by her teeth were quite welcome and before he knew it, his groans of pleasure had escalated her intensity and her fingers dug into his flesh, pulling him to her aggressively, as her mouth moved over his body. Finn again had that strange sensation of feeling like she would devour him.

His mouth opened in stunned pleasure as she slid her lips over his cock and squeezed his balls firmer than she ever had. She groaned loudly and sucked on his cock rapidly and deeply, and all Finn could do was hold onto the bed and groan loudly while she did her thing, she grabbed his hips firmly and pulled him into her, her forehead, touching his stomach each time she basically impaled her throat on his cock. She became so impassioned that her forehead was hitting his stomach with quite a force and Finn's breath was taken away by the intensity with which she was sucking him. He looked down at her head moving up and down rapidly and felt himself rushing towards like orgasm much faster than he ever had from oral sex. But just as suddenly as she had started sucking his cock, she stopped. She looked up at him, her lips still on the tip of his dick and grinned sinuously, a seductive light in her eyes that Finn had never seen before. She crawled up his body, her eyes staying on his, that look never leaving her face, her tongue licking her top lip slowly as she positioned her cunt over his mouth and ground herself on his face. Finn moaned as he smelt her and tasted her, his hands shot up to grab her arse as he licked her feverishly, desperately wanting to feel her thighs tighten around his head as her body shook with pleasure. Rae continued to ride Finn's face as he dined on her, her hands running over her own body, enjoying the sensations of her own body's pleasure fully. When she did cum, her head was thrown back, her hands on her breasts, and she moaned loudly, grinding her cunt into Finn's mouth, while Finn's fingers dug into her arse driving her on.

As soon as her body had stopped shaking Finn used that new strength of his to push her back slightly, freeing his mouth.

"Ride me girl." He practically pleaded and Rae enjoyed the urgency in his voice. It was a different kind of urgency; it was born of her newfound sexual confidence. She slowly edged backwards, letting her body graze along his, every point at which their skin touched singing lustily. When she finally slid his cock into her wet pussy he groaned and covered his face again. The intensity in her eyes, the way she was touching both her own body and his; it was too much. He had to close his eyes and think of something else, anything other than the way she was fucking him, the way she was taking control and how much he was enjoying it. She squeezed his nipples hard, making him cry out and forcing his mind back into the now, his eyes focussed on her body; arched back, her breasts thrust out, riding him like an expert, her opening to let him in, but squeezing tight every time she slid him out.

Rae knew what she was doing to him, she remembered her talk with Chloe and Izzy about milking the cock… And she could tell how much he enjoyed her taking the lead like this, and that only made her want to do it more. Her fingers fell onto the curve of her belly and she closed her eyes and let her fingertips trace along her stomach. Finn watched her enjoying her body and tried to let go of the bed sheets, so he could touch her, join in. But she batted his hands away and continued to enjoy the silky feel of her own skin, one hand going to her face to trace along her lips as her other hand slid down to play with her clitoris. She'd done this before, ridden him and masturbated, but never with this much revelry in herself. Finn happily put his hands above his heads and watched the show; a show not intended for him. It was all about her right now; she was discovering and worshipping her own body.

She fucked herself to a loud orgasm on him, her eyes snapping open after she had cum, the pleasure still in her eyes as she let her upper body drop down on him, her lips grazing his, their panting breaths cooling the sweat on each other's face.

"Beg me to let you cum." She whispered to him and stopped moving. He almost gasped in surprise.

"Rae?" He moaned. But he saw the sinful glint in her eye and knew she wasn't messing. He had to beg. He'd begged her before, and he had no qualms in doing it again. "Please let me cum." He whispered to her. She flexed the muscles in her cunt and he groaned.

"Again."

"Please let me cum." Again she flexed the muscles, a little tighter this time, enjoying the way it made his stomach quiver slightly.

"You'll have to do better than that." She grinned, as if drunk on power.

"Please fuck me until I cum." Finn's tone took on a more pleading quality and Rae took a long moment to slide him in and out of her, her muscles clenching for him and he groaned appreciatively. Rae was beginning to learn just what she could do to him. "Oh god please do that again." He almost whimpered, and Rae knew she wouldn't let him cum until he was whimpering. She yanked one of his nipples hard instead and he gasped.

"I'll do what I want to you." She whispered and he nodded slowly; he'd been so wanting this from her. But now, in this hotel was not the best time for properly exploring this, and he could see the look in her eyes; she had plans for him, later. For now, this was just a taste. "Beg."

"I need to cum Rae, please let me cum. Please." She gently squeezed his other nipple and again started to slide him in and out languorously, her muscles tensed, her fingers tightening on his nipple as she went. Finn's body didn't know whether to react to the pleasure or the pain and it pushed him closer to coming.

"Oh god, please." He whimpered.

"What?"

"Please."

"What's that?" She teased.

"Oh god please let me cum." She moved her hips slightly.

"You wanna cum."

"Please Rae." His voice was urgent and cajoling. And she let him have it; moving her hips in a long grinding motion, her muscles milking his cock, his groans deepening instantly, his hands squeezing the head board of the bed above him as he cried out in bliss.

"Oh fuck!" He gasped his hands going to her face, "Fuck I love you girl." His whole body spasmed and shuddered as Rae kept fucking him, as if to milk every drop from him, her eyes still fucking him as he shivered out the last of his orgasm.

She gave him no time to rest before making him put his clothes on without showering; she wanted him to smell like sex when they went down to lunch.

They had practised all they could, and Finn felt as prepared as he could when he stepped out onto the stage. His starting position was looking out at the audience, and Rae was to enter. But as he awaited her entrance, he realised he had forgotten his first line. He tried to not look too panicked, to think about everything he'd learned about improvisation… but his mind was utterly blank. Panic swept through his body and for a brief moment he almost had a window into kind of what it was like to be Rae when panic attacks struck her. His stomach knotted painfully with a dread he could barely hide as he looked out at all the expectant faces glaring back up at him. It seemed like he'd been on the stage for hours, desperately fumbling to remember the line before she came on so he'd have something to say to her. And then she was there, saying her first line.

Finn turned to her and she saw that fear in his eyes and knew he'd forgotten the line. Rae scrambled in her mind to think of an improvisation to cover him.

But then the rehearsals kicked in and all the practice paid off and the line was out of his mouth before he'd even registered remembering it. His body even did exactly what they had practiced, his voice following the exact pattern they had decided upon between them.

When they got offstage she kissed him in the wings while the next duologue was introduced.

"I'm so proud of you!" She exclaimed before dragging him to the green room, "You did so well to recover after the line loss!" She told him and he smiled sadly.

"Aye, but losing the line means we probably won't get through." He lowered his eyes in disappointment.

"I thought you said you weren't expecting to get through?" Rae reminded him and he scrunched his nose as if to say 'it still would have been nice.' "And I think we did better than you think!" Rae nodded her head sagely and Finn shrugged glumly, thoroughly disappointed with himself for forgetting the line, even if he had recovered well. Rae read his mood perfectly and stroked his hair soothingly, "Finn, it's your first competition like this, your first real time on a real stage… you did so well!" She reassured him and he smiled grimly in return.

"But not well enough to win it." He lamented.

"We never thought we'd win it; that's the twins, remember?" She watched Finn nod sulkily and couldn't help but grin at him; the competition had gotten under his skin, he was starting to like theatre.

It was a morose dinner that night. Sam and Amy hadn't performed well on account of Sam nearly passing out with fever for most of the performance, and the twins had both lost lines in theirs. Rae and Finn hadn't seen either performance, but Elsa told them that the twins had improvised so well you couldn't tell the lines were dropped. But no one had any illusions about Sam and Amy; Sam was in bed, too sick to even eat dinner and Elsa was having him taken back to Stamford tonight; she'd probably go with him, but come back straight away. When the announcement came to the table about how they had gone, no one expected to be in the finals tomorrow. Elsa opened the piece of paper with an expectant air, and the paper had the results she had expected.

"You're through." She grinned at the twins and then had to blow her nose, the piece of paper clutched in her hands. Everyone congratulated the twins, but Elsa broke into a coughing fit and Finn gave Rae a glum look. She shrugged, wanting him to know that it was ok if they didn't make it. She knew they'd done better than Finn thought they had, but she didn't know if it was good enough. Elsa drank some water and leaned back in her chair exhausted and sick. Her eyes fell to Rae and Finn, "You're trough too." She told them, "if you lose your lines tomorrow Finn, cover it better than that alright?" Finn was too stunned to even reply to what she had said, or to take in the congratulations. He barely noticed Elsa turning to Amy to give her the commiserations they all knew were coming. And Rae's lips were on his, snapping him out of his shock and letting his stomach drop happily. He laughed and Rae loved the way he couldn't get the dopey grin off his face.

It was only moments later that the minivan arrived to take Sam home, Amy decided to go with him.

"I'll be back in a few hours, after you finish down here; straight up to your rooms ok?" Elsa told them and they all agreed without argument; the all knew they needed the sleep.

They ordered desert and Finn ordered a round of beers for them as celebration for getting that far; they'd only have the one, the competition wasn't over yet.

"Who d'you reckon's gonna win it?" Kurt asked as he scooped a massive mouthful of ice cream into his mouth.

"Probably that funny girl Lauren and what's her name?" Kristi considered for a moment.

"Nikita." Rae answered and Kristi nodded.

"They were fucking hilarious, but that Lauren, she were so funny… her face…" Kristi started to giggle thinking about the things Lauren could do with her face and shook her head, "We're gonna see her in the movies one day." Kristi told them.

"Aye probably." Rae agreed.

They agreed that the twins would sleep in one room and that Rae and Finn would share the other; it worked better for everyone that way; they could rehearse as much as they wanted.

Finn felt like he was walking on a cloud as he practically skipped into their room, collapsing on the middle bed, pulling Rae on top of him.

"I can't believe it." He muttered as he circled his arms around her, "Well obviously I can believe you'd get through. But me?" He chortled happily and Rae was silently grinning, enjoying his reactions.

"This is definitely a good night." He yawned sleepily and she snuggled into him, not wanting to get up to move the beds or get undressed. But eventually they did get up and prepare for bed, Finn still grinning.

"Thank you so much for paying for me to come to both of these." Rae said with wholehearted gratitude.

"It was my pleasure girl." He shrugged.

"I'm glad I got to win." She looked over at the trophy and Finn grinned even more happily, "But I'm even more glad that I get to see you like this." He scrunched his nose at her and she returned the gesture with a huge grin.

They fell into bed together, arms wrapped around each other, eyes heavy with sleep, and fell almost instantly asleep on their two single beds pushed together to make a lumpy and annoying double bed.

Rae couldn't remember a time in her life when she had been this happy. She hadn't thought she could get any happier than simply being with Finn. But being with Finn, and beginning to not hate herself, and doing so well at school, and finally getting herself and her life together; this was even better.

_'Original Sin' by Inxs_

Chloe skipped down the stairs to the front door as soon as she heard the front door bell.

Her father had been grumbling about this all week, but her mother had been cautiously optimistic and had made nothing short of a feast for dinner.

She opened the door and saw a cleanly shaven Rhys, the short growth of hair on his head softening the sternness of his features.

"You didn't have to shave." She told him and he shrugged.

"Might as well try my best to make a good impression." He said with a wry grin.

"I like your goatee."

"It'll grow back in no time." He answered her slight pout with a more genuine smile.

"So dad's in full on racist, 'you're not good enough for my daughter' mode." Chloe appraised him of the situation, "and mum is in 'impress the guy that's guarding our daughter from Ian' mode." Rhys gave a soft chuckle.

"Alright I know what to expect then." She took his hand and led him into the lounge room, sitting down beside him on the sofa.

"I'll see if I can get you up to see my room later on." She said cheekily and Rhys had to supress his chuckle; he'd never really had to worry about parents and getting to see people's rooms before.

"Alright missy." He grinned conspiratorially, and Chloe returned the grin, feeling like they were naughty children planning something against the rules. Chloe's mother, Christine came in with a tray of four drinks, beaming she placed them down on the table.

"I'll just get Jarred." She gave a small nod to Rhys and left the room. Chloe shook her head.

"I've never seen her not properly introduce herself or welcome a guest into her house before." Chloe whispered. "It's like she's scared; gotta go run and get dad." She sniggered and Rhys shook his head with a huge grin.

"Stop making fun o' your parents." He said only half seriously and Chloe dropped her head to the side.

"Right, cos it's not like they deserve it." She raised her eyebrows and Rhys shook his head to indicate that he wasn't going to talk about it. They were racist, but they were her parents, and he was not about to come in between her and her parents. Chloe understood his silence and leaned over to kiss him, wrapping her leg over his thigh. His hands went to her back gently, he was acutely aware that her folks were about, and he wanted for this to go as smoothly as possible.

Jarred cleared his throat gruffly as he entered the room, and Christine put her hand on his arm to stop his comment, probably something about Rhys touching his daughter. Christine could see Chloe deliberately lingering in the kiss and Rhys, very gently extricating himself from her embrace. Christine sighed internally; Chloe was already angry at her father over her relationship with Rhys, and she could feel the battle of wills beginning. Chloe reluctantly let Rhys's gentle insistence win and settled in beside him, leaning into him, and he took her hand, feeling the need in her to display her defiance in regards to her parent's attitude. She was not in the mood to negotiate with her parents, Rhys realised that as far as Chloe was concerned, this was very much all about her laying down the law to them.

Jarred eyed them both with obvious displeasure and sat down in his armchair, and Christine started to hand out the drinks, anxiously trying to keep the peace.

"They're Saharan Martinis." She said with a triumphant grin and handed the cocktails to each of them, "They're African." She intimated to Rhys who didn't know how he stopped himself laughing incredulously and rolling his eyes simultaneously.

"Oh?" He asked politely, he felt Chloe's fingers tighten around his. "Where in Africa is this martini from?" Martinis were American and Rhys knew that.

"I think the book said South Africa?" She answered happily and Rhys blinked a few times. The Saharan was nowhere near South Africa.

"Mum, Rhys is from England." Chloe told her and both of her parents furrowed their brows at her.

"Don't be ridiculous." Her father countered sternly.

"He was born here!" Chloe retorted fiercely. Christine looked at Rhys and he nodded slowly, but, for the sake of Chloe's future relationship with her parents, he decided to ease the situation, even though normally he quite enjoyed making racists uncomfortable.

"My mother was from Nigeria." He tried to not sound as reluctant as he felt to give them that information. He saw Jarred nod knowingly, grasping hold of that information triumphantly as if to prove he was right.

"See Chloe." He said with a tone that infuriated Chloe.

"His mother was born in Nigeria." Chloe said through gritted teeth, "Rhys was born here. He's 100% British, just like you." Chloe wasn't even going to try and convince her parents that Rhys's mother was British as well, even though she had chosen to come here and become a citizen; that made her British in Chloe's eyes. But her father accepted nothing less than being born here as proof of citizenship. Although Chloe was beginning to realise it was more than that; it was a skin tone as well.

Rhys took a sip of the martini and held it up to Christine.

"This is fantastic." He told her and Christine let out a nervous breath and nodded.

"I'm glad you like it; I've themed the whole dinner around your people." She nodded enthusiastically.

"My… people…?" Rhys asked, unsure how to take that.

"Africans!" She answered happily.

"As in the whole of Africa?" Rhys asked and she nodded again, her happiness apparent. "Well you've got a lot of ground to cover," He tried to sound warm and resisted the urge to tell her how many countries were in Africa, how many different cultures and cuisines… "I look forward to seeing what you've come up with." Rhys managed to say with a tight smile. Christine took that as a compliment and bustled off to the kitchen. Normally she'd insist on Chloe helping her in the kitchen, that's what the women did, but she had a feeling it was better to leave Chloe in the room with the men to hopefully keep them on their best behaviour; even if Chloe herself was misbehaving.

Jarred sipped the cocktail and eyed Rhys thoughtfully.

"What do you do for a living?" He asked as if Rhys was in a job interview. Chloe's hand tightened around Rhys's again, but he reached over and put a hand on her knee momentarily, letting her know he was alright.

"I own the boxing joint." Rhys answered and Chloe was gifted by a surprised look from her father, "I just bought it with my business partner Tom."

"That's Archie's… partner?" Jarred asked tightly and Rhys nodded, "You must have a lot of debt then." He stated knowingly, and Chloe again was gifted, this time by Rhys's smile as he shook his head.

"We bought it outright." He said honestly, "And the building next door; we're upgrading the facilities to include a heated indoor pool." Jarred's brows furrowed as he struggled to accept that.

"You didn't get a business loan?"

"Didn't need one." Rhys answered in as equally a serious tone as Jarred was using on him.

"I find that hard to believe." Jarred retorted sharply.

"Rhys made a lot of money with professional fighting and doing acting in movies, as well as being a personal trainer."

"Any movies I've seen?" Jarred asked sceptically.

"Perhaps." Rhys shrugged; it was surprising how many people watched porn.

"Unlikely dad." Chloe asserted, "But they're huge in Africa." She told a lie he'd believe and one he could never verify.

"Of course." He answered in an unimpressed tone.

"And what do you do for a job?" Rhys asked in an attempt to forward the conversation.

"Why do you want to know?"

"It's just polite conversation dad!" Chloe answered snippily.

"Didn't you lot send out letters to everyone through the mail trying to get their bank account details, so a prince of yours could filter his money out of your country because the government was corrupt or something?" Jarred asked pointedly.

"I really wouldn't know." Rhys answered stoically, he was fighting his natural instinct to tackle racists head on.

"Dad!" Chloe corrected angrily.

"Yeah, I remember, I got a letter back in the 80s!" He laughed. "People were actually falling for that scam, I bet a lot of your people got quite rich off of that."

"I read some research that indicated that most Nigerian scammers where actually from America." Rhys answered tightly.

"Oh yes, no doubt." Jarred answered and Chloe was surprised he was conceding, "There's lots of Africans there." Chloe's eyes opened wide, unable to believe the nerve of her father.

"Dad!" Chloe said again, unable to even comprehend what he was saying. It was so much harder to know what to say or do when it was coming from her own father. "Don't worry pet, I know he's different." Her father waved off her concerns and gave Rhys a tight smile. "He's your boyfriend after all."

"Yes he is." Chloe answered adamantly, "And I love him very much."

"Love him." Jarred mulled those words over moodily. "And how old is he?" He asked pointedly, his eyes turning to Rhys, "How old are you?"

"24." Rhys answered, his eyes narrowing, as he began to understand that this battle with her father was going to be a lot harder than he had first imagined. He had supposed that given how amazing Chloe was, there had to be some of that in her parents and once he found that part of both of them he'd be able to win them over. He hadn't seen any of her in them so far. He realised why Chloe had taken on the defiant air, and understood that he should have taken her tact all along, instead of trying to be tactful with these people.

"So you're seven years older than my daughter." He said in an accusatory tone. Rhys opened his mouth to answer this but Chloe interrupted.

"You're five years older than mum!"

"Your mother wasn't 17 when we started our relationship."

"No she were 18." Chloe agreed, "Which I'm about to be in a fucking week!"

"You watch your language!" Her father snapped and Chloe lowered her eyes.

"Sorry." She answered bitterly. Rhys's brows furrowed, he had to figure out a way to save this, as much as he deeply disliked this man, he had to find a commonality with him; he didn't want Chloe to have to endure what Tom was going through. But on the other hand, his instinct to protect Chloe was growing daily, and to see anyone so strongly correct her was enough to make his heckles rise. He put his arm around her shoulders defiantly; taking on the same air that she had had earlier and she looked up at him with a grateful smile and then looked at her father defiantly.

"Yeah I'm 6 years older." Rhys answered jutting his jaw slightly, his east end accent coming out a bit more. "And what the fuck are you gonna do about it?" Chloe's face shot up to his and she beamed at him. Jarred's face grew livid with anger.

"How dare you talk to me like that in my own house?" He said in a quiet voice.

"Shall I count how many racist things you've said to me in the last 10 minutes?" Rhys retorted smoothly, "Or do you wanna move past this moment for the sake of Chloe?" Jarred mouthed silent words in fury and Rhys stood up, drawing himself to his full height, "What's more important to you Jarred? Your malee go and pride? Or your daughter's respect and future happiness?" Chloe watched her father's jaw snap shut as he took in Rhys's height and physique.

"Are you trying to threaten me?" Jarred asked in a bewildered frenzy of enraged indignation.

"I stood," Rhys answered in a firm voice, "Because Chloe wishes to show me her room." He held his hand out to Chloe who took it and stood up, still beaming at him.

"You're not going in my daughter's room!" Jarred hissed.

"Yes I am." Rhys answered calmly, "Feel free to join us Jarred." Rhys motioned for Chloe to show him the way and she did, smirking happily as her father joined them, sputtering like an old kettle.

Rhys was not comfortable being so disrespectful in someone else's home, but Chloe would always come first, and she needed him to be strong in this particular way right now, so he would. The climb up the stairs knocked some of the wind out of Jarred and he stood by silently as Chloe explained everything in her room, Rhys listening intently to every word she said, completely ignoring Jarred's presence. Rhys intended to make Chloe feel more at home at his place, and seeing her room actually gave him inspiration for things he could do to help with that. Jarred watched their interaction like a hawk, noticing how easy they were with each other. And he didn't like it. They were laughing together, enjoying each other's company, pretending he wasn't even there, and he did not approve one bit.

"The only reason I'm tolerating you boy, is because my wife thinks you can protect Chloe." Rhys took a moment with that sentence; he noted that Jarred called Christine 'his wife' denying her her own identity; she became an extension of him instead, defined only by her relationship with him. He noted the use of the worse 'tolerating' and 'boy,' he heard the tone, he understood the racist undertones; of course a black man would be able to protect her from a thug like Ian… He considered telling Jarred that Chloe could protect herself, but felt that such a feminist notion would be lost on him.

"He's teaching me self-defence." Chloe interjected forcefully. But Jarred scoffed derisively and folded his arms over his chest as he looked at Rhys.

"Teaching a little girl to try and defend herself against those monsters instead of being man enough to do it yourself." He shook his head, "have you seen the size of my daughter?" He asked incredulously, "she's tiny! What could she hope to do against-" But he didn't finish his sentence; Chloe grabbed him, and using counterweight, threw him over her shoulder. He landed with a loud thud and she stood over him.

"So you need to start paying him for the lessons." She looked down at her father, "Cos I'm tired of bleeding him dry getting all the freebies from him." Chloe continued, "Rhys runs this company, he can't be giving out freebies all the time." She continued, "You understand sound logic like that daddy." She smiled sweetly and held her hand out to him. He looked at her, winded and shocked. He took her hand and stood up, still surprised, unsure whether to be impressed or chide her for her unladylike behaviour. In the end, considering everything that had happened to his little girl, he went with impressed and turned his eyes to Rhys and nodded curtly.

"We'll talk costs after dinner." He said stiffly and motioned towards the door. "Out." He said firmly and Rhys acquiesced without a word. Chloe skipped after him, stopping to give her father a kiss on the cheek before she followed Rhys and gave him a knowing smile, Rhys understood just how clever Chloe was being with slowly training her parents to be better behaved. He would continue to take her lead it seemed. He grinned happily, having no objection to that.

_'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen_

The meet and greet the next morning for the finalists was a less formal affair, but the chap from the Oxford School of Drama was around, and this time, so were the representatives of LAMDA and RADA, which was very unexpected. They'd been at the finals for the dramatic duologues, and when Rae looked around, she saw that nearly a third of the contestants for the comedy duologues had also been finalists in the dramatic duologues competition too, and Rae noted that the reps only talked to the actors that had been finalists in both competitions. A lot of eyes fell on Rae, and several people asked her about Phillip and why he was not present given what a brilliant actor he was. Finn held her hand and they politely glided through the crowds, the twins beside them lapping it all up merrily.

Rae knew the reps would eventually, possibly talk to her, and she scanned the room quietly, seeing where the reps were. Her eyes fell upon a fellow actor, a finalist from the dramatic duologues too. He looked a little like Archie and his eyes were on her, an appreciative grin on his face. When she caught him looking he raised his eyebrows as if to say 'busted' but didn't look away; his grin merely broadened.

Rae took a moment to mull over the fact that she had caught an attractive lad perving on her and realised that she didn't care. This was quite a big deal. She didn't feel self-conscious, she didn't wonder why, she felt flattered and it gave her a little bit of a buzz, but she could easily shrug it off and she turned her eyes back to Finn as he stood talking to Kurt happily.

She listened silently for a moment, and then Rae was struck by an overwhelming sense of understanding of what Phillip had really given her. Not Phillip exactly, but the fact that someone else had loved her so selflessly and completely. It hadn't just taught her that Finn wasn't an anomaly; that was only half of the lesson. The other half was that if Finn wasn't an anomaly, then he didn't own her beauty. She wasn't just beautiful to him, in his eyes, or only when he was around… she owned her beauty. It was hers. It was with her at all times and had literally nothing to do with Finn. Or Phillip.

_It's me… not him…_

_I'm the one that this lies within… not him and his perception of me…_

The reason two such wonderful men could find her beautiful could only be because she truly was. Her beauty lied within herself, not in the fact that others found her beautiful.

This thought had been starting to surface over the past few days, but now it was clear to her.

It was her. Not them.

She had to stop herself from gasping as the thought whirled round inside of her. Old, dogged, beliefs about herself reared their ugly heads, and she knew it would be a hard fought battle for this new understanding to be the prevailing thought she had about her looks, but just having had this thought made her realise that if nothing else, she most certainly was not ugly.

_I might not be some stunning beauty… but I am alright._

_I'm not ugly._

_I'm not…_

_I'm not ugly._

She felt herself suddenly grinning like a fool as she realised what the flipside of the lesson had been and she tried to grab that knowledge and hold onto it tightly before her old familiar patterns of self-hatred set in; she wanted to fight her old ways of thinking and truly recover.

"Miss Rachel Earl." A young man held out his hand to her and a woman with him smiled like a hyena on the hunt. Finn turned to look at the two people talking to Rae.

"We represent RADA, you may have heard of us?" The young woman said in a silken tone as she shook Rae's hand. Finn's jaw dropped slightly and he watched on with humble admiration as Rae was courted first by RADA then LAMDA. Elsa was watching from the other side of the room, sitting with some bottled water, waiting for the medicine to kick in before she could even attempt to be pleasant to someone who wasn't one of her four students; who were people she actually genuinely liked. She was glad these four had gotten into the finals; they all deserved it.

Finn looked over at Elsa to see her grinning as Rae spoke with the reps and took their information packs graciously, he took a quick moment to appreciate that even when she was so sick, she still looked amazing and then turned his eyes to scan the room. His ears were in tune to everything that was being said to Rae, but he didn't want to stare at her while she was having a conversation he wasn't a part of. He saw the Archie look-alike still having a sly perv at Rae and wondered how Rae felt about it and if she had noticed. If she had a problem with the guy looking at her, Finn would make him stop if she liked. But if she was fine with it, then so be it; it meant nothing to him or to their relationship. He looked back at Rae and watched her chatting, enchanted by the facial expressions she did. Her face was always changing and doing amazing things; she was so expressive. And her eyes were magic.

A few moments later the bell for the actors to go into the greenroom or audience sounded and Rae and Finn headed into the theatre to watch the first half of the show; they were second last this time.

Strangely, Finn didn't feel as nervous as he had yesterday; he knew what to expect, and even though the stakes were higher this time, having that prior knowledge calmed him. Now he was focused on the competition and wanting to win.

By the time they were let out for lunch both of their jaws seemed to be permanently dropped.

"How the fuck did we get through to the finals?" Finn marvelled and Rae shook her head and shrugged. The duologues had been hilarious, the twins were in good company.

"We can't win this thing!" Rae shook her head and then laughed, "Oh well, I guess that means we just go out on the stage and have fun with it."

"Does it bother you that we can't win?" Finn asked and Rae shook her head.

"I've already got a pretty trophy." She grinned, "I can share mine with you if you like?" Finn grinned at her and nodded.

"Sounds like a plan girl!" He draped his arm over her shoulders, "Right, let's get some lunch."

Having the pressure of possibly winning off his shoulders was oddly blissful for Finn; he did feel a little disappointed, but after seeing some of the other duologues, he knew when the competition was just too strong. And if Rae didn't think they could win and they should just have fun with it, then he knew his underlying suspicions were true; he wasn't much of an actor. And if she didn't mind that they couldn't win, then he could cope with his own disappointment.

When it came time to go on stage, Finn found himself in the wings, waiting for a stage blackout. As soon as the lights were down he strutted on, exaggerating his walk to get himself laughing at himself, to ease out the last of his tension. He stood in the darkness, not even thinking about his lines; he'd wing it, improvise was the term Elsa used, if he dropped his lines. He'd always managed to do it in rehearsal, so why not now? He was so glad that Rae had seen what he had seen; that they had no hope of winning. It took so much pressure of his shoulders to try and live up to her standard of acting; something he could never hope to do, not even in comedy, which everyone knew was easier than good dramatic acting. Even so, comedy was still hard, few people understood timing properly, and playing it straight like they were was very difficult without dropping character, or corpsing as Elsa called it. Most of the duologues were playing for laughs, even the twins, but Rae and Finn were deadpan for theirs, it was always odd to see Rae doing something so funny with such a straight face; it made it funnier for him, harder to not corpse. But he didn't mind any of that now. He was just gonna have fun with it.

What Finn didn't know was that Rae had watched the first half of the shows and picked up what he had picked up subconsciously; that their piece was quite unique in its deadpan humour. She also noted that their characterisation was stronger due to that discovery she'd had with Phil about character motives. Rae felt that if Finn could just get over his nerves… they could actually get a trophy out of this. If the judges were after more than just a glorified stand-up routine, and were also looking for acting and staging skills, she and Finn might even win it. Except for the few pieces that used slapstick, everyone else was doing a kind of stand and deliver' performance, common with short comedy pieces like these. But Rae and Finn's was dynamic, they used the whole stage and moved through their piece as if none of what they were saying was remotely funny; in fact they were almost playing it as a serious duologue. The topic was serious; how to best dispose of a body when Finn's character had accidentally killed someone and called her, his best mate, to help him figure it out. It was the suggestions for the body disposal, delivered with utter seriousness and sincerity that were the funny part; the writing was clever, snappy and witty, the delivery perfect for the dialogue… if only Finn could keep his nerve on this stage. It was so odd that the only thing she'd ever seen Finn get really anxious about, besides herself, was performing like this in front of a large audience like this, and yet she was oddly calm… So she told Finn they had no chance of winning, to calm him. And the minute the lights came up; and she saw the way he was standing, she knew she'd done the right thing.

When they got off stage, Finn had the rush of performance in his veins and he lifted her and kissed her lips exuberantly.

"That were fucking brilliant!" He whispered to her. He'd had so much fun getting that audience reaction, Rae had actually heard someone gasping for air they were laughing so hard. They waited out the last performance, watching from the wings. Rae, knowing the ropes now, led him from the theatre towards the hotel before they'd even announced the break for the judges to deliberate. She started talking as soon as they were clear of the theatre, telling him that she had lied about thinking they had no hope, wanting to tell him before the twins and Elsa caught up with them and they went to sit in the hotel restaurant to wait.

"Sorry I lied." She grimaced apologetically but Finn shook his head.

"Nah, it's alright." He grinned, "You knew exactly what I needed to get me going." He shrugged and gave her a reassuring grin, "I have a lot more respect for actors now. This shit is hard." Finn nodded his head sagely and Rae grinned at him.

"But kinda addictive." She scrunched her nose.

"Oh aye!" Finn agreed, "The rush of getting the right audience reaction…" Finn shook his head, "I can see why people keep coming back to it."

"Oi you two!" They heard Kurt calling from behind and stopped to wait for them before heading to the restaurant for the long wait.

It was nearly two hours later when they were called back to the theatre and were ushered into the backstage area. Finn put his arms around Rae and they leaned against the wall in the wing, listening to the opening speech. Finn's head was down, waiting for the announcement of third place. If he was honest, he was hoping to get a placing; and third was the best he hoped for. Rae leaned nonchalantly back on the wall, watching his face as he tried to not betray his hopes. Kurt and Kristi stood beside them, looking out onto the stage anxiously.

Rae felt confident that she and Finn would place; the changes to the script and acting style made her very confident in what they had produced. The piece in its first incarnation had been ok, but the edits had made it something spectacular, and she knew it. And she also knew that Finn didn't realise just how good they'd been. She was in the same position Phil had been in with her just a few days before; knowing that they had produced something worthy of winning, and knowing that your acting partner wasn't sure you had. She watched his face fall as third place was announce; that funny girl Lauren and her partner Nikita had gotten it. Rae had expected that she'd place; you couldn't say her name without adding 'that funny girl' to it, everything she did and said was gold, and many people had gotten her phone number to stay in contact with her after the competition. Rae included. Rae had also hit it off with Nikita, who was quieter, but, as it turned out, no less funny; she was just playing it straight for the laughs in this piece.

"Oh fuck." Finn was so deflated, Rae squeezed him tighter. "We didn't get third, we're up for nought now." He gave her an apologetic grimace, "sorry." He mumbled, "I am a pretty shite actor." She kissed his nose and he furrowed his brows at her, "I'm serious Rae, I was kinda hoping…" He shrugged, embarrassed.

"I know." She whispered, keeping her voice down in the wings like she should, "me too."

"Aye." Finn knew she had had hopes; that's why she'd told that little white lie to calm him down.

"And there's two of us in this thing Finn!" She reminded him and he scrunched his nose. He didn't really believe that they didn't win anything because of her. He was just too new to this whole acting thing, maybe next year they'd have better luck if they could get back to the competition.

It was announced that the judges had not been able to separate the two next performance pieces so there were two first places. Rae reached her hand out to Kristi and clasped it fiercely, the girls sharing a grin before they both looked out at the stage while the obligatory speech about the history of the competition was made. Kurt started to jitter and Finn, his hopes dashed of maybe scraping into second place, sagged even further; he knew they were going home empty handed now.

"Finally." Kurt whispered as they started to announce the tied first place winners.

As Rae had predicted, the twins were announced and Kristi slammed into Rae and Finn for a hug before dragging a stunned Kurt out onto the stage.

"And tied with Kristi Callahan and Kurt Calahan for first place, also from Stamford-" Rae shot her eyes to Finn, ready to take in his expression, "Rachel Earl," She saw him light up and then look confused momentarily before turning his eyes to her, "And Finn Nelson."

"We won it." He whispered, utterly stunned. Rae felt her face breaking out into the hugest smile at his bewildered expression. She kissed him.

"Of course we did, you dickhead!" She pulled him out onto the stage to receive his trophy, certificate and cheque. He pulled her into his arms on stage, and remembering where he was for once, gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek before looking at the trophy happily. His first non-sporting related trophy.

As she watched Finn reading his certificate happily, the audience still clapping, Rae suddenly realised that the commonality between this winning performance and the last one was herself. It wasn't Phil or Finn that made anything she did a success, it was herself. She'd never deny that both lads did their fair share in this, because they both, most certainly, did. It was just nice for Rae to realise that her success really wasn't simply dependant on who she was working with, on other people, on external forces. She had the ability to succeed within herself; it was just easier and nicer to be doing it with certain people.

This had been a week of powerful realisations for Rae. And all of it came down to understanding and knowing what was within herself. She was finally beginning to feel as every bit as strong as Finn thought she was. She was understanding that strength wasn't just surviving when bad things happened to you; it was also believing in yourself enough to do something that terrified you. Rae looked out at the cheering audience.

"Nailed it." She whispered to herself.

_'To Bring You My Love' by PJ Harvey_

The journey home had been very cheerful, Elsa had praised the changes they made to their piece; both Rae and Finn knew that those changes were the reason they'd won. Before that, they hadn't really stood a chance. The twins were deliriously happy and both talking about a mile a minute, and Rae, who was normally a big talker, was content to sit back with Finn, calmly, quietly enjoying the good feelings, their hands clasped, their eyes on the twins as they chatted. Elsa was sitting back in a similar manner, but her occasional coughs and annoyed splutters reminded them all she was sick, and not happy about it.

When the minivan pulled into the school late on Friday afternoon, Rae and Finn were both in a happy, mellow mood and they decided to walk to her house hand in hand.

They finally got to talk about the competition now that the twins weren't there to dominate the conversation with their ecstatic frenetic chatter.

"I'm so glad I got to win this with you." Rae grinned at Finn, who still looked surprised.

"I can't believe how fucking exciting it was to win a fucking trophy." Finn practically chortled, holding his trophy because it didn't fit in his bag. He shook his head at himself but he couldn't wipe the grin off his face.

"I might give you something else to grin about when we get home." Rae cocked an eyebrow suggestively at him and he bit his bottom lip happily.

"You saucy minx." He breathed as they approached her street.

"I mean if you can manage to let go of your trophy for a moment…" Finn looked down at it and pulled a face.

"That's a big ask Rae…" He joked.

"Oh well, I s'pose we don't have'ta fuck." Rae shrugged.

"This trophy means nothing to me." He replied rapidly in a deadpan voice, a lusty light in his eyes. Rae chuckled.

"Nah…" Rae chuckled at the playful, tragic look on his face when he thought she was pretending to revoke sex, "I'll let you hold your trophy while I fuck you." She said magnanimously and Finn laughed.

"How could I refuse that?" They walked up her driveway and Rae scrunched her face at some rubbish that had blown into the garden. She sighed and picked it up.

"Holy shit!" She laughed and showed the empty plastic cup to Finn.

"Raymundo's jelly…" Finn read the writing and looked up at her with a laugh, "You're famous girl!"

"There's another one." She picked it up and read it, "this one's caramel flan." Rae shook her head. "Someone on my street enjoys the fine products produced by Raymundo's it seems." She said putting on a posh accent.

"Aye, we should show Chop these!" Finn told her but Rae shook her head.

"I'm not holding onto rubbish just so as we can show Chop… we'll just have'ta tell him." Rae answered firmly and Finn shrugged, unlocking the front door without another thought.

"OH MY GOD!" Rae gasped.

"GET OUT!"

Finn slammed the door shut and looked back at Rae with wide open eyes, but she also had wide eyes.

"Was that…?"

"Aye." She whimpered. They'd just opened the door on her mum and Karim fucking on the sofa.

"Holy fuck." Finn shook his head slowly and blinked several times as if trying to make sense of what he had just seen.

Karim was making tea resolutely.

Linda was staring at Rae and then Finn in turn.

Rae and Finn were looking down at the table silently.

It had been a few minutes of uncomfortable silence spent like this.

"You… are supposed to be… staying at Finn's yeah?" Karim asked slowly, looking at his three people with a concerned expression.

"We thought we'd head back here for a minute." Rae said tightly.

"For what possible reason?" Linda asked. There was an awkward silence as Rae tried to think of a reason other than 'for a really loud shag, because Finn's mum is hanging round like a bad smell at his house.'

"You two were s'posed to be at work…" Rae mumbled and Linda narrowed her eyes at her.

"You were coming back here to have sex?" Linda asked with an unimpressed face.

"Like you can talk!" Rae retorted but Linda held up her hand.

"Rae, we've already had the sex talk… but even if we hadn't we'd all still be fully aware that you two are at it like jackrabbits." She ignored Rae's furious glare and Finn's reddening face, "what I don't understand is why you couldn't do that at Finn's place?" She sounded exasperated.

"Why can't we do it here?" Rae asked, "You were supposed to be at work!"

"We took the week off." Linda said imperiously, "Aiesha has been staying with Alice on and off all week." She continued, "We needed to enjoy some time alone." Rae rolled her eyes and looked away muttering to herself. "You were supposed to be staying at Finn's place this weekend. What happened?" Rae looked over at Finn, not wanting to say what she had been thinking before out loud; she wasn't entirely sure if he knew her reasoning for wanting to spend more time at her place.

"My mum has come home." Finn said softly, "And her and dad spend a lot o' time shagging and-"

"Oh good for him. Lord knows he could do with a-" Linda stopped mid-sentence and cleared her throat. "So everybody's sex life is ruining everybody else's." She sucked her teeth in thought, ignoring the looks Rae and Finn gave her. When she noticed them she tutted and rolled her eyes, "Oh don't look at me like that, you don't stop having sex once you reach a certain age, you know." She admonished, "It's not like when you turn 40 your sodden vagina disappears!" She told Rae.

"Mum!" Rae shook her head, embarrassed.

"Teenagers!" Linda was getting on a roll, "You think you own sex and sexiness. Well let me tell you a thing or two."

"I'd prefer it if you didn't!"

"My beasty, ravages me like a-"

"MUM!" Rae shot up out of her chair. "I don't need to hear the details any more than you do!" Rae practically pleaded.

"We won the drama competition." Finn suddenly said in a desperate attempt to change the topic. This resulted in congratulatory coos and hugs, and Rae telling the story of how it happened, and showing off both of her trophies.

"My girl." Linda said happily, "Winning both of 'em!" She sighed happily, "How about I buy you some new clothes from that store you work in Rae?" Linda asked with a grin, "As a reward?" Rae agreed eagerly to getting some new clothes from Curvy Girl on a Budget.

"You know I get an employee discount?" Rae added.

"Well just means I can get you more." Linda was feeling particularly benevolent; Rae's marks were great, things were peaceful, she was getting enough sex and sleep again and Karim's English was good enough for him to be looking for better paid work now. "Stay for dinner, then piss off, right?" She asked and they agreed happily now that they had put that embarrassing moment behind them. Although Rae and Finn both felt like the image of Linda and Karim naked and fucking might stay burned on their retinas forever…

_'Waterfall' by The Stone Roses_

Rae always enjoyed Friday evenings, but this Friday evening was a little sadder than she was accustomed to. Archie kissed Rae's cheek as he sat down on the lounge, Finn was in the kitchen with Chloe, Chop and Izzy doing drinks and Tom was still with Rhys going over business details; trying to finalise everything before they headed off on their three month journey.

"Hello Archibald Von Crumpet." Rae grinned at him and he raised his eyebrows.

"I'll take that." Archie laughed, but then quickly looked at the kitchen door to make sure they were alone. "Rae, can I ask you something?"

"Of course." She noticed the serious tone he had and leaned forward, her hand reaching out for his.

"I don't want you to make a big deal o' this." He warned and she nodded. "Alright, when Tom and I was out last night, about a dozen guys hit on him… and not one hit on me." Rae blinked slowly as she took that in.

"Well maybe you just didn't notice 'em doing it…" She tried to soothe but he shook his head.

"We were at Aztequita… this is not at a club were guys are known to be subtle."

"Right…" Rae furrowed her brows.

"It's just…" Archie lowered his eyes, "You know how you always thought Finn was the attractive one in the relationship and you were the unattractive one?" Archie asked slowly, "which is bollocks by the way!" He added emphatically, "Well I sometimes feel like I'm the unattractive one when I stand next to Tom." He gave a sad smile and looked down.

"I don't feel that way anymore." Rae answered and Archie looked up at her happily surprised, "I could tell you that you're beautiful to Tom… or that he loves you… but to be honest Archie, you don't need him to validate how perfect y'are." Archie gave her a more genuine smile. "I promise you, you just have to be kind to yourself Archer. Just tell yourself the things you'd tell me if I were saying that shit. Or Chlo…" She watched Archie nod his head, "Cos no one gets to define or decide how gorgeous y'are except for you."

"I know." Archie said softly, "And I don't think I'm ugly… it's just… well you've seen Tom." He smiled wanly.

"Yeah I've seen Tom. And I've seen you." Rae answered, "You're well suited to each other."

"I can't believe he says no to all these fit lads and looks at me the way he does sometimes." Archie sighed happily.

"From what I hear, most of the people who know him can't believe he's settled down." Rae teased a little and Archie grinned.

"Well I am a pretty amazing guy… so of course he did."

"That's more like it." Rae told him.

"It's not a constant thing Rae." Archie told her, "Just sometimes when we have a night like last night… I wonder if I do stack up. It's only sometimes…"

"Well it should be never." Rae said adamantly, "You're Archibald Von Crumpet, who could resist your dashing good looks and sterling charms?" Rae grinned, "You know I didn't."

"That's true." Archie said with a happy grin and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "D'you know, if I weren't gay, we'd probably still be dating."

"Probably." Rae agreed.

"And driving Finn nuts!" Archie laughed and Rae leaned her head on his shoulder comfortably.

"D'you think so?" She grinned.

"Yeah, you'd've gotten yourself another Phil." He joked and Rae shook her head trying to hide her lack of humour at that thought. Not only out of sympathy for her Phillip, but out of horror for the thought of her Finn ever going through that. It upset her to think about what he had gone through the first time they had broken up. She reconsidered her previous thought that her and Archie might have lasted in a relationship.

"I was always gonna fall in love with Finn." Rae scrunched up her nose and looked up at him, "Sorry, I'd've dumped you for him!"

"Oh that's not nice!" Archie chuckled and ruffle her hair in mock outrage.

"Maybe if you never introduced me to your grumpy best mate you'd o' been able to hold on to me… but if there's Finn, I'm gonna love him."

"Well if I ever have to relive my life as a straight man, I know my strategy then!"

"Take notes Archie!" Rae chuckled with him as he tapped his head to indicate he had it all in his brain.

Chloe came in with bowls and plates of snacks, followed by Chop and Finn, in deep discussion about the mechanical work needed on the car Chop was building, carrying the drinks, and Izzy trailed in looking worse for wear; she'd caught the flu at the drama camp. Her doctor had given her some drugs to take to fend off the worst of it, but it didn't change how exhausted she felt. She curled up on the lounge next to Archie and laid her head on the armrest as everyone's attention turned to Chop and Finn's conversation.

"Alright, well I'll come over and help." Finn was saying when he realised that all eyes were on them. "So what have we got planned for tonight?" He asked awkwardly.

"Well nothing illegal." Archie rolled his eyes when Chop gave an annoyed groan.

"I got all these fucking drugs, and we're not using 'em!"

"We got plenty o' time!" Chloe countered and looked at Archie for explanation.

"It's illegal to even have drugs in your blood stream in some of the places we're going."

"Nothing illegal for you then lad!" Rae agreed firmly. "Which means nothing illegal for the rest of us. It's their party!" She gave Chop a firm glare.

"When's Tom getting here?" Izzy asked quietly, sniffing hard and trying to get her energy back for the night's revelries.

"Soon I hope." Archie turned to Chloe, "We won't be here for your birthday on Wednesday." He pouted and Chloe shrugged sympathetically.

"It's alright, we'll take loads of photos for each other." She grinned. "You're missing a few birthdays." Chloe grimaced.

"Tom's turning 26 while we're away. We'll have just gotten into Luxor and we're gonna stay in 5 star resort type thing." He shrugged.

"Rhys's birthday is two days before Tom's." Chloe added.

"And mine." Rae pouted, "Don't forget mine.

"How could I forget my girl's birthday?" Archie tightened his arm around her shoulders and Finn came and sat on the other side of Rae, putting his feet up on the coffee table.

The conversation and alcohol flowed easily, pizza was ordered, to be delivered an hour from now, and Tom and Rhys had arrived right at the time they'd said they would, Tom was in fine form; as cheeky as ever. But Rhys looked a little tired; he'd been working the books tirelessly and seeing a lot of extra clients lately. Chloe fussed subtly over him and, as always, she was greeted by a grateful smile and some kind, private words of love. The conversation covered multiple topics, eventually alighting upon one of Chop's more favoured topics: sex.

"When you think about," Chop was reasoning, "threesomes make mathematical sense."

"Oi." Izzy said gently, not really meaning to reprimand him, but just reminding him that the lad talk could wait for when the lads were alone; so that the girls could have their chats, which she so enjoyed. Even though tonight she suspected that the gang would stay together; Archie and Tom were going soon, and everyone wanted as much time with them as possible.

"What?" He asked confused and she pulled a face, "It's nothing personal baby girl, you're the only one for me," He said reassuringly and Izzy gave him an unimpressed look. If they were all honest, they knew that she was more likely to agree to a threesome than he was, and he was implying that she was offended. "It's just maths… you know, one set o' boobs," his hands motioned as if fondling a nice set of breasts, "two set o' boobs; twice the fun."

"Oh yeah, I get it!" Izzy said with a huge grin as if the world's hardest maths problem had just been explained to her, "One set o' testicles… two set o; testicles… Twice the fun!" Rae burst out laughing when she saw Chop's face scrunch up in horror. Chloe nearly choked on her drink and Rhys had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

"Why the fuck would you say that?"

"Oh you know, just thinking about threesomes with you Chop." Izzy grinned her wide-eyed innocent grin and Chop frowned.

"Not that kind o' threesome." Chop turned to Finn for support but Finn shrugged.

"I'm a monogamy lad through and through, Chop, I'm not really interested in a threesome." He answered with a happy grin.

"Yeah…" Chop latched on to Finn's words and looked at Izzy, "Me too; total monogamy lad." Izzy shook her head and chuckled.

"But if it were to happen," Finn continued and looked at Rae, "Either way's alright, yeah?" Rae shrugged and nodded.

"Oi Chop," Izzy teased, "You can have your threesome with two girls, if I can have one with two boys…" Most of the gang had to supress laughter at the look on Chop's face as he tried to pretend to consider this objectively.

"No… I want you all to myself." He answered firmly, "No threesomes." Izzy narrowed her eyes at him. "I think we're all wired that what aren't we?" He said hurriedly to try and counter Izzy's glare.

"Speak for yourself Mr double standard." Chloe retorted, "We've got an open relationship."

"Yeah and Tom and I have agreed to have a threesome eventually." Archie added.

"Or foursome." Tom added with a cheeky grin.

"Or both." Archie added.

"You saying that half of our little gang are gonna end up having a threesome at one point?" Chop asked, astounded by this fact.

"And possibly us in the distant future." Rae said in a voice that indicated that it was unlikely, but they weren't closing any doors.

"You fucking serious?" Chop asked and Rae shrugged, turning her face to Finn.

"Anything's possible." He answered, "But like Rae said, it's not really on our radar right now."

"Might never be." Rae shrugged and grinned a Chop's confused face.

"How can you be so fucking blasé about it?" He shook his head.

"Rae and I know our relationship is sound and that we'll deal with anything that arises." Finn shrugged, "Including that."

"If it does." Rae agreed. Chop looked confused, but Chloe understood that her best friend had found a relationship that would support and nourish her through everything and found that this knowledge brought her a great deal of happiness. She needed for Rae to be happy; it was important to her because Rae was the most beautiful person she knew. "Anyway," Rae changed the topic, "You two must be getting excited for going?"

"It's getting so close!" Izzy agreed.

"Monday." Archie grinned with an odd mixture of excitement and apprehension.

"Oh god!" Chloe moaned, "You'll be gone forever!"

"We'll be back on the 29th Chlo!" Archie laughed.

"Better get your booze in now lads, I hear Egypt is a dry country…" Rae held up a bottle of alcohol.

"That's the fucking spirit girl!" Tom laughed and took the bottle.

"Oi not yet!" Archie took the bottle from him and Tom looked chastised momentarily before winking in Rae's direction, setting her to giggling merrily. Archie reached into his satchel bag and pulled out several stapled together booklets and handed one to everyone. Rae watched the way Tom looked at Archie with such love as he watched his boyfriend hand out these meticulous documents. Rae enjoyed the looks Tom gave Archie. She imagined Finn gave her similar looks when she was off on one of her tangents. She took her booklet and looked down at it.

"The super exciting adventures of Archie and Tom." She chuckled and Archie grimaced.

"Yes well, I let Tom name it." He said and Rae saw Tom's cheeky grin before he managed to put on a look of utter seriousness. Archie had produced a huge document for each of them, with a cover sheet and name, detailing all of their travel details, flights, itinerary, insurance details, photos of their front passport pages… Everything.

"Wow." Izzy flipped through it with an awed look on her face.

"So," Archie began, "as you can see we fly out at 2pm London time on Monday, arriving in Cairo at 10pm Cairo time, which is only 7pm here." Archie looked up at them all over his glasses to ensure they were all following along, "we have nothing planned for the night, other than getting into our hotel room." He had listed the name of the hotel, the contact details and the address. Finn looked over at Rae, who gave him a small grin before looking back down at the booklet.

"So if we all get there at noon we can see you off?" Chloe asked and Archie looked up with a grin.

"Yeah." Archie said, his eyes not leaving the schedule.

"We'd love that." Tom grinned. They had organised a party at their place for all of their close joint friends, for when they returned, but this was the only farewell they were getting, although, they did expect some people to show up at the airport and Tom kept joking that he was looking forward to a big gay farewell with tears as they boarded their flight.

"We'll be in Cairo from the 29th of September until the 7th of October. You can see the sights we'll be going to, the rough dates we'll be there, and their locations, contact details, all sorts of goodies." Archie had a lot of ground to cover, and only a limited amount of time to do it before the number of interruptions became unworkable.

"Memphis?" Chop sounded confused, "Isn't that American?"

"Memphis was an ancient capital of Lower Egypt…" Archie sighed internally, now was not the time for a history lesson, "anyway," He strove on, "we'll be attempting to stick to this schedule, but things might get out of order, but either way, you know roughly where we'll be at any time. After Cairo," everyone turned the page diligently and Archie continued, "We head to Alexandria." Chloe, Rae and Izzy made an excited noise for him; a city named after Alexander the Great was a big deal for Archie. "We'll be there from the 7th to the 14th and-"

"Catacombs…" Finn was reading through the activities and his eyes fell upon that word with excitement and envy.

"Yes." Archie answered perfunctorily before ploughing on, "then we're travelling along the Mediterranean coast until we get to Marsa Mutra on the 17th." Everyone turned their pages

"You're going to Rommel's hideout?" Chop asked surprised, "he's a bit modern for your history isn't he?" Chop teased and Archie rolled his eyes.

"I like all history." Archie replied brusquely, "Then we have a few days in Marsa Mutra before we do a camel trek through the Qattara Depression to get to Siwa Oasis."

"A camel trek?" Chloe asked and looked at a bemused Tom.

"Yeah, I think I'll definitely be going through depression when we're doing the camel part." Tom sighed melodramatically, "The things I do for-"

"It's a spectacular part of the Saharan Desert." Archie countered in a professional voice that indicated he'd had this discussion with Tom before, and was not going to change his mind. Tom's face broke out into a happy grin as Archie doggedly continued, and everyone was catching on as to how annoyed he was getting from the interruptions."

"We will be in Siwa Oasis from the 22nd to the 28th." Archie continued.

"Only 6 days in Siwa?" Rae asked with a barely concealed grin, "But didn't the oracle of Amun in Siwa Oasis confirm Alexander as a god and-"

"Yes, and then we'll be-"

"I would have thought such an important town would merit more time…" Rae continued as if Archie hadn't talked. He actually sighed audibly, pushed his glasses up his nose, took a deep breath and continued.

"That's all we'll need there." He answered, "Then we'll be taking a 4wd through the desert to get to Aswan via Dakha Oasis, and a few days on a Felucca on the Nile."

"What's a Felucca Arch?" Izzy asked.

"A small Egyptian sailing boat." Archie tried to press on, "Then-"

"Do they even have toilets?" Chloe asked in mock horror.

"No." Archie answered with another sigh.

"Camels don't have toilets either." Tom answered with the air of a man who had tried to get five star luxury the whole way and accepted how dismally he'd failed with good humour. "Or room service… or air conditioning…"

"Oh god!" Chloe laughed, "You're fucked Tom!"

"How are you gonna make yourself look pretty every day?" Rae agreed. Tom shook his head slowly as if to say there was no hope of that.

"I just hope Archie will love me without all my usual bells and whistles."

"As if you'd be any less beautiful even in the desert with no toilets." Finn threw it out there and tried not to laugh at the exasperated look on Archie's face.

"That's my only consolation Finn." Tom said solemnly, a cheeky glint in his eye. "I even gave up on my week on a beach at the end of it all because there were too many places Archie wanted to go to."

"You offered too!" Archie said, horrified that he might have really upset Tom.

"Yes… yes I did…" Tom answered melodramatically, as if her were a martyr. Archie rolled his eyes and sighed at him. Shaking his head he looked back down at his itinerary.

"We get into Aswan on the 4th of November, starting with a day trip out to Abu Simbel." Archie continued, "And then we get to Luxor on the 9th."

"Where we will be staying in a 5 star resort because it'll be my birthday in Luxor!" Tom said cheerily. "We're there until the 20th of November."

"Oh, the Valley of the Kings!" Izzy drawled in awe.

"Karnak!" Chloe grinned.

"The temple of Hatshepsut." Rae sighed enviously. "I've seen pictures… it's so fucking impressive!" Rae sighed. "I'm so jealous Archer.

"Jesus, how many fucking temples and stuff does Luxor have?" Chop asked as he turned the page to see the list of sights and activities still continuing.

"A lot." Archie replied. "After Luxor, we're catching the night train back to Cairo and-"

"You know lover, I'm parched." Tom stroked Archie's thigh and held up the bottle.

"I'd be going faster if everyone stopped interrupting!" Archie snapped grumpily and Tom had to bite his bottom lip to stop himself from grinning. "I wanted to go over every sight we'd be going to too, but I knew you lot wouldn't be able to pay attention for long enough!" Archie narrowed his eyes at the gang.

"Oh steady on!" Finn laughed, the job had been done, Archie's grumpy face, a face so rarely seen, was on full display.

It took Archie another half an hour to finish telling everyone their full schedule until the day they landed back in London on the 29th of December.

"And you guys have to be there to take us somewhere for new year's." Archie said, "Because we will have no idea what you've chosen."

"Have you guys got anything in mind?" Izzy asked.

"Probably just London again guys?" Chop asked and they all nodded.

"Well Rhys had an idea, didn't you?" Tom asked with a small smile, and everyone realised that Tom had Rhys had been scheming.

"Might have." Rhys grinned, "But I'm not gonna tell… until we're all in London to pick up Tom and Archie…"

"So none of you need to plan a thing." Tom grinned.

"And then in the New Year, you and I will have a lot to do for the business." Rhys said with a foreboding tone to Tom who furrowed his brows and took a deep breath, letting his shoulders drop dramatically.

"Ugh, it'll be something difficult and terrifying to come back to!" Tom joked and Rhys cocked his eyebrows at him. "Yeah I know, you don't' get a break away from it, sorry…" He grimaced and Rhys waved him off.

"I'll be heading to Nigeria in the new year." He replied, "You'll be on your own then!"

"You going with Chlo?" Chop asked and Chloe looked at Rhys with a questioning expression.

"D'you wanna come?" Rhys asked her quietly and she nodded, "We'll do it in the school holidays then."

"Or after we graduate." Izzy added and that stopped the four of them still in school in their tracks.

"Fuck." Rae marvelled, "We graduate next year."

"Aye." Finn agreed, realising that he really did need to talk to her about all the fantasies and plans he had in his head for their future after university.

"Then what?" Chop asked them.

"University." Rae answered and Finn nodded slowly.

"Definitely babe!" Chloe agreed, having finally started get very solid career aspirations.

"Milan." Izzy turned her eyes to Chop and his brows furrowed.

"That's a far distance away baby girl." He mumbled unhappily. "What about the business?" He thought about his lovely little mechanic shop and how well it was going.

"We'll sort something out Chop." Izzy grinned, but Rae thought about what Izzy had said to her earlier this week.

"Anyway, tonight is not about us graduating!" Chloe changed the topic, "It's about two of us going off to have an adventure!" She raised her glass and everyone else followed her lead.

"To Archie and Tom," Rae toasted, "May they have a brilliant time and return to us with tall tales and envy inducing photos!" They all clinked their glasses and drank to that.

_'My Own Summer (Shove It) by Deftones_

Rhys pulled up in one of the hire cars Chop's mechanic provided for customers and Finn grinned at how out of place Rhys looked in the boring white Nissan, in comparison to his beautiful classic Buick. But Chop was working on ironing out all the damage Ian had done to it now.

"Thanks for taking me out to Gus." Finn said as he got in and tossed his bag on the back seat. Rhys nodded and Finn looked over, almost sensing that Rhys was in a bad mood. He waited until Rhys had pulled out and they were on the way to Gus, a little over an hour away, before he asked Rhys what was wrong.

"What's up your arse?" Finn watched him change gears and grunt, then sigh sadly in response.

"The police have said they cannot pursue charges against Ian." Rhys said, "They called this morning, to tell her that he claims he was at the pub with his friends; they're all backing his statement, even the pub manager."

"Get fucked. That's not the Swan?" Rhys shook his head.

"The pub's not in Stamford." Rhys reassured him.

"How does he get a fucking pub full of people to back him up?" Finn shook his head.

"The pub manager is Ben." Rhys said evenly.

"One of the guys that fucking raped her?" Finn felt his mouth tighten into an angry line.

"Yes." Rhys answered.

"So that's how he gets a pub full of guys to back him; they're the guys that did this to her."

"Yes."

"And her bruises and the damage to your car?"

"The police say that they know something happened, they said that they even believe it was Ian… it's just that they can't pursue charges against him when he's got so many alibies, some of them very credible."

"Like Ben." Finn said moodily.

"Like Ben." Rhys said with an icy tone. "They said they can't make these charges stick, because there's little to no evidence against him, and he has alibies."

"Fuck that guy." Finn shook his head angrily. "Fuck the fucking police!"

"That's a gospel I've been singing for a while Finn." Rhys sighed.

"They fucking know he did it and they know he'll come back for her and they're doing shit to protect her or stop him!"

"They claim their hands are tied." Finn rolled his eyes.

"There is no way a guy like Ian don't have previous complaints against him. They should be looking into that to establish a pattern or something." Finn complained.

"You will have no arguments from me Finn." Rhys agreed, "In my experience the police are very mediocre at their their jobs, and often morph into the very beings they are meant to be protecting the people from. I am very distrustful of the police." Rhys finished softly.

"How's Chloe taking it?" Rhys shook his head slowly in reply.

"She hasn't let herself emotionally respond yet." Rhys thought about how her face had become like stone this morning while she was on the phone to them, how she had lost that sense of safety that the police could and would help her in all circumstances. Because he was a black man, Rhys was often criminalised by the police and had been since his childhood, so he had lost that hope a long time ago. He had not enjoyed seeing her lose it. There were people in the world that wanted others to suffer as they had, so that they could see the world as it was. Rhys was not of the opinion that a person had to suffer to see the world as it was. The indignities and losses he had suffered seemed like very little in comparison to some others he knew, and he still understood this world. In his mind, Chloe had suffered through enough already; to know that the police rarely, if ever, protected rape and abuse survivors was terrible. Rhys had wished for better things for her. He had not wished for her to see the police as he did. She had lived an insulated life, and this had protected her from seeing just how corrupt the system was. Dating him, and learning about racism, along with other topics like sexism and homophobia, had certainly stripped away some of that insulation; for the better. But losing your sense of protection when you were already vulnerable; it was brutal. Rhys had wished for much better things for her.

"It'll come." Finn said sadly and Rhys nodded.

"She's staying at my flat this weekend." Rhys said, "I think she feels safer."

"Not surprising." Finn shook his head again. "It's fucked up that she's basically being driven from her own home, cos Ian knows where she lives, he's attacked her there, and those fuckers are doing nothing about it."

"That's not even the worst of it." Rhys said slowly and Finn turned to look at him, "One of the cops, male of course, said that Ian had a lot of bruises, and suggested that she was lucky he was choosing to use these probably fake alibies, because if he were to say he was there and hit her that day, he could charge her for assault and battery too. And because his bruising was worse than hers…" Rhys took his eyes off the road and gave Finn a look that indicated how unimpressed he was with the implied outcome.

"Fuck that." Finn answered bitterly. "So you're not even allowed to defend yourself now?"

"Apparently, we like our rape survivors weak, traumatised and ready for more." Finn made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat, not even sure what to say to that, but knowing on some level it was actually true. "No one ever believes that a woman who can defend herself has been victimised." Rhys shook his head, "Our society sees our victims as people who cannot fight back, and hates them for that weakness."

"Blame the victim." Finn understood.

"And then when the victim learn to defend themselves in any way at all, from fighting to not going out at night, we imply they are violent and that the perpetrators are the victims now, or that the problem is solved by their actions and that the perpetrators are less liable for their actions… and the true crime continues to go unchecked."

"Still blaming the victim, but pretending they're not a victim anymore." Finn sighed, "It's fucking messed up."

"It's like if we blame the victim we can convince ourselves that men like this don't exist out there." Rhys shook his head, "And that's an easier thought than having to examine ourselves as men. Because we rape woman at an incredibly high rate, and then we convince everyone that rape is something violent that only happens between strangers in a dark alleyway and we'd never do that… when the truth is the vast majority of women will be raped by someone they know and an alarming number of men are ok with the act of rape, if it's described to them without using the actual word rape."

"Chloe was raped by her own boyfriend." Finn answered sadly, "and a bunch of his friends. He didn't beat her to get what he wanted, he used implied violence and her own bad self-esteem against her to take it from her. And then ignored her every time she told them no. they knew she wouldn't' fight back, cos o' the implied violence." Finn shook his head as he looked at the anatomy of a rape. "So many girls go through this. And no one will help them cos it were their boyfriend and they didn't get a bruised up face, so it can't have been real." Finn was horrified by this ugly truth of the world. Hearing the tone of anger in Finn's voice made Rhys decided to add to add to it; to really drive home the point as to why he was a feminist ally and why he was so adamant about never owning Chloe and breaking down the way of thinking that surrounds relationships.

"In America alone, over 12,000 women die every year at the hands of their intimate partners."

"That's like their husbands?" Finn asked, astounded by that figure.

"And boyfriends, de facto spouse." Rhys added, "in the last major war America was in, which was the Gulf war, they only lost 383 soldiers. And that was in 1990 and 1991. That's 383 total American deaths for that whole war."

"Oh my god. 24, 000 women were killed by a man that they were supposed to be able to trustduring that same period of time…"

"And that's 148 killed in combat, while the others died by accident or of disease." Rhys clarified to put the figures into true perspective.

"It's a fucking war on women." Finn mumbled to himself.

"Perpetrated by the men they love." Rhys answered.

"I understand why you got so pissy at me at the Summer Ball." Finn said sadly, "I'm ashamed you ever had to think of me in those terms."

"We have to think of every man in those terms Finn. Always, even you and me still." Rhys continued, "We've been raised on a diet of thinking women are our property, so much so that common male behaviours that are actually about dominance and ownership are seen as loving and caring… every day we have to counter that in our own minds Finn." Rhys looked at Finn, "Never grow complacent or think you've already learned that lesson; there's always more to learn."

"I can't believe that more women die from their partners than men die in fucking war!" Finn shook his head.

"These are only American figures. But it tends to hold true across the western world. In some particularly bad years it is reversed, but that hasn't happened in a while." Rhys shrugged, "But the number of both figures is still too high. And the violence in both cases is still perpetrated by men."

"It's fucked up."

"Intimate partner violence is the leading cause of death and injury in women. Not cancer or heart disease or war or car accidents…" Rhys shook his head sadly, "We men need to step up and stop this shit at the root." Finn nodded in reply, wondering what he could do to help. They drove in silence for a while as Finn mulled over everything they had spoken about, and he applied it the ways the women in his life had been treated, the things the men in his life had done. His own jealousy seemed pale in comparison to someone like Ian's possessiveness, but Finn understood that accepting and excusing behaviour like his own past behaviour helped normalise more possessive behaviours like Ian's; it helped pave the way for it. He needed to dismantle the shit he'd been raised with in his own head and try to pass it on to other men as well. He'd been doing that, without even realising what he was doing over the past few months. He grinned; happy he was on the right path, because for a while there he was heading in the wrong direction and he hadn't liked himself very much when he was on that path, but he had hated what it did to Rae even more. He was much happier on this path, much calmer and more secure. He felt like a better man; like a better human being. And Rae seemed to be happier too.

"I'm not very good at subtle changes of topic." Rhys said with a slight grin and Finn cocked an eyebrow at him.

"I know why you wanted to drive me to Gus's." Finn answered.

"So talk."

"Well…" Finn was silent for a while. "I'm actually really glad to have mum back…"

"But?"

"But…" Finn tried to find the right words that didn't make the whole thing seem worse than it actually was, "I can tell she doesn't know where she fits in, and sometimes she tries to overcompensate for that and for the 8 years she were gone… and Rae don't like her all that much, even though she tries to hide it… and her and da… they fight, and fuck… non-stop." Finn sighed, "And I just wanna know why she been gone so long. And I want her to hurry up and find where she fits in… cos this weird fucking place we're at now is… I got comfortable the way things were afore I think."

"It's a big change." Rhys sympathised.

"Yeah!" Finn agreed, "I were fucking 10 when she went. I'm 18 now… sometimes I think she still sees me as 10."

"Why do you think that?"

"I dunno. She tries to set curfews and rules and shit… and she always on about how serious Rae and I are…"

"Is there anything you might be doing that triggers that response in her?" Rhys pondered and Finn scrunched up his face.

"I mean… I guess I'm resistant to some of her worries and concerns, especially about Rae…" He furrowed his brow.

"And that's it?" Finn looked over at Rhys and narrowed his eyes.

"What are you getting at, you fucker?" He sucked his front teeth, awaiting Rhys's carefully thought out reply.

"You've been angry at her since you were 10 years old." Rhys said softly and Finn considered his.

"I'm not angry at her anymore…" Finn said with furrowed brows, "I kinda just want her to love me…"

"What was the source of your anger back then?" Rhys asked trying not to sound too pointed.

"That she abandoned me… she where gone and I wanted her there. I missed her… I wondered what I'd done wrong to make her go…" Finn suddenly realised, "I wanted her to love me…" His tongue went to his back teeth, "Right." He said softly. "I am still angry at her."

"It just doesn't show in the same way it used to. This anger has become a deep seated part of you, you barely feel it as anger anymore." Finn made a small noise in the back of his throat, "So you are still angry like the 10 year old you were the day I first met you."

"And she feels that." Finn answered slowly, "She responds to it… as only a mother can." Rhys made a soft warning noise and Finn reconsidered this, "as only a parent can." He corrected his gendered language and shook his head, "Fuck that sexist shit is deeply ingrained."

"You have no idea yet." Rhys answered and then changed the topic back to his mother, "So what are you gonna do about how angry you are with her?"

"I guess I'm gonna have to tackle it head on…" Finn answered and then considered how upset it would make his mother, "somehow…" He already could see that her anxiety levels were high and he didn't want to make it worse, "I really don't know."

"You're assuming that your way of dealing with your anger is going to include her… perhaps some, if not all of the work can be done within yourself?"

"I need to know why she stayed away for so long." Finn replied, "But I suppose I need to get my anger at her under control before I can talk to her about it, really…"

"Perhaps." Rhys answered.

"That'll probably help with our whole relationship too… and I don't even know what to do with how much Rae seems to dislike mum."

"That's not really your problem though." Rhys said, "Rae will have her reasons, and while she will need your support, it's up to her to work through them."

"I just think I should totally take Rae's side and demand my mother stop whatever is upsetting her or get out of me life…" Finn answered sadly.

"Very drastic action for a problem you're not even sure exists." Rhys answered.

"Rae's me life." Finn shrugged and Rhys furrowed his brows.

"Rae is your partner. Not your life. Don't forget that you are your own person too."

"I don't!" Finn laughed, "It's fine… I know it sounds dramatic… but what I mean is that I'll always choose Rae over any other person." Rhys nodded slowly, "I just want Rae, and mum, to know that."

"Understandable." Rhys answered, "But you run the risk of making the problem bigger than it is if you put that kind of ultimatum into the mix. Give them time to work it out themselves."

"You think?"

"Rae is incredibly intelligent and determined, she is more than capable of sorting through her own emotions and problems and addressing them; give her the chance to do so."

"So I'll just let her know she's got me support, whatever she needs." Finn nodded, "And be willing to back it up with for real whenever she asks."

"Yes." Rhys answered patiently, "But this isn't really about Rae, it's about you…"

"Aye I know!" Finn moaned. "I honestly don't know what to do with me mum…" Finn took a deep breath. "I truly love having her around… but you're right Rhys, I'm fucking furious at her… where the fuck has she been?"

_'Yes it's Fucking Political' by Skunk Anansie_

Chloe had been nervous to meet Rhys's friends for months, and now she was also pissed off because of the news about Ian she'd gotten this morning. She had spent the day in Rhys's apartment, doing her homework and reading his books, trying to get ready to meet the people Rhys used to spend all his socialising time with before their relationship had started. When she wasn't doing that she had been pissed off and hitting his boxing bag as hard as she could. He'd bought her boxing gloves, she had noticed them when she went into the third bedroom. He hadn't said a word, he'd just left them beside his gloves.

The gang had all come with her and Rhys to Nikki's poetry reading. It had been a hard hitting piece, and she saw by the look on Rae's face that she understood a lot of the political undertones, even Finn seemed to be getting some of it. But Chop looked bewildered and Izzy looked slightly scared of how angry the poem was. Both Archie and tom nodded slowly as they listened, Tom's normally cheeky grin replace by a thoughtful expression, his hand on Archie's thigh and Archie leaned forward, his eyes glued to the stage. There were several poets performing that night, and it had been an eye opening experience for all of them.

They managed to find a huge table at the café/bookstore for all of them and Rhys sat down next to Chloe, and watched as his usual friends eyed his new friends with a mixture of expression from bemused to indifferent. They all already knew Tom, and a catch up of sorts was already beginning between Tom and Nikki; they had been close when Rhys and Tom were dating, and Nikki had missed him when he'd stopped hanging around them so much.

"Wow the melanin levels of our circle just drastically dropped." Deepak mumbled and elicited a few chuckles, Rhys himself having to grin slightly at the way this was panning out. He slowly introduced everyone to everyone, beginning with Deepak since he'd spoken first.

"This is Deepak," Rhys pointed to man thin man with dark skin and he nodded in hello, "And Jae, you've met him before… sort of." Rhys pointed to a tall Korean man who gave a small smile, "Aiyana," who was a curvaceous woman of mixed African / Indian heritage, she smiled warmly at them and even held out her hand to Chloe.

"I've been so excited to meet you!" She grinned at Chloe and Chloe felt her nerves lessen. "Rhys hardly ever gets long term partners." She sat down next to Chloe, and Rae and Finn settled in next to Aiyana. Rhys had known it would be Aiyana to first break the ice; she was like that, warm and welcoming to everyone. But not someone to cross, ever.

"This is Talat." He pointed to a man that had sat next to Deepak and Archie, Deepak elbowed him and it was obvious they shared a semi-friendly, semi-serious rivalry. After they shared a few words, Deepak's eyes turned to Nikki, Rae saw him sigh gently and look down. She tried to hide her grin as she realised that Deepak had a thing for Nikki. Nikki was a gorgeous, full figured woman, with honey blond hair from Puerto Rica; she'd mentioned that in her poem and Rae was glad to see that Nikki was a tall as she was. Next Rhys nodded towards two women holding hands.

"This is Zhu and Sana." Zhu also smile warmly at everyone. Rae noticed Talat furrowing his eyes at Sana.

"You shouldn't do that so openly." He chided Sana, referring to her open display of affection for her girlfriend.

"Why not?" She snapped.

"What if our parents see you Sana?" Talat asked with real worry.

"They won't see us in here brother!" She soothed him and sat down beside Zhu, putting her arm around her waist. "Our parents are quite traditional." Sana explained to the gang with a tight smile; she obviously would have preferred to have not had to explain that.

"And of course Nikki!" Rhys said with a grin and Nikki looked up at him with a huge smile.

"My beautiful man!" She said, her accent strong and proud, "I'm pissed off at you for missing last week's recital!" She gave him an angry glare.

"I am sorry." Rhys said earnestly and she shrugged.

"Don't do it again, and I may forgive you because you are beautiful. And for no other reason. You bastard." Chop, who had felt well and truly out of his depth, suddenly loved Nikki, anyone who talked to Rhys like that, was someone worth knowing, and he sat down next to her, listening to the continued conversation with Tom. Rhys went around and introduced the gang, finishing with Chloe, Aiyana, had been talking and holding her hand for the whole time, and had missed all the introductions. Rhys did them again and Aiyana looked at everyone's face closely, clearly trying to remember everyone's name.

"They all have such honest faces." She said wistfully after the introductions were done.

"What do we all want?" Rhys said, "Food and drinks on me!"

Finn watched the group chatting and eating, exhausted from his mental and emotional workout from Rhys, and his brutally physical workout with Gus. As he looked at everyone, he realised he'd seen Zhu before.

"Haven't I seen you at Petra's martial arts classes?" He asked her suddenly and she gave him a blank look.

"Why do you ask?" Finn saw Sana grin and shake her head and wondered what was going on that he was missing.

"You look like someone I've seen there…" He answered honestly.

"What, cos all Asians know martial arts?" She asked, "Do we all just look alike to you?" Zhu accused, "I bet you think Jae and I look exactly alike even though I'm Chinese and he's Korean!" Finn shook his head.

"No…" He answered bewildered as to how this had happened, "That's not-"

"Ah, I'm just messing with you white boy." Zhu grinned, "It'll never not be fun messing with white people." She chuckled and Finn saw that small grin from Sana again and realised that she'd known what Zhu was about to do.

"Have I seen you there or not?" Finn rose to the teasing and Zhu chuckled, deciding she liked this guy.

"Yeah, I'm there most days, I'm training to be an instructor."

"Me too!" Finn said, "Not in martial arts…" He corrected and shook his head, "No fucking chance there, I'm nowhere near good enough… I'm in boxing."

"I'm hoping to get some work at Rhys and Tom's gym if they wanna do martial arts training there." Zhu intimated softly, "But until they know what's happening and what the demand is, I won't ask them about it."

"Well you'd have me, and most of the white folk on this table, in your class, save us going out to London for Petra." Finn nodded his head happily and Zhu grinned.

"So you all do training?"

"Yeah some pretty bad shit happened to some of us… I got stabbed by this guy that…" Finn paused, realising he needed to go back to the beginning to explain why all of them were doing self-defence training, but part of the story was not his to tell, "Some of this is stuff I can't talk about…" He explained, "But some people in our group have been treated real bad… like rapists and stalkers and physical assault."

"Quite bad than." Zhu agreed.

"And you know I've known Rhys since I were 10… so… he were kind enough to help us all out."

"How long's that?"

"Ah eight years…"

"You've known him longer than anyone at this table!" Zhu said surprised.

"I suppose, but we've only gotten real close this past year." Finn replied, "I mean I did tell him stuff and ask for help from him from the beginning, but it's only this past year that he's opened up to me at all… Mostly since Chlo and he got together."

"So you introduced them?"

"I suppose." Finn shrugged.

"He owes you much then." Zhu replied with a knowing smile. The conversations were going well. Deepak and Talat were arguing over Indian / Pakistani relations, Zhu and Finn continued chatting, Rae, Chloe and Aiyana were in deep conversation, Jae and Sana were happily chatting about her recent overseas travel, while Chop, Nikki, Tom and Archie were laughing loudly, and Rhys had been enjoying chatting with Izzy, not something he got to do too often. So far it was going better than Chloe had hoped; she had been afraid it would be obvious that she was an idiot, a privileged little white girl who understood nothing. But the political conversation had not happened yet, and she was safe in Aiyana's warm conversation. Even though she was terrified that at any moment someone might declare that she wasn't good enough for Rhys because she didn't know enough about politics. But so far, everything was going smoothly.

A polite looking man approached Nikki and she looked up at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Hi…" He said tentatively, "I really liked your poem."

"Uh huh…" Nikki said defensively, ready for the issues he obviously had with it to be voiced.

"But how could you know what it's like to be a Muslim?" He asked slightly angrily and Nikki rolled her eyes.

"Cos I am one you fucking knobhead, now go away!"

"You're not a Muslim!" He protested, "You're not wearing Hijab!"

"Neither am I numb-nuts." Sana stood up and glared fiercely at him, "But are you gonna tell me I'm not a fucking Muslim?"

"No Ma'am!" He said respectively and lowered his eyes.

"Right." She retorted angrily, "Cos you expect the Paki to be a Muslim, but not the Latina?"

"Neither of us wear Hijab, "Nikki continued, "because to do so is a personal choice, and the definition of modesty is open for debate." She said angrily, "The Quran has no specific order for all women to wear Hijab."

"Some choose to and some don't." Sana agreed, "And both options are perfectly fine with Islam!"

"I'm so sorry to cause offence." He said softly, "You don't often see Latina Muslims."

"I reverted 4 years ago." Nikki said, "Is that a real enough Muslim for you?" She shook her head, "And there's plenty of us Latin Muslims in the world, trust me."

"Go away." Izzy suddenly said loudly, "You're bringing the mood of our group down." The man looked at her as if he hadn't expected to be told to go away.

"You heard her! Piss off!" Sana backed Izzy and Nikki waved good bye to him when he returned his eyes to her. He walked off looking dejected and Nikki turned her eyes to Izzy.

"You Muslim too?"

"Church of England." Izzy shrugged. "I don't really follow it though." She frowned.

"Me either." Sana said with a guilty grin.

"I do." Nikki answered, "I am a feminist, Latina Muslim!"

"Watch all the boys cry!" Sana laughed.

"They get so confused." She grinned.

"What did you mean by revert?" Chop asked Nikki as they settled back into their conversation.

"You don't convert to Islam, you revert to it. Allah made us all Muslims… some of us just lose our way."

"Oh right." He considered this for a moment and shrugged.

"And how does Allah deal with us atheist homosexuals Nikkster?" Tom asked with a fond grin.

"You'll have to ask him when you go to Paradise you beautiful man." Nikki put a hand on his cheek, "Cos he made you too. Exactly as you are."

"Wait but, isn't Islam not ok with gays?" Chop asked and Nikki shrugged.

"Isn't Christianity not ok with it too?"

"Alright yeah, fair call." Chop said with a grin.

"It's all about interpretation." Nikki said, "And I happen to read the Quran in the spirit of love and acceptance. I don't look to interpret things negatively. I think you'll find most Muslims are like that."

"Yeah but every group of people has their wankers." Deepak added and motioned to Talat.

"Oi fuck you!" Talat half laughed. Their debate intensified and Chloe watched Deepak and Talat, and listened for a while, trying to understand what had happened during the partitioning of the subcontinent. She looked up at Rhys, chatting with Izzy again.

"I've got so much to learn." She mumbled to herself.

"Oh don't worry too much." Aiyana had heard her, "I'll help you get through the first bit, and as long as you're not an utter dick, I'm sure it'll be ok… although… a lot of us do like to mess with white folk."

"Well given the historical treatment white people have given well…. Everyone… and the contemporary power structures than ensure that white people continue to benefit from the power their ancestors seized long ago, and the fact that the majority of white people aren't even aware of these power structures or actively deny them… I understand why we could be fun to mess with." Aiyana gave her a small smile.

"Not bad, creamy goodness." She grinned.

"Creamy goodness?" Chloe asked with a grin.

"Well I could call you vanilla ice, but-"

"Oh god no! I'll take creamy goodness!" Chloe laughed, "I didn't realise it was a nickname." She shook her head laughing.

Chloe walked with Rhys back to her car after having said goodbye to everyone. It had been a good night. Most of Rhys's friends seemed to be really warm towards her, and they also seemed to do alright with the gang, even though there were quite a few jokes aimed at white people not understanding other cultures. It probably went so well because everyone in the gang laughed at these jokes, except for Chop, who would consider what had been said for a moment, nod and tell them it was true, which would set everyone off laughing again, Chop included. But Chloe had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that wouldn't go away.

"They were playing nice weren't they?"

"Oh yes." Rhys said with a knowing smile. "Chop didn't even get a lecture from Jae about how it's not our job to teach white people about our cultures."

"Go to a library Chop." Chloe grinned, she had heard Rhys say it multiple times to him. "I didn't do anything to embarrass you did I?" She fretted.

"Absolutely not!" He said firmly.

"You can tell me if I mess up or make mistakes." Chloe countered.

"And I will, and even if you do make mistakes, they're not reason to be embarrassed."

"I know, it's what you do after mistakes that matter…" She sighed. "It's a very multicultural group." Chloe grinned, "I liked it."

"Yeah." Rhys answered, "But I will hear from more than one of them about safe zones that don't include white people." Rhys said with a grim smile. "And fair enough. Constant racism does tend to make you want just one place where they can't get to you…"

"I understand." Chloe considered it for a while, "You'll probably need to spend more time with them without me around huh?"

"Yes." Rhys nodded, "But I won't have our relationship suffer for it." He added, "So I will need to somehow make time. Somewhere." He sighed.

"Make sure you're not taking too much on." Chloe reminded him and he grinned at her, he enjoyed her occasionally fussing over him.

"And we'll have to get both groups of friends together more often too." Rhys added, "And then some of them like Aiyana and Nikki will be keen to get to know you better."

"I really look forward to that." Chloe grinned. They got into the car, Chloe driving and headed for Rhys's house.

"How are you going?" Rhys asked gently and Chloe's mouth turned down instantly.

"I'm really fucking angry Rhys." She said simply, with little emotion. "That man came to my home and threatened me. He hit me, and damaged your car… and the cops are implying that he should be pressing charges against me cos I defended myself." She shook her head, her eyes never leaving the road. "I don't think I've ever been this angry before." She sighed, "Except for at those fucking racist at the bar." Chloe's anger started to show slightly. "I could've killed those fucking bitches." She turned her eyes to him, "I'm kinda protective of you." She grinned and turned her eyes back to the road the minute she saw his smile.

"What do you need me to do with this Ian thing?" Rhys asked quietly.

"I don't even know. Just train me hard; no mercy. Push me. I need to be stronger than him." Chloe said determinedly, "Cos if we can't stop the root problem, which is him… then I got no choice but to be able to defend myself every time he comes for me."

"You shouldn't have to." Rhys lowered his eyes, "He should be held accountable for his actions."

"But it's never gonna happen babe." Chloe shrugged, "I'm slowly coming to terms with that." She put a hand on his thigh, her eyes never leaving the road, "I'm just gonna have to keep on defending myself against him. I've got no other option."

_'The Passenger' by Iggy Pop_

Rae tried to not suck her teeth moodily. Usually Sunday mornings were spent lazing in bed and then doing homework. But he had gotten up early to go with a jog with his mother. And now she was teaching him some Scottish breakfast thing and Rae was completely disinterested in the whole topic. She knew she was verging on becoming sulky, but she truly enjoyed their typical Sunday mornings, and she didn't like having them disrupted.

_I were like this with Aiesha too… it's nothing personal against Finn's mum…_

_It's more about not being in bed with Finn right now… like I should be…_

_Fuck._

"Your accent comes and goes." Finn told his mum.

"That's the unfortunate effect of living amongst the English for so long." They laughed and Rae physically stopped herself from rolling her eyes. Rae picked at her nails.

"Where's Gary?" She asked nonchalantly.

_I bet it's too early for even him to be up for this super fun family time…_

_Don't think like that Rae. She's just trying to re-bond with Finn._

_Aye, but why can't she do it at a decent fucking time?_

"He's in bed." Kenzie turned to her, "I was kind of hoping that you'd stay in bed and we'd both bring you something up." She grinned at Rae and Rae tried to smile back as broadly as she could.

_Well that was a not so subtle 'piss off.'_

_No Rae, she were saying that she wanted her and Finn to do something nice for the people they love together._

_I might be having troubles trusting her after that first little talk we had…_

Rae acknowledged her misgivings. Kenzie had apologised and Rae had tried to put it behind her… but she kept seeing signs of Kenzie not wanting her around on a daily basis.

"Right so we just let that bake for a bit." Kenzie said and they sat down at the table with Rae. Kenzie took a book from the pile of books she'd left on the table. "So I wanted to tell you a bit about our people; the McCay clan." She looked at Finn

_I might as well be flippin' invisible._

_He's making much more of an effort with her than he were before… I wonder what he and Rhys talked about?_

Rae watched Finn's face as he looked in the book his mother had opened.

"This is our coat of arms." She told him and looked up at his face happily as he took it in, "We've got a very long history of living in the Sutherland region."

"Sutherland?" Rae asked surprised; that was where Chop's family had that lovely house they'd stayed in for her birthday last year, just before they'd broken up for the second time.

_Go' I hope that's not a fucking omen…_

_We broke up after coming back from Sutherland… and his fucking family line comes from fucking Sutherland._

_Rae… what is with this paranoia girl? _

She took a deep breath and listened to Kenzie, her eyes on Finn's happy face as he watched his mother speak.

"Yes, do you know Sutherland?"

"Our friend Chop, has a family property out there." Rae answered and Kenzie nodded.

"Beautiful part of the world." She said wistfully and both Finn and Rae nodded, "Our motto is manu forti." She grinned, "Which means 'with a strong hand.'"

"So basically, what you're saying is, we like to get shit done." Finn laughed.

After breakfast he and Rae settled back into bed, Rae feeling mildly grumpy after having sat through 20 minutes of Gaelic lessons that were clearly not aimed at her.

_He knows I'm in a grumpy mood._

Rae looked at Finn as he set up the bed for them. But before she had chance to think about it much he had pulled her into his arms.

"I think next time, you should have a sleep in and just let me mum and me cook you breakfast in bed." He said softly and Rae felt her grumpy mood deepen.

"Possibly."

_Don't say anything else._

_Not another word…_

"Or maybe she could try to involve me in your little Scottish lessons."

"I just don't think she thinks you're interested Rae." Finn shrugged, "And it's ok if you're not."

"It's about you, of course I'm interested." Rae felt her mind correcting her, "To an extent…"

"And that's fine."

"Look Finn," Rae sat up, "I know you need alone time with your mum, but why does it have to be Sunday morning? Why can't it be when I'm at work, or Thursday afternoon., mum and Karim are both home that evening, I'm sure they'd love some alone time with me… why can't it be better timed." She hoped he understood, "it's just that-"

"I love our Sunday mornings too Rae." He stroked her face, "and we can still have them, just with a small break in the morning where…"

"No Finn… that's not our Sunday mornings. That's her taking it from us and you trying to pretend afterwards that it never happened."

_Oh fuck I did not say that out loud._

They stared at each other silently for a moment.

"Rae I really need for you to be helpful with this? Please?" He said softly, "I know it's not ideal, and in time, I will move her to another day. But for now… this is the best I can possibly make the situation."

"Oh fuck, I'm sorry Finn." Rae whispered, "I'm just not used to it all… and I were really looking forward to this Sunday going as normal… I kinda like our routine."

"I kinda love it. I miss it too Rae. And I'm trying to… find some sort o' balance, I promise."

"No, Finn, I know you are." Rae sighed, "I'm being unreasonably impatient and grumpy." She gave him a sulky look followed by an apologetic one.

"It's not unreasonable. What we've got is precious to me and I'm glad it is to you too." She gave him a wan smile. "I will get this stuff with my mum under control." He promised. "I just need some time to figure it all out in my head."

"I haven't been very supportive." Rae said softly, "What do you need?" She wanted to help him in anyway she could.

"I need to confront my mum about why she were gone for eight years, Rae…" Finn said in a matter of fact tone, "But I'm not sure how or when to do it."

"Wow." Rae could barely breathe. "Yeah ok, maybe take your time figuring that out."

_Oh wow… how can I help him with this without fucking everything up?_

_How can I stop him from fucking everything up?_

_'Around the World' by Daft Punk_

Ditching school on Monday to head to the airport had been an easy decision, even for Rae who had already had a week off school for her drama camp. When Rae and Finn had headed back to Rae's house on Sunday night, her mum had agreed to write her a note for today, but only because she'd done so well at the drama camp; both trophies were up in the lounge room now.

There had been nearly 50 people at the airport to farewell them. A few of Tom's clients had shown up unexpectedly, Archie's family, the gang, some of Rhys's gang that knew Tom well, and all of Tom's friends; who all knew and loved Archie too now. Chloe and Rae had tried not to laugh as they all embraced Tom and Archie and cried. Izzy however had laughed loudly, nearly setting Rae and Chloe off, at the look on Archie's face when Tom's friends had started to give them advice on how to get away with fucking in countries where it was illegal. Loudly. In the middle of the airport. Archie's parents standing right next to them, attempting to not hear and looking anywhere but at the gay men giving such splendid advice.

Tom was hugging everyone merrily, making cheeky jokes and complaining that camels didn't have toilets; he was being as charming as ever. But Archie was a bit of a mess. He had hugged Chloe and Rae tightly, promising them both a nice present from his travels for their birthdays and another present just cos he had gone travelling and wanted to bring everyone from the gang something back.

By the time he got around to hugging Finn, last of all, he was nearly in tears from all the well-wishing and trepidation of his first journey abroad.

"This'll be the longest we've been apart since we was in kindy." Finn said, and Archie started crying.

"Oi, what are you doing to my man?" Tom joked but Finn had started to cry a little too and just held Archie tighter.

Eventually the boarding call dragged Tom and Archie away from everyone and they said their final farewells before heading to their plane.

A little over five hours later they landed in Egypt.

The very first thing Archie noticed was the oppressive heat, even in the night air. And the next was the smell. The smell was so different here than London. He didn't know it, but it was the smell of leaded petrol, a smell common to so many places in the world, but one he had not experienced in England.

Customs had been slow and they had both needed to pee.

"I thought they'd have a toilet before you had to go through customs." Tom muttered and Archie nodded. In his desire to be meticulously planned out, Archie had gotten their visas through the embassy in London already. As they finally approached the gates, he noticed that everyone else seemed to be getting theirs as they entered the country; the customs official barely looking at them as they stamped their passports. Archie's turn finally came and Tom went to go to the counter with him.

"No!" A man with an Ak47 called out at him. "One at a time!" He ordered and Tom nodded his head and backed up rather quickly. The guard hadn't aimed his gun at him, or even seemed threatening. He had just been rather commanding, and obviously had the power to make someone do as he commanded. Tom had no desire to test that power. Archie handed his passport to the customs official, who had barely blinked at the guard's orders, at the visa page. The official looked at it for a long time and then picked up his phone. Tom and Archie shared a look of barely hidden concern. Another customs gate was opened up and the line was diverted through that gate, Tom decided not to go to the gate so that everyone else could get through; obviously already having a visa would mean it took time to get through customs.

Twenty minutes later Archie was finally emptying his bladder Tom beside him at the urinal, both of them looking up at the ceiling with relief. The man in the corner selling single squares of toilet paper for one US dollar was an unexpected addition, as was the hectic and chaotic rush of taxi drivers to get the tourists at the terminal.

Archie had decided to try out different types of accommodation for them, the first place was a local 3 star hotel, who were sending out a car for them to pick them up at the airport. They picked up their backpacks, Tom finally admitting that backpacks had been far better idea than suitcases when he saw the other tourists working their way through the crowd of taxi drivers vying for their custom. They saw a tall man with a bald head, a large moustache and hard eyes standing apart from the others, a piece of cardboard in his hands, and in dark pen, one word written on it

'TORCHIE'

"Do think that means us?" Tom asked looking at it and Archie, hot, tired and already sweating shrugged.

"I dunno, but let's find out?" They approached the man. "Hey, I'm Archie, this is Tom, are you looking for us?" He asked. The man nodded and motioned for them to give him their bags. He took them and turned, starting to walk off without another word. "Fuck." Shit…" Archie said as they took off at a cracking pace to follow him.

"I hope he's the guy." Tom grimaced and then grinned.

"Or else we've given our luggage to fuck knows who…" Archie agreed.

"And he's leading us fuck knows where…" Tom added and Archie suddenly felt acutely aware of just how far away he was from home. Travel was scary and exhilarating, and very confusing… in fact mostly confusing.

Eventually, after trekking over half of the airport car park they came to a white van.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tom mumbled, "A white van… how many people get fucking kidnapped in a white van?" He started to chuckle and Archie couldn't help but join him. The man carefully put their luggage in the back of the van and opened the door for them to get in the second row of seats. Tom and Archie sat next to each other and had to consciously not take each other's hands Tom making an effort to sit in a more 'heterosexual' manner. Which basically meant with his legs more spread out.

They drove through some oddly dark streets, and then some brightly lit ones, the driver using his horn as means of communicating that he was on the road, and turning his lights on only periodically, even when it was quite dark.

"We're gonna die aren't we?" Archie started to giggle and Tom joined him as the driver started to tailgate a taxi, also not using any lights.

"Well it was nice knowing you." He chuckled.

They were just getting used to their driver's way of driving when they saw a road blockade up ahead. Heavily armed guards were stopping every car. When it came to their car, the guard, probably a police officer Archie thought, looked in the window at them closely, his AK47 just centimetres from Archie's face. Seeing such heavily armed people was something new to Archie and Tom, and it did make them feel slightly on edge. The officer was wearing a white uniform and showed his credentials to the driver, a short conversation in Arabic, too fast for Archie's rudimentary learning of the language to follow properly, followed and the driver handed some money over to the guard before they were allowed to go. Archie wondered if it was a bribe.

Not long after that the roads became busier, brightly lit, and it was apparent they had come to Cairo proper. It was past 11pm local time now and people were walking all over the streets, cars were everywhere blasting their horns and blaring music. They noticed some quieter side roads but at the moment the driver was sticking to the main roads.

Tom and Archie took in all the sights; the shops, the night life, the people as they drove past, finally starting to feel more at ease. Until quite suddenly they drove down a darker quieter road. And the van stopped.

Their driver got out and took their bags out of the car. He motioned towards a dark alley. A man stood at the mouth of the alley, leaning on the wall and leering out at them, a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

"Excuse me?" Archie asked and the man pointed to the alleyway before getting into his van and driving away without having said a word to them. They picked up their bags and looked at each other.

"Alright then." Tom said as they crossed the road towards the alleyway. Archie got out his Lonely Planet book, and tried to read about the hotel he'd booked in the dim light. The rooms were supposed to overlook a main road leading out of Tahrir Square.

This was not a main road.

But Tom was skirting past the man resolutely and Archie followed with trepidation. They very quickly realised that the alley way opened up into an empty courtyard with no way out other than the same alley they'd come down, the one with the man in the opening, staring at them. There was rubbish strewn all over the courtyard, and Archie felt adrenalin come to his mouth as he looked around, trying to figure out what had gone so wrong. And then he saw the set of dilapidated stairs jutting out into the courtyard. He went to them, Tom following and saw that the doors at the top of them were open, and there, inside was a sign, listing all the businesses in this building, and occupying one of the floors of the old building was the Luna Hotel.

They went further into the building and Tom actually started to laugh when he saw the old style elevator, with a grate you had to hand open and close.

"Holy shit." Archie marvelled, "it' beautiful." He opened the grate and looked in the rickety old elevator, "Still in working condition. This building is living history." He grinned and Tom sighed and shook his head.

"Arch, there's no way that's gonna carry both of us safely." He looked at the stairs, so old that in some places the ends had rounded with wear. They wound around the elevator shaft with an ornate handrail, the whole effect was quite wonderful; if you were Archie. Tom muttered about what was wrong with the Nile Hilton as they climbed up the stairs, their 20 kilo bags weighing heavily on them.

"This room is less than 10 quid a night." Archie retorted to Tom's unimpressed face.

When they finally got to the right floor it was dark on the landing, but a door with the name of their hotel was up ahead and they opened it, not sure what to expect.

Inside was a well-lit, clean and modern looking small hotel. They were greeted by a friendly man at the desk who had them in their room within minutes. Most of the time spent checking in had been the clerk telling them about his cousin Mohammed who did tours of the pyramids. They had agreed to talk to him tomorrow and went into their room. It was strange that the door for their room was opposite the welcome desk, and that just on the other side of the door, the clerk sat, watching Egyptian soapies and eating snacks. Archie had asked for their best room, for Tom's sake, and the room was huge, with a large king sized bed and a second double bed on the other side of the room. The bathroom was small, cramped even with a tiny shower and a horrible plastic curtain, but it was clean and safe. They went out onto the balcony and looked down onto the main street, hundreds of people and cars were moving around on the street below, and beside them there was a yellow sign for hotel Luna hanging off the side of the old building. They people watched for a while, Tom grinning as he took it all in, especially at Archie's excited face.

"Alright, I admit, this hotel is great." Tom grinned and Archie had to stop himself from kissing him on the balcony. They had to save that for the privacy of their hotel room.

_'Blood Sugar Sex Magik' by Red Hot Chilli Peppers_

Wednesday was a good day at his place because his parents were nowhere to be seen until well after 10pm every single Wednesday.

It had been a week since Finn and her had had the big talk about Phil and their relationship and what it was to love selflessly, and what they wanted from each other. That first night they had held each other all night. Then they'd made love, and since then she'd fucked Finn every day, usually twice. And Finn was not complaining. Rae's glorious libido and increased self-esteem were most welcome to him, as was her taking charge in the bedroom. In fact he was hoping to use it to his advantage today, for something he had been thinking about for a while. He took a bag out of the bottom of his wardrobe and took out the riding crop. Finn bit his bottom lip and let his fingers run along the length of the leather crop. It was long and flexible, and would probably cut the skin if brought down hard enough. He didn't want it that hard. But he did want it hard enough to leave marks on his thighs. Marks he'd have to hide when he got changed for PE at school, marks his shorts would only just cover.

He and Archie had ended up talking for hours when he had visited while Rae was away, and the desire to have marks left on his skin was raised several times. In the end, Finn had decided to stop questioning it. Like Rhys had said at the Summer Ball; everything happens in nature, nothing is unheard of or freakish in nature, so don't fuck yourself up worrying if it's right or natural, worry about consent and what gives he and Rae pleasure. And that's all he was worrying about now. He wanted this, she was getting more into taking the lead, it would give them both pleasure… and he was most definitely enthusiastically giving the 'hell yes' to this. Now it was whether she was going to consent to it.

"Alright, I ordered the pizza to get here at 7:30." She said as she got back into his room, Finn's eyes shot to his clock: 5pm… She grinned when she saw the riding crop in his hand.

"You wanna use that on me Finlay?" She asked with a devious grin. She turned around and pulled up her skirt to reveal her arse, covered with red lacy underwear she looked over her shoulder and cocked an eyebrow suggestively at him.

"Aye I do." He said softly, "But not today." She turned back to him and he handed her the crop. She opened her mouth in delighted surprise and Finn's stomach knotted in anticipation. She was into it.

"Well then." She said in a husky voice, "You better get your kit off then." Finn swallowed hard and took his clothes off his eyes never leaving her face. Rae unbuttoned a few buttons on her shirt to allow a good amount of cleavage to show and Finn's eyes dropped to her tits instantly.

"Soak it in boy, cos it's all you're getting." She pushed him back on the bed, and Finn understood that Rae would not be undressing for this fuck. Her skirt and shirt and bra would probably be staying on, and he would be entirely naked; a very nice visual reminder of where the power lay. She looked him up and down and pulled up a chair and sat opposite him. "Alright, talk to me." She said softly and Finn sat up on the bed.

"I want my thighs caned." Finn said, "Just the front for now. I want you to leave marks." Rae nodded, "And then I want you to fuck me for your pleasure."

"Alright." Rae said nodding her head slowly. Without warning she caned his thigh, medium hard, he gasped. "How's that?"

"Harder." Finn said honestly, "But I don't want the skin broken if you can manage it. And really, really don't cane me tackle."

"Okay." Rae agreed, "And I would like to tie you up and gag you." She added and Finn grinned.

"You're on girl." He felt his cock starting to throb with excitement. "I can hold onto something and drop it if the pain gets too much?" Rae nodded and handed him a pen from his desk.

"Now get the rope." She said sweetly and he got up and got the rope from the bag. When he turned back Rae was gone, he waited on the bed for her and when she returned she had something behind her back. "Get the blindfold too." She told him and he got up to get it. As soon as he sat down Rae told him to blindfold himself. Then she put what she had hidden behind her back on the bedside table and pushed him back onto the bed, moving things out of the way to find the hook in the wall. She tied him up tightly, knowing that the ropes would start hurting eventually. Finn heard her rustling in the wardrobe and then she spoke softly, his ears having to strain to pick up her low lusty voice.

"I'm gonna masturbate, looking at you." She said. He heard the vibrator start and wished he could see her. "I'm gonna use the vibrator to make me cum, with me knickers still on." She told him.

"Let me watch?" He asked and she laughed.

"No." She answered simply and he heard the tone of the vibrator change and knew she had it pressed against her clitoris through her underwear. He heard her give a breathy moan and grunted in frustration.

"Rae… let me watch you."

"I'm doing this for me. Not you." She laughed and Finn felt the power play acutely, his cock throbbing from it. He groaned with every breathy moan she let him hear, and when she came, with a deep guttural moan, Finn's cock spasmed in sympathy, he was already far too excited and he tried to calm himself down by taking huge deep breaths.

He felt Rae kneeling on the bed and smelled her vagina, she was close to him, and then he felt her knickers on his face, he groaned, breathing the smell of her. She gave him a moment to enjoy her wet underpants before slowly pushing them into his mouth. Finn groaned happily as she shoved the all of the material in and made him close his mouth. And then he learned what she had disappeared for, what she had hidden behind her back when he heard her unroll the masking tape. She taped his mouth shut, her underwear in his mouth and slowly straddled him. She could hear him groaning and straining to say something around the gag she'd created as she rubbed her cunt on his cock. She lifted his blindfold so he could see what she was doing; what he was completely powerless to stop her from doing, unless he dropped the pen. She let his cock slide inside of her and rode him, her hands running over her clothed body, Finn's hands twitching until he pulled on the ropes, desperate to touch her. She brought herself to orgasm, riding him hard and fast, Finn groaning loudly, his eyes unable to leave her for even a second. He was so turned on he was afraid he'd explode at any moment. He enjoyed it when she took power like this, and he could taste her on her knickers in his mouth.

But she stopped, leaned over him grinning sadistically she patted his head.

"Good boy." She whispered and covered his eyes again. He tried to call out her name around the gag but couldn't. "What's that?" Rae teased. He tried to plead with her to use him, to hurt him, to do whatever she wanted with him. "I can't understand a word you're saying." She said it in an innocent voice that made Finn moan with desire and frustration.

And then she was gone. Finn strained his ears, desperately trying to hear if she was in the room. He tried to call out her name again and he heard her chuckle as if his struggle to speak was amusing to her. He pulled at the ropes, but Rae didn't see him, she was looking down at the crop.

She felt nervous, worried about how to do this without hurting him too much. She suddenly felt very aware of how Finn must have felt in the early days of their exploration when she had asked him to hit her arse hard, when she had wanted him to leave bruises. She was turned on by all of it, she wanted to do it, and the way he wanted it was so ridiculously sexy… but she was terrified of going too far and actually hurting him. For a fleeting moment she wondered how Tom and Archie did this kind of thing all the time. She supposed with time you'd get used to what your partner could handle. Finn knew exactly how hard to hit her arse and when, she didn't even need to ask now; he seemed to be able to gauge from her mood exactly what she wanted in that regard. So she told herself that practice made perfect and turned back to Finn; he was struggling against the ropes, groaning and crying out to her. But the pen was still firmly held in his hand. She watched him struggle for a moment, being as absolutely quite as she could be, understanding that this was as much of a torture as anything else she could do to him. She carefully leaned over him and breathed on the side of his face. His face shot to her direction and she laughed. He pulled at the ropes furiously and she let the tip of the crop touch the side of his face. He whimpered and she knew she was onto something here. She slowly traced the tip of the crop down his body and then she got to his thighs. He groaned lustily and Rae bit her bottom lip. She took the crop away and put her fingers to the skin on his thighs.

_This is gonna hurt_

She traced the words slowly and he nodded his head slowly in reply.

And then she did nothing again, and Finn lay in tense anticipation. She slowly, silently raised the crop and waited. His body was almost quivering with excitement and impatience. But he did not struggle or make a sound, he was waiting… his ears straining to hear the sound of the crop whooshing down.

She waited.

She waited until the tension started to leave his muscles and then, without hesitation, brought the crop crashing down across his thighs, much harder than the first cane she'd done when they'd been discussing what he wanted. He screamed out and she nearly panicked in horror at the way he screamed. Her eyes went to his hand holding the pen. His fingers were closed around it tightly. She waited for the tension in his body to again pass, his extended cry of pain stopped. She waited. For any sign that he wanted her to stop. The pen stayed in his hand.

So Rae did it again, a little harder and Finn responded in a similar way. She watched his testicles crawl up slightly, precum dripped from his cock, and he was gasping throatily through the gag. Rae bit her bottom lip, her eyes on the pen in his hand. And then she heard a slight lusty groan as his body slowly loosened up again. She grinned, starting to feel a little more confident now.

She brought the cane down on his thighs again, a little harder still and then stepped back to look at her handiwork. He had three beautiful lines across both of this thighs. She decided to do another two, then take his blindfold off and see how he was going.

She did the next two very hard and in quick succession and Finn's cries of pain went up in pitch. He was still panting when she took off his blindfold.

She was surprised by how lusty the look in his eyes was when he saw her. His whole body was moving beneath her, in rhythm with his gasps of pain.

She got on top of him and rode him, grinding her hips slowly into him, in rhythm with his gasping body. She reached down and masturbated as she rode him and he again started to pull on his ropes; aching to touch her. She made herself cum, far quicker than she had expected; having the power like this was very sexy for her too.

His cock was glistening with her cum when she got off him and he groaned loudly, desperate to cum himself. But she laughed at him again and he again tried to plead with her through his gag. She shook his her head.

"Yu don't get to cum yet." She whispered sensually, "How about another five… but this time you get to see when the pain's coming?" She was surprised by how eagerly he nodded his head and she had to stop herself from biting her bottom lip with desire for him; she had to keep character when he was looking at her. She was displaying an almost disdain for him in this persona, the game was that she was using him for her own pleasure and entertainment. The game was at his request… she wouldn't ruining by breaking character. So instead of biting her bottom lip she cocked an eyebrow at him and slid off the bed slowly, making sure he got a great view of her cleavage as she went.

She stood with the crop held up and his eyes went to it, anticipation making his body tense already.

She caned his thighs, lower down, almost near the knees and he screamed with pain. Rae forced her face to show no concern, but couldn't stop her eyes from going to the pen still firmly held in his hand.

"Harder?" She asked, expecting him to shake his head after that scream but he nodded. Rae was impressed with his resolve, but it was the look in his eyes that made her cunt start to really throb. It had been sexy being in control like this, but what it was doing to him was the real turn on. She looked down at the six marks on his legs; the last one she had done was further away from the others and she wanted to space them as evenly as possible. She didn't know why, but it seemed better that way. She mentally figured out where she wanted the next four marks to go and raised the crop again, smiling imperiously as she watched Finn's eyes follow the tip of the crop. She did the next two hard and close together again. His face went red with pain as he screamed and she knew he'd be swearing like a sailor if he wasn't gagged. The two timed close together were particularly hard for him, so she decided to do three this time. All three of them as hard as the hardest cane she'd done, and close together. That was more than he was expecting, so he wouldn't be ready for it at all. She had to look away so her face wouldn't give her away while she considered if she should really do this.

She decided to go for it. She looked back to his hand firmly holding the pen, his eyes watching her lustily, his cock obviously throbbing with desire. He screamed, his voice cracking when the third cane cracked down, and he writhed his body away so she couldn't do a fourth even if she had wanted to. But he didn't drop the pen, and almost as soon as he had writhed away he made himself lay back flat, ready for her to do what she would to him. She waited for him to calm down, and saw tears in the corner of his eyes, sweat on his forehead.

"One more?" She asked, expecting a shake of the head." He hesitated only momentarily before he nodded. She looked at the pen again. "One more to even out your marks." She whispered and he nodded again.

The final cane fell with far less of a cry from Finn, after the triple hit, this one had felt quite tame in comparison. She slowly crawled up his body and he groaned happily, even as the roughness of her shirt on his thighs made them sting. She licked his balls and he groaned loudly as her tongue continued up the shaft of his cock to the head, dancing around the glands before she took his cock into her mouth. But she only sucked it for a moment before she continued up his body, straddling him and moving her body slowly, sexually, her cunt rubbing along his cock deliciously. He pleaded with her to let him slide inside of her, but of course, with the gag, not a word came out. Her body got looser as she began to almost dance, she whipped her hair around and Finn was utterly transfixed, and so desperate for her. She leaned down and kissed the tape and he made the most desirous noises in the back of his throat that she'd ever heard. There she was, fully clothed, writhing on top of him, her lips on the tape over his mouth, her cunt pressed against his cock, and he couldn't touch her. She could hear him trying to plead again and took mercy on him, sliding her cunt over his cock so that his full length slipped into her.

The groan from deep inside of Finn's body was ecstatic thankfulness, relief, lust, pleasure… it was everything good and Rae was beyond turned on by the sounds he was making as she worked to give herself another orgasm, still practically giving him a lap dance as she fucked hm. She slowly stripped her shirt of, button by button and Finn's groans told her just how much he was appreciating the show. She threw the shirt away, fucked him hard and fast for a while before stopping, whipping her hair around again to the music in her head before she began her fucking him mixed in with her lap dance for him. She spent a good long time playing with her own breasts as she very slowly slid him in and out of her cunt, feeling every inch as she did it. She knew how much he loved her tits, and she was driving him crazy as she squeezed them and caressed them when he couldn't. When the bra finally came off, Finn could barely tear his eyes away from her breasts and his groans told her he was getting close. She unzipped her skirt slowly, not letting it interfere with her dancing and lifted it off over her head and throwing across the room; it landed on top of his bookshelves and knocked one of his sporting trophies down. She wanted to let herself cum, but she was holding back until he came, it was almost impossible to stop herself and her whole body was twitching with it. As soon as she began to grow breathy Finn felt his balls starting to throb rhythmically, and almost with no warning his cock was exploding into orgasm, the pleasure ripping through his body with unexpected ferocity. Rae was coming almost before he had started coming, she had been unable to hold it anymore, and they both groaned loudly, their eyes never leaving each other's eyes. She collapsed down on him, wanting to kiss his lips. She pulled the tap off and he opened his mouth, gasping through her knickers. She pulled them out for him, and instantly his lips were on hers.

"Keep going girl." He said when she started to slow down and she felt his stomach tensing up again, his head rolling back.

Since the first time they had had sex Finn had been compelled very often to cum again; she was so sexy and beautiful that he sometimes had to have her again immediately.

But this was different. It felt like the first orgasm hadn't fully stopped, it had just dipped down slightly. Rae's continued hard fast fucking brought him to an immediate second orgasm, even bigger than the first. His hands squeezed tightly and his head fell back, he practically screamed with pleasure and his body shuddered, the pen falling from his hand towards the end of the orgasm.

He gasped up at her, exhausted.

"Was that…" Rae asked stunned, "A multiple orgasm." Finn nodded slowly.

"I think so." He gasped.

"I'd read men could have 'em." She said awed. "You must really like caning." She said and leaned up to untie him.

"I feel like I been on the verge of doing that all week." He said, still gasping. As soon as the knot was undone he lowered his hands to touch her.

"Really?" Rae grinned, "So you like me in control?" Even Rae had noticed the change in her sexuality this week; she knew she was taking the lead a lot more than she had previously.

"I like you confident." He replied. "I think that's what did it." His breath was finally returning to normal, "That fucking lap dance." He shook his head, "Fucking hell girl."

"Well I'm feeling a lot more confident lately, so I suppose it might happen again?" She grinned.

"Oh fuck I hope so!" He almost chuckled but lacked the energy, "but more than anything I just want you to keep seeing your own worth like you have this past week." He said with a genuine smile.

"I'll try my best to keep it up.' She told him, "I promise." She took one of his hands and looked at the marks. "I only know a little bit about after care…" Rae fretted.

"I left a plate of snacks in the fridge to tide us over till the pizza comes." Finn told her, "I need some water, and a hot chocolate please." He said, "And ice…" Rae nodded and got up, "And Archie gave me some cream for the bruises. And can you put me heater on?"

"On it!" Rae bustled over to the heater and then helped Finn get into his bed more comfortably, he grinned up at her happily as she looked after him. She hurried down the stairs, thinking that everything he'd said for aftercare made perfect sense, and next time, she'd be much better at it all.

When she brought him up a tray of food, drinks and icepacks he was dozing gently, the blankets pulled up tightly. He woke the minute she came into the room. She set up everything on the bedside table and then gently put the icepacks, wrapped in tea towels, on his thighs. He smiled gratefully; they really stung now.

She cut up the food, fruit, cheese and cupcakes and hand fed him. Finn laughed happily as she handed him his hot chocolate and a straw so he didn't have to sit up. It didn't take all that long for Finn to feel more or less normal again.

"Wanna see the marks?" He asked and pulled back the blankets. They both looked down at the twelve almost perfectly evenly spaced welt marks on each of his legs. "Wow." He whispered. He could see they were going to bruise beautifully.

"Are you alright?" She fretted but he grinned.

"Remember those bruises on your arse?" He asked looking at her momentarily out of the side of his eye and grinning knowingly before looking back down at his thighs, "you got 'em so even." He marvelled and put his fingers to one of the marks.

"Aye I remember my bruises." She grinned and again felt like she understood Finn's journey better now that she had done the bruising. "It's just… that was kinda our first bit of BDSM…" Rae whispered and Finn shrugged.

"I think some of the stuff I did to you counts too." He grinned at her, "You worried?"

"I'm not sure I wanna be caned Finn." She said apologetically. "I mean… I'll get it done on me arse happily… but not anywhere else…"

"That's alright. It can be my thing." He replied, "You don't have to want what I want!" She grinned, relieved.

"I mean I might like it, and I do wanna try it… but those bruises look a lot worse than my arse ones." She looked down at the rising bruises and Finn shrugged.

"You don't mind doing it to me?" Finn asked and Rae shook her head.

"No I liked it… although I worried if I were going too far!"

"I know that feeling." He grinned, "You gotta trust me to tell you, ok?"

"Aye ditto." She threw back at him and he nodded.

"Aye I know!" He chuckled, "I quite like the way they look.' He said slowly. "But I don't think I'll want them all the time." Rae nodded.

"Fair enough, I bet they hurt."

"Oh aye." They were hot and throbbing, but that just reminded Finn of the amazing sex they'd just had. The whole thing from beginning to end had been stunning. "But I'm quite keen to have confident Rae all the time." He told her.

"So you want me to take the lead all the time?" She was dismayed; she liked it when he took the lead too.

"I think you can be confident and not be taking the lead." Finn said, "I was just a pretty confident submissive, don't you think?" He asked and was gifted by a huge grin.

"Aye." She bit her bottom lip, obviously pleased with the idea. "Every time we talk about our sex life, I get all excited about everything that's to come." She told him with a grin.

"Aye me too!" He touched her cheek, "But right now I have an overwhelming desire to make love. Just vanilla, run of the mill, deep emotional connection love making…"

"Same." Rae whispered, a shudder of delight running through her body when she felt his hand find the back of her neck, his thumb caressing her cheek. "But have you got the energy to d-" His lips were on hers, and all other thoughts were completely gone. No one had the ability to make her mind stop quite like this. She knew now that others could come close… but nothing like this… There was nothing like making love with him. No one like Finn.

"I'm so thankful I've got you." She told him, "Everything you do for me, how selfless you are, how much you love me…" She stroked his face, "You are such an amazing person." And for the first time in her life, for this entire week, she had felt like she deserved him and the way he loved her. It was so nice to feel that way. "Everything about you… I love you." And Finn was so glad to have a declaration like this that wasn't followed with, 'how did I get you?' Or 'what did I deserve to get you?' Or worse yet, 'one day you'll wake up and realise I don't deserve you.' He stroked her face, understanding that a lot had changed in her this week, but that the work to bring her to this place had been ongoing since the first day she'd stepped into Kester's office, and that the work would continue to go on. This was just the foundation slab of a self-esteem. There was a lot more to build before she saw herself as the truly amazing person she was. But even as he understood that, he was so grateful for the lessening in her self-hatred that he almost wanted to go and kiss Phil. He realised it wasn't Phil that was the magic solution here; Phil could have been any basically decent lad who fell in love with her and wasn't too much of a dick about it and the result would have been roughly the same. She had understood that love and attraction for her was not owned by Finn. Others had it too, and logically that must mean that there was something about her worthy of love and attraction. Had she not done the year of work with Kester beforehand, he was sure she would have ended up just deciding that both lads were crazy and been with neither of them; never quite able to believe they weren't joking about liking her. But with all the work she'd done, the realisation that Phil actually, really did love her and want her, not just as an abstract thought, but as a tangible reality had perfectly illustrated what her therapy had been trying to tell her; that she was fine, that she was perfect, and loveable, and worth something. And that this worth lay within her, not with the others and what they thought. Finn could have been an anomaly… but two wonderful lads loving her… that showed her something. Finn understood all of this journey of hers, just in the words she didn't say after declaring how wonderful he was and how much she loved him… He felt tears start to his eyes because she hadn't asked what she had done to possibly deserve him.

She knew what she had done to deserve him: been herself.

He kissed her lips slowly, taking in everything he could about her, her taste and smell, the sound of her breath, the feel of her skin.

"I love you Rae." He whispered softly, his lips brushing hers as he slowly started to position her on her back. She opened her thighs for him and he slid between her legs easily, like coming home. She was his home, and making love to her was his nourishment. Rae held him to her in a way that told Finn that she felt the same way; the closeness between them somehow continued to grow.

_'Junkyard' by The Birthday Party_

The week had gone fast for Rae and she was thankful for that. She had a kind of weariness at the moment. That was not to say that she wasn't as happy as ever; just that she was already looking forward to the school holidays at the end of October.

Most Saturday nights, Rae was sitting next to Finn at his community radio station job, volunteering to be his witty banter. But tonight a combination of too many songs to play and her slightly morose mood meant that Rae was chilling with Audrey the audio girl on the other side of the glass. Audrey didn't always come in, but when she did, she smoked joints, talked very entertaining shit and drunk orange poppers by the gallon. Finn had been quite adamant that Rae come into the station so they could head to the pub to celebrate Chloe's birthday properly straight afterwards. After that they were all sleeping at Izzy and Chop's place, so they could relax all day Sunday together.

The problem was that Audrey never hung around for long, and Rae was left by herself all too soon. Finn was focussed on his work, and she could go in there and join him, but she really didn't feel like it tonight.

Phillip had been away from school all week, and this had really upset her. She really wished she hadn't had to hurt him, but there really was no other way. Still, she felt like shit and she missed having him around; he might not be her boyfriend, but she really did care about him and enjoy his company. If he wasn't at school on Monday she'd have to go and visit him; kick him the arse and remind him of his precious grades.

She sighed and got up; she needed some air.

The studio was in a less traversed part of Stamford, near an old grimy pub and some dark, boarded up buildings. She knew that there were some nice houses a few streets away from this grim part of town and it never ceased to amaze her how comparatively rich places could be so close to dirty abandoned places.

She stood outside the studio in the dark street and looked up and down the road. The air had a chilly autumn bite to it and she decided to head to their car to grab a jacket. She huffed to herself as she went past the dimly lit pub, the sound of rowdy lads inside making her grin slightly.

They had parked the car a few abandoned, dilapidated buildings past the pub in a patch of dirt that doubled as a car park. Rae crossed her arms and put her chilly fingers in her armpits as she let her mind meander back over the past few weeks. It was strange how much she had changed in just a few short weeks and how much her relationship with Finn continued to grow. She was mostly happy; but she would give a good deal to see Phil happy too.

She had talked with Finn about Phil a couple of times since the drama camp, and he was interested in her feelings, but always he insisted on not hearing the details of what happened between her and Phil because he had promised her it would be private and he would not break that promise, and then he would add that they didn't matter to him or their relationship. And she believed him, but she did worry that he was still struggling with jealousy a little. Eventually she would tell him everything, if he ever wanted to hear it; she would follow his lead and do everything he wished on this topic. She had told him yesterday that she wasn't sorry for what had happened between her and Phil, and she never would be. But she would be very sorry if it hurt Finn, and he had seemed to understand that. He had told her that he was not hurt by her exploring her feelings for Phillip, especially since it had come out on his side with no shadow of a doubt in anyone's mind of her feelings. Finn had then said that Phil must have been gutted by it. Rae had noticed that Finn's feelings towards Phil had changed markedly; he had been worried about him not being at school for the entire week, but not as worried as her. Rae understood that Finn didn't have the weight on him of having broken his heart. No matter how much Phil tried to shield her from his disintegration, she had seen it. She understood that it wasn't her fault that they had developed feelings for each other, and she couldn't be blamed for loving Finn more, but she also understood how horrible it would feel to be Phillip right now. And she also understood that while the time they had spent together had been a perfect dream for him, it had also been a nightmare too, because of the torture of knowing he'd never have her like that again. She had mentioned something like this to Finn and he had, of course, understood what she meant, but it had also made it obvious to Finn that the situation between her and Phil had indeed gotten physical. And he had just kissed her, told her it was ok, that he understood and it was fine. He loved her and he always would. He had refrained from pointing out the parallels between Phillip and Elsa, and she was grateful for the restraint he had shown. But she saw them, and she better understood Finn's relationship with Elsa now and she didn't feel threatened by it, just like Finn was no longer threatened by Phil. Although she couldn't help but compare herself to Elsa sometimes; who wouldn't though?

She huffed to herself and sped up, not wanting to put herself through those comparisons. Her new found self-belief wasn't quite that strong yet and she didn't want to kill it off before it had really gotten going.

Rae's mind turned to thoughts of Kenzie and Gary and Janice and Finn. That whole thing was a mess. Everything with her family seemed to have settled down while everything in Finn's family was one huge mess.

Rae got to the car and pulled her keys out from her pocket. She unlocked the door and opened the back seat to try and find her jacket. She leaned into the car and sorted through all the junk they'd thrown on the back seat.

"Ugh," She mumbled to herself, "Gotta clean this shite." She chastised herself for letting her baby get this messy before finally finding her jacket. She stood up, putting the jacket on gratefully, her mind still on Kenzie when a hand closed around her mouth.

Rae pulled away from the hand violently, a scream in her throat, but his other hand wrapped around her front, his hand ending up between her breasts, pulling her back into him violently.

Fear took over Rae and she felt paralysed, rooted to the spot, memories of everything he'd done to her flooding her mind, crowding out the training Rhys and Finn had tirelessly drilled into her.

She could feel his breath on her neck, his lips at her ear.

"Gotcha."


End file.
